THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES GIFT OF FREDERIC THOMAS BLANCHARD FOR THE ENGLISH READING ROOM S TILE HACKJREI" At this Judy takes -up the corner of her apron. and -jjut;: it first : -ind then to t'other. beinjS to all appparan'.'f i ' i'.tle' //IN «• CRADOCK, TfcKNOSTKR HO CASTLE RACKRENT, AND IRISH BULLS, <f,A IE DG.E "WORTH. Rose ran in teiweon us u> Pel the musket from ray hand: it -was loaded . and went off in the straggle, and ibe "ball lodged HI her body.' " * . BALDWIN & CBADOCK, PATERKOSTBR RCW. AlfD OTHER PROPSIETOKS. 1«32. TALES AND NOVELS MARIA EDGEWORTH. IN EIGHTEEN VOLUMES. VOL. I. CONTAINING CASTLE RACKRENT; AN ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS; AN ESSAY ON THE NOBLE SCIENCE OF SELF-JUSTIFICATION. LONDON: PRINTED FOR BALDWIN AND CRADOCK; j. MURRAY; j. BOOKER; A. K. NKWMAN AND co. ; WHITTAKER TRBACHRR, AND ARNOT; T. TKGG ; SIMPKIN AND MARSHALL SMITH, Kl.llKK, AND CO.; 8. HODGSON; HOULSTON AND SON i. TKMPLEMAN; j. BAIN; R. MACKIE; RENSIIAW AND RUSH AND G. AND J. KOBINSON, LIVERPOOL. 1H32. PRINTED BY C. BALDWIN, NEW BRIDGE-STREET. CONTENTS. Page CASTLE RACKRENT . . 1 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS . . . .121 Introduction . . . . .123 Chap. I. Originality of Irish Bulls examined . .129 II. Irish Newspapers . . . .137 III. The Criminal Law of Bulls and Blunders . 148 IV. Little Dominick . . . .155 V. The Bliss of Ignorance . . .16? VI. " Thoughts that breathe and Words that burn" 175 VII. Practical Bulls . . . .182 VIII. The Dublin Shoeblack . . .189 IX. The Hibernian Mendicant . . . 200 X. Irish Wit and Eloquence . . . 208 XL The Brogue . . . . .220 XII. Bath Coach Conversation . . . 227 XIII. Bath Coach Conversation . . . 239 XIV. The Irish Incognito .... 243 Conclusion ..... 276 Appendix ..... 281 AN ESSAY ON THE NOBLE SCIENCE OF SELF-JUS- TIFICATION ..... 291 PUBLISHERS1 ADVERTISEMENT. THIS Edition of the TALES and NOVELS of Miss EDGEWORTH, which, in conformity with the present prevailing taste, is embellished with Plates, and presented to the Public in Monthly Volumes, will consist of Castle Rackrent, Irish Bulls, The Moral Tales, Popular Tales, Tales of Fashionable Life, The Modern Griselda, Belinda, Leonora, Patronage, Har- rington, and Ormond, and a few smaller pieces. It is not intended to include in it any of those writings of Miss Edgeworth which are of a more juvenile character than the Moral Tales, a smaller size being deemed more appropriate. Of these a fitter opportunity for speaking will occur hereafter: at present it is only necessary to say, that there are few persons who have not, in their earliest years, experienced the greatest pleasure, and imbibed the highest moral truths, from the perusal of the "Early Lessons" and " The Parent's Assistant." " Rosamond and Frank," " The Little Dog Trusty," and " The Cherry Orchard," will not be easily forgotten by them ; and in their after years they will delight to renew, and will profit by renewing, their early acquaintance, by a perusal of works from the same pen, but adapted to maturer age. a 3 VI With respect to her works of higher pretensions, it may be justly said, that her TALES and NOVELS form a class by themselves. They are for the most part Irish ; but without any of those savage features so painfully characteristic of the novels which, for the last few years, have turned on the circumstances of Ireland, or that admixture of foreign manners which is so striking in the works of Lady Morgan. They con- tain highly-finished pictures of fashionable and domestic life, and yet have few points of similarity, if any, to the novels of Hook, Bulwer, Lord Mulgrave, on one side, or Miss Ferier, Miss Austin, or Mrs. Brunton, 6n the other. Though they cannot be said, strictly, to be Historical, yet they will be found to resemble no con- temporary works in the department of Romance so much as the earlier novels of the Author of Waverley. Sir Walter Scott, indeed, with his characteristic frank- ness, has acknowledged that his original idea, when he commenced his career as a novelist, was to be to Scot- land what Miss Edgeworth was to Ireland — to pourtray peculiarities of manners belonging rather to the gene- ration passing away than to that which now exists ; and to give life to the national scenery, and permanence to the national characteristics of his countrymen. Waverley, Guy Mannering, Rob Roy — the novels to which Sir Walter Scott originally intended to have confined himself, bear, in their most striking features, av considerable likeness to Castle Rackrent, Ennui, Or- mond, &c. ; and the works of Miss Edgeworth will not suffer by a comparison which, to almost any other ' Til series, could not fail to be fatal ; while she may also justly claim the merit of priority.* In depicting the strange varieties of Irish Character, whether grave or gay, she is confessedly without an equal ; and when she puts her foot upon a soil foreign to her own, she does not tread it as a stranger. The same felicity which inspires her in the unequalled cha- racters of Sir Phelim, King Corny, &c. presides over the pictures which, in " Patronage," and other works, she draws from the higher classes of English society. Her comic and playful satire ranks her high in the dominions of humour, while it is combined with a sterling common sense, and a power of picturesque * " Two circumstances, in particular, recalled my recollection of the mislaid manuscript. The first was the extended and well-merited fame of Bliss Edgeworth, whose Irish characters have gone so far to make the English familiar with the cha- racter of their gay and kind-hearted neighbours of Ireland, that she may be truly said to have done more towards completing the Union, than perhaps all the legislative enactments by which it has been followed up. " Without being so presumptuous as to hope to emulate the rich humour, pathetic tenderness, and admirable tact, which pervade the works of my accomplished friend, I felt that some- thing might be attempted for my own country, of the same kind with that which Miss Edgeworth so fortunately achieved for Ireland — something which might introduce her natives to those of the sister kingdom, in a more favourable light than they had been placed hitherto, and tend to procure sympathy for their virtues and indulgence for their foibles." — Extract from Sir Walter Scott's General Preface to the Waverley Novels. a 4 description which seldom fall to the lot of the wit or the satirist. Her story-telling powers are admirable: who hut herself could infuse so much grace and shrewdness into so small a compass as we find them in the Moral and Popular Tales, in " To-Morrow/' " Murad the Unlucky/' and many others? It is, however, unneces- sary now to eulogize the works of Miss Edgeworth: they have taken an enduring position in the literature of the country, and the Publishers of this Series give it to the world in a well-grounded confidence of its suc- cessful reception. The Series will be printed in eighteen Monthly Volumes, and published at 5s. each. The Embellish- ments will be of the very first order, consisting of a Frontispiece and Vignette Title to each volume. They will be executed (on steel) by the most eminent En- gravings, from Paintings wholly by HARVEY, who un- questionably is, and will ere long be universally ac- knowledged to be, in the first class of British Artists. To delineate with accuracy the peculiar scenery of Ireland, and to give to native character all its humour and truth, this talented artist has traversed many of the districts of Ireland, and is thus enabled to introduce into his fine drawings living character, and much of the wild and beautiful landscape of the country. The whole of the Works have undergone a careful Revision and Correction by the Author herself. PATERNOSTER- ROW, April 30, 1832. PREFACE. THE prevailing taste of the public for anecdote has been censured and ridiculed by critics who aspire to the character of superior wisdom : but if we consider it in a proper point of view, this taste is an incontestible proof of the good sense and pro- foundly philosophic temper of the present times. Of the numbers who study, or at least who read history, how few derive any advantage from their labours ! The heroes of history are so decked out by the fine fancy of the professed historian ; they talk in such measured prose, and act from such sublime or such diabolical motives, that few have sufficient taste, wickedness, or heroism, to sympathise in their fate. Besides, there is much uncertainty even in the best authenticated ancient or modern histories ; and that love of truth, which in some minds is innate and im- mutable, necessarily leads to a love of secret memoirs, and private anecdotes. We cannot judge either of the feelings or of the characters of men with perfect accuracy, from their actions or their appearance in public ; it is from their careless conversations, their half-finished sentences, that we may hope with the greatest probability of success to discover their real X PREFACE. characters. The life of a great or of a little man written by himself, the familiar letters, the diary of any individual published by his friends or by his enemies, after his decease, are esteemed important literary curiosities. We are surely justified, in this eager desire, to collect the most minute facts relative to the domestic lives, not only of the great and good, but even of the worthless and insignificant, since it is only by a comparison of their actual happiness or misery in the privacy of domestic life that we can form a just estimate of the real reward of virtue, or the real punishment of vice. That the great are not as happy as they seem, that the external circum- stances of fortune and rank do not constitute felicity, is asserted by every moralist: the historian can seldom, consistently with his dignity, pause to illus- trate this truth : it is therefore to the biographer we must have recourse. After we have beheld splendid characters playing their parts on the great theatre of the world, with all the advantages of stage effect and decoration, we anxiously beg to be admitted behind the scenes, that we may take a nearer view of the actors and actresses. Some may perhaps imagine, that the value of biography depends upon the judgment and taste of the biographer : but on the contrary it may be main- tained, that the merits of a biographer are inversely as the extent of his intellectual powers and of his literary talents. A plain unvarnished tale is pre- ferable to the most highly ornamented narrative. Where we see that a man has the power, we may PREFACE. XI naturally suspect that he has the will to deceive us ; and those who are used to literary manufacture know how much is often sacrificed to the rounding of a period, or the pointing of an antithesis. That the ignorant may have their prejudices as well as the learned cannot be disputed ; but we see and despise vulgar errors : we never bow to the authority of him who has no great name to sanction his absurdities. The partiality which blinds a bio- grapher to the defects of his hero, in proportion as it is gross, ceases to be dangerous ; but if it be con- cealed by the appearance of candour, which men of great abilities best know how to assume, it endangers our judgment sometimes, and sometimes our morals. If her grace the duchess of Newcastle, instead of penning her lord's elaborate eulogium, had under- taken to write the life of Savage, we should not have been in any danger of mistaking an idle, ungrateful libertine for a man of genius and virtue. The talents of a biographer are often fatal to his reader. For these reasons the public often judiciously countenance those, who, without sagacity to discriminate cha- racter, without elegance of style to relieve the tedi- ousness of narrative, without enlargement of mind to draw any conclusions from the facts they relate, simply pour forth anecdotes, and retail conversations, with all the minute prolixity of a gossip in a country town. The author of the following Memoirs has upon these grounds fair claims to the public favour and attention; he was an illiterate old steward, whose Xll .PREFACE. partiality to the family, in which he was bred and born, must be obvious to the reader. He tells the history of the Rackrent family in his vernacular idiom, and in the full confidence that sir Patrick, sir Murtagh, sir Kit, and sir Condy Rackrent's affairs will be as interesting to all the world as they were to himself. Those who were acquainted with the manners of a certain class of the gentry of Ire- land some years ago will want no evidence of the truth of honest Thady's narrative : to those who are totally unacquainted with Ireland, the following Memoirs will perhaps be scarcely intelligible, or probably they may appear perfectly incredible. For the information of the ignorant English reader, a few notes have been subjoined by the editor, and he had it once in contemplation to translate the lan- guage of Thady into plain English ; but Thady's idiom is incapable of translation, and, besides, the authenticity of his story would have been more ex- posed to doubt if it were not told in his own cha- racteristic manner. Several years ago he related to the editor the history of the Rackrent family, and it was with some difficulty that he was persuaded to have it committed to \vriting ; however, his feelings for " the honour of the family," as he expressed him- self, prevailed over his habitual laziness, and he at length completed the narrative which is now laid before the public. The editor hopes his readers will observe that these are "tales of other times:" that the manners de- picted in the following pages are not those of the PREFACE. Xlll present age : the race of the Rackrents has long since been extinct in Ireland ; and the drunken sir Patrick, the litigious sir Murtagh, the fighting sir Kit, and the slovenly sir Condy, are characters which could no more be met with at present in Ire- land, than squire Western or parson Trulliber in England. There is a time, when individuals can bear to be rallied for their past follies and absurdi- ties, after they have acquired new habits, and a new consciousness. Nations as well as individuals gra- dually lose attachment to their identity, and the present generation is amused rather than offended by the ridicule that is thrown upon its ancestors. Probably we shall soon have it in our power, in a hundred instances, to verify the truth of these observations. When Ireland loses her identity by an union with Great Britain, she will look back with a smile of good-humoured complacency on the sii Kits and sir Condys of her former existence. 1800. CASTLE RACKRENT; AV HIBERNIAN TALE. TAKEN FROM FACTS, AND FROM THE MANNERS OF THE IRISH SQUIRES BEFORE THE YEAR 1782. CASTLE RACKRENT. Monday Morning. HAVING, out of friendship for the family, upon whose estate, praised be Heaven ! I and mine have lived rent-free, time out of mind, voluntarily under- taken to publish the MEMOIRS of the RACKRENT FAMILY, I think it my duty to say a few words, in the first place, concerning myself. My real name is Thady Quirk, though in the family I have always been known by no other than " honest Thady," — afterwards, in the time of sir Murtagh, deceased, I remember to hear them calling me " old Thady," and now I'm come to " poor Thady ;" for I wear a long great coat* winter and summer, which is very * The cloak, or mantle, as described by Thady, is of high antiquity. Spencer, in his " View of the State of Ireland," proves that it is not, as some have imagined, peculiarly derived from the Scythians, but that " most nations of the world anciently used the mantle ; for the Jews used it, as you may read of Elias's mantle, &.c. ; the Chaldees also used it, as you may read in Diodorus ; the Egyptians likewise used it, as you may read in Herodotus, and may be gathered by the description of Berenice, in the Greek Commentary upon Callimachus ; the Greeks also used it anciently, as appeared by Venus's mantle lined with stars, though afterwards they changed the form B * 2 CASTLE RACKRENT. handy, as I never put my arms into the sleeves ; they are as good as new, though come Holantide next I've had it these seven years ; it holds on by a single button round my neck, cloak fashion. To look at me, you would hardly think "poor Thady" was thereof into their cloaks, called Pallai, as some of the Irish also use : and the ancient Latins and Romans used it, as you may read in Virgil, who was a very great antiquary, that Evander, when -^neas came to him at his feast, did entertain and feast him sitting on the ground, and lying on mantles : insomuch that he useth the very word mantile for a mantle, ' — — II umi mantilia sternunt : ' so that it seemeth that the mantle was a general habit to most nations, and not proper to the Scythians only." Spencer knew the convenience of the said mantle, as housing, bedding, and clothing. " Iren. Because the commodity doth not countervail the dis- commodity ; for the inconveniences which thereby do arise are much more many ; for it is a fit house for an outlaw, a meet bed for a rebel, and an apt cloak for a thief. First, the outlaw being for his many crimes and villanies, banished from the towns and houses of honest men, and wandering in wastes places, far from danger of law, maketh his mantle his house, and under it covereth himself from the wrath of Heaven, from the offence of the earth, and from the sight of men. When it raineth, it is his pent-house ; when it bloweth, it is his tent ; when it freezeth it is his tabernacle. In summer he can wear it loose ; in winter he can wrap it close ; at all times he can use it ; never heavy, never cumbersome. Likewise for a rebel it is as serviceable ; for in this war that he maketh (if at least it deserves the name of war), when he still flieth from his foe, and lurketh in the thick woods (this should be black bogs) and straight passages waiting for advantages, it is his bed, yea, and almost his house- hold stuff." CASTLE RACKRENT. 3 the father of attorney Quirk ; he is a high gentle- man, and never minds what poor Thady says, and having better than fifteen hundred a year, landed estate, looks down upon honest Thady ; but I wash my hands of his doings, and as I have lived so will I die, true and loyal to the family. The family of the Rackrents is, I am proud to say, one of the most ancient in the kingdom. Every body knows this is not the old family name, which was O'Shaughlin, re- lated to the kings of Ireland — but that was before my time. My grandfather was driver to the great sir Patrick O'Shaughlin, and I heard him, when I was a boy, telling how the Castle Rackrent estate came to sir Patrick ; Sir Tallyhoo Rackrent was cousin-german to him, and had a fine estate of his own, only never a gate upon it, it being his maxim that a car was the best gate. Poor gentleman ! he lost a fine hunter and his life, at last, by it, all in one day's hunt. But I ought to bless that day, for the estate came straight into the family, upon one condition, which Sir Patrick O'Shaughlin at the time took sadly to heart, they say, but thought better of it afterwards, seeing how large a stake de- pended upon it, that he should by act of parliament, take and bear the surname and arms of Rackrent. Now it was that the world was to see what was in sir Patrick. On coming into the estate, he gave the finest entertainment ever was heard of in the country : not a man could stand after supper but sir Patrick himself, who could sit out the best man in Ireland, let alone the three kingdoms itself. He u2 CASTLE RACKRENT. had his house, from one year's end to another, as full of company as ever it could hold, and fuller ; for rather than be left out of the parties at Castle Rack- rent, many gentlemen, and those men of the first consequence and landed estates in the country, such as the O'Neils of Ballynagrotty, and the Money- gawl's of Mount Juliet's Town, and O' Shannons of New Town Tullyhog, made it their choice, often and often, when there was no room to be had for love nor money, in long winter nights, to sleep in the chicken- house, which sir Patrick had fitted up for the pur- pose of accommodating his friends and the public in general, who honoured him with their company un- expectedly at Castle Rackrent ; and this went on, I can't tell you how long — the whole country rang with his praises ! — Long life to him ! I'm sure I love to look upon his picture, now opposite to me ; though I never saw him, he must have been a portly gentle- man— his neck something short, and remarkable for the largest pimple on his nose, which, by his .par- ticular desire, is still extant in his picture, said to be a striking likeness, though taken when young. He is said also to be the inventor of raspberry whiskey, which is very likely, as nobody has ever appeared to dispute it with him, and as there still exists a broken punch-bowl at Castle Rackrent, in the garret, with an inscription to that effect — a great curiosity. • A few days before his death he was very merry ; it being his honour's birth-day, he called my grandfather in, God bless him ! to drink the company's health, and filled a bumper himself, CASTLE RACKRENT. 5 but could not carry it to his head, on account of the great shake in his hand ; on this he cast his joke, saying, " What would my poor father say to me if he was to pop out of the grave, and see me now ? I remember when I was a little boy, the first bumper of claret he gave me after dinner, how he praised me for carrying it so steady to my mouth. Here's my thanks to him — a bumper toast." Then he fell to singing the favourite song he learned from his father — for the last time, poor gentleman — he sung it that night as loud and as hearty as ever with a chorus : " He that goes to bed, and goes to bed sober, Falls as the leaves do, falls as the leaves do, and dies in Oc- tober ; But he that goes to bed, and goes to bed mellow, Lives as he ought to do, lives as he ought to do, and dies an honest fellow." Sir Patrick died that night : just as the company rose to drink his health with three cheers, he fell down in a sort of fit, and was carried off; they sat it out, and were surprised, on inquiry, in the morn- ing, to find that it was all over with poor sir Patrick. Never did any gentleman live and die more beloved in the country by rich and poor. His funeral was such a one as was never known before or since in the county ! All the gentlemen in the three counties were at it ; far and near, how they flocked : my great grandfather said, that to see all the women even in their red cloaks, you would have taken them for the army drawn out. Then such a fine whilla- luh ! you might have heard it to the farthest end of 6 CASTLE RACKRENT. the county, and happy the man who could get but a sight of the hearse ! But who'd have thought it ? just as all was going on right, through his own town they were passing, when the body was seized for debt — a rescue was apprehended from the mob ; but the heir who attended the funeral was against that, for fear of consequences, seeing that those villains who came to serve acted under the disguise of the law : so, to be sure, the law must take its course, and little gain had the creditors for their pains. First and foremost, they had the curses of the country: and sir Murtagh Rackrent, the new heir, in the next place, on account of this affront to the body, refused to pay a shilling of the debts, in which he was countenanced by all the best gentle- men of property, and others of his acquaintance ; sir Murtagh alleging in all companies, that he all along meant to pay his father's debts of honour, but the moment the law was taken of him, there was an end of honour to be sure. It was whispered (but none but the enemies of the family believe it), that this was all a sham seizure to get quit of the debts, which he had bound himself to pay in honour. It's a long time ago, there's no saying how it was, but this for certain, the new man did not take at all after the old gentleman ; the cellars were never filled after his death, and no open house, or any thing as it used to be ; the tenants even were sent away without their whiskey. I was ashamed myself, and knew not what to say for the honour of the family ; but I made the best of a bad case, and laid • CASTLE RACKRENT. 7 it all at my lady's door, for I did not like her any how, nor any body else ; she was of the family of the Skinflints, and a widow ; it was a strange match for sir Murtagh ; the people in the country thought he demeaned himself greatly, but I said nothing : I knew how it was ; sir Murtagh was a great lawyer, and looked to the great Skinflint estate ; there, how- ever, he overshot himself; for though one of the co- heiresses, he was never the better for her, for she outlived him many's the long day — he could not see that to be sure when he married her. I must say for her, she made him the best of wives, being a very notable stirring woman, and looking close to every thing. But I always suspected she had Scotch blood in her veins ; any thing else I could have looked over in her from a regard to the family. She was a strict observer for self and servants of Lent, and all fast days, but not holidays. One of the maids having fainted three times the last day of Lent, to keep soul and body together, we put a morsel of roast beef into her mouth, which came from sir Murtagh's dinner, who never fasted, not he ; but somehow or other it unfortunately reached my lady's ears, and the priest of the parish had a complaint made of it the next day, and the poor girl was forced as soon as she could walk to do penance for it, before she could get any peace or absolution, in the house or out of it. However, my lady was very charitable in her own way. She had a charity school for poor children, where they were taught to read and write gratis, and where they were kept well CASTLE RACKRENT. to spinning gratis for my lady in return ; for she had always heaps of duty yarn from the tenants, and got all her household linen out of the estate from first to last ; for after the spinning, the weavers on the estate took it in hand for nothing, because of the looms my lady's interest could get from the Linen Board to distribute gratis. Then there was a bleach-yard near us, and the tenant dare refuse my lady nothing, for fear of a law-suit sir Murtagh kept hanging over him about the water-course. With these ways of managing, 'tis surprising how cheap my lady got things done, and how proiid she was of it. Her table the same way, kept for next to nothing; duty fowls, and duty turkies, and duty geese, came as fast as we could eat 'em, for my lady kept a sharp look-out, and knew to a tub of butter every thing the tenants had, all round. They knew her way, and what with fear of driving for rent and sir Murtagh 's lawsuits, they were kept in such good order, they never thought of coming near Castle Rackrent without a present of something or other — nothing too much or too little for my lady — eggs, honey, butter, meal, fish, game, grouse, and herrings, fresh or salt, all went for something. As for their young pigs, we had them, and the best bacon and hams they could make up, with all young chickens in spring ; but they were a set of poor wretches, and we had nothing but misfortunes with them, always breaking and running away. This., sir Murtagh and my lady said, M'as all their former landlord sir Patrick's fault, who let 'em all get the CASTLE RACKHENT. 9 half year's rent into arrear ; there was something in that to be sure. But sir Murtagh was as much the contrary way ; for let alone making English tenants of them, every soul, he was always driving and driving, and pounding and pounding, and canting and canting, and replevying and replevying, and he made a good living of trespassing cattle ; there was always some tenant's pig, or horse, or cow, or calf, or goose, trespassing, which was so great a gain to sir Murtagh, that he did not like to hear me talk of re- pairing fences. Then his heriots and duty-work brought him in something, his turf was cut, his po- tatoes set and dug, his hay brought home, and, in short, all the work about his house done for nothing; for in all our leases there were strict clauses heavy with penalties, which sir Murtagh knew well how to enforce ; so many days' duty work of man and horse, from every tenant, he was to have, and had, every year ; and when a man vexed him, why the finest day he could pitch on, when the cratur was getting in his own harvest, or thatching his cabin, sir Murtagh made it a principle to call upon him and his horse ; so he taught 'em all, as he said, to know the law of landlord and tenant. As for law, I believe no man, dead or alive, ever loved it so well as sir Murtagh. He had once sixteen suits pending at a time, and I never saw him so much himself; roads, lanes, bogs, wells, ponds, eel-wires, orchards, trees, tithes, vagrants, gravelpits, sandpits, dung- hills, and nuisances, every thing upon the face of the earth furnished him good matter for a suit. He 10 CASTLE RACKRENT. used to boast that he had a lawsuit for every letter in the alphabet. How I used to wonder to see sir Murtagh in the midst of the papers in his office ! Why he could hardly turn about for them. I made bold to shrug my shoulders once in his presence, and thanked my stars I was not born a gentleman to so much toil and trouble ; but sir Murtagh took me up short with his old proverb, " learning is better than house or land." Out of forty-nine suits which he had, he never lost one but seventeen ; the rest he gained with costs, double costs, treble costs some- times ; but even that did not pay. He was a very learned man in the law, and had the character of it ; but how it was I can't tell, these suits that he carried cost him a power of money ; in the end he sold some hundreds a year of the family estate ; but he was a very learned man in the law, and I know nothing of the matter, except having a great regard for the family ; and I could not help grieving when he sent me to post up notices of the sale of the fee-simple of the lands and appurtenances of Timoleague. " I know, honest Thady," says he, to comfort me, " what I'm about better than you do ; I'm only selling to get the ready money wanting to carry on my suit with spirit with the Nugents of Carrick- ashaughlin." He was very sanguine about that suit with the Nugents of Carrickashaughlin. He could have gained it, they say, for certain, had it pleased Heaven to have spared him to us, and it would have been at the least a plump two thousand a year in his way ; CASTLE RACKRENT. 11 but things were ordered otherwise, for the best to be sure. He dug up a fairy-mount* against my advice, and had no luck afterwards. Though a learned man in the law, he was a little too incredulous in other matters. I warned him that I heard the very Ban- sheet that my grandfather heard under sir Patrick's window a few days before his death. But sir Murtagh thought nothing of the Banshee, nor of his cough with a spitting of blood, brought on, I understand, by catching cold in attending the courts, and overstrain- ing his chest with making himself heard in one of his favourite causes. He was a great speaker with a powerful voice ; but his last speech was not in the courts at all. He and my lady, though both of the same way of thinking in some things, and though she was as good a wife and great economist as you could * These fairy-mounts are called ant-hills in England. They are held in high reverence by the common people in Ireland. A gentlemen, who in laying out his lawn had occasion to level one of these hillocks, could not prevail upon any of his labourers to begin the ominous work. He was obliged to take a loy from one of their reluctant hands, and began the attack himself. The labourers agreed, that the vengeance of the fairies would fall upon the head of the presumptuous mortal, who first disturbed them in their retreat. •f The Banshee is a species of aristocratic fairy, who, in the shape of a little hideous old woman, has been known to appear, and heard to sing in a mournful supernatural voice under the windows of great houses, to warn the family that some of them are soon to die. In the last century every great family in Ireland had a Banshee, who attended regularly ; but latterly their visits and songs have been discontinued. 12 CASTLE RACKRENT. see, and he the best of husbands, as to looking into his affairs, and making money for his family ; yet I don't know how it was, they had a great deal of sparring and jarring between them. My lady had her privy purse — and she had her weed ashes, and her sealing money upon the signing of all the leases, with something to buy gloves besides ; and, besides, again often took money from the tenants, if offered properly, to speak for them to sir Murtagh about abatements and renewals. Now the weed ashes and the glove money he allowed her clear perquisites ; though once when he saw her in a new gown saved out of the weed ashes, he told her to my face (for he could say a sharp thing,) that she should not put on her weeds before her husband's death. But in a dispute about an abatement, my lady would have the last word, and sir Murtagh grew mad ; I was within hearing of the door, and now I wish I had made bold to step in. He spoke so loud, the whole kitchen was out on the stairs. All on a sudden he stopped and my lady too. Something has surely happened, thought I — and so it was, for sir Murtagh in his passion broke a blood-vessel, and all the law in the land could* do nothing in that case. My lady sent for five physicians, but sir Murtagh died, and was buried. She had a fine jointure settled upon her, and took herself away to the great joy of the tenantry. I never said any thing one way or the other, whilst she was part of the family, but got up to see her go at three o'clock in the morning. " It's a fine morning, honest Thady," says she ; " good bye to CASTLE RACKRENT. 13 ye," and into the carriage she stept, without a word more, good or bad, or even half a crown ; but I made my bow, and stood to see her safe out of sight for the sake of the family. Then we were all bustle in the house, which made me keep out of the way, for I walk slow and hate a bustle; but the house was all hurry-skurry, preparing for my new master. Sir Murtagh, I forgot to notice, had no childer ;* so the Rackrent estate went to his younger brother, a young dashing officer, who came amongst us before I knew for the life of me where- abouts I was, in a gig or some of them things, with another spark along with him, and led horses, and servants, and dogs, and scarce a place to put any Christian of them into ; for my late lady had sent all the feather-beds off before her, and blankets and household linen, down to the very knife cloths, on the cars to Dublin, which were all her own, lawfully paid for out of fier own money. So the house was quite bare, and my young master, the moment ever he set foot in it out of his gig, thought all those things must come of themselves, I believe, for he never looked after any thing at all, but harum- scarum called for every thing as if we were conjurers, or he in a public-house. For my part, I could not bestir myself any how ; I had been so much used to my late mas'ter and mistress, all was upside down with me, and the new servants in the servants' hall * Childer: this is the manner in which many of/Thady's rank, and others in Ireland, formerly pronounced the word children. 14 CASTLE RACKRENT. were quite out of my way ; I had nobody to talk to- and if it had not been for my pipe and tobacco, should, I verily believe, have broke my heart for poor sir Murtagh. But one morning my new master caught a glimpse of me as I was looking at his horse's heels, in hopes of a word from him. " And is that old Thady?" says he, as he got into his gig: I loved him from that day to this, his voice was so like the family ; and he threw me a guinea out of his waistcoat pocket, as he drew up the reins with the other hand, his horse rearing too ; I thought I never set my eyes on a finer figure of a man, quite another sort from sir Murtagh, though withal, to me, a family likeness. A fine life we should have led, had he staid amongst us, God bless him ! He valued a guinea as little as any man : money to him was no more than dirt, and his gentle- man and groom, and all belonging to him, the same ; but the sporting season over, he grew tired of the place, and having got down a great architect for the house, and an improver for the grounds, and seen their plans and elevations, he fixed a day for settling with the tenants, but went off in a whirlwind to town, just as some of them came into the yard in the morning. A circular letter came next post from the new agent, with news that the master was sailed for England, and he must remit 500/. to Bath for his use before a fortnight was at an end ; bad news still for the poor tenants, no change still for the better with them. Sir Kit Rackrent, my young master, left all to the agent ; and though he had the spirit of a CASTLE RACKRENT. 15 prince, and lived away to the honour of his country abroad, which I was proud to hear of, what were we the better for that at home ? The agent was one of your middle men,* who grind the face of the poor, and can never bear a man with a hat upon his head : he ferretted the tenants out of their lives; not a week without a call for money, drafts upon drafts from sir Kit ; but I laid it all to the fault of the agent ; for, says I, what can sir Kit do with so much cash, and he a single man? but still it went. Rents must be all paid up to the day, and afore ; no allowance for * Middle men.— There was a class of men termed middle men in Ireland, who took large farms on long leases from gentlemen of landed property, and set the land again in small portions to the poor, as under-tenants, at exorbitant rents. The head land- lord, as he was called, seldom saw his under-tenants ; but if he could not get the middle man to pay him his rent punctually, he •went to his land, and drove the land for his rent, that is to say, he sent his steward or bailiff, or driver, to the land to seize the cattle, hay, corn, flax, oats, or potatoes, belonging to the under- tenants, and proceeded to sell these for his rents : it sometimes happened that these unfortunate tenants paid their rent twice over, once to the middle man, and once to the head landlord. The characteristics of a middle man loere, servility to his su- periors, and tyranny towards his inferiors : the poor detested this race of beings. In speaking to them, however, they always used the most abject language, and the most humble tone and posture. — " Please your honour ; and phase your honour's honour," they knew must be repeated as a charm at the beginning and end of every equivocating, exculpatory, or supplicatory sentence ; and they were much more alert in doffing their caps to these new men, than to those of what they call good old families. A witty carpenter once termed these middle men journeymen gentlemen. ID CASTLE RACKRENT. improving tenants, no consideration for those who had built upon their farms : no sooner was a lease out, but the land was advertised to the highest bidder, all the old tenants turned out, when they spent their substance in the hope and trust of a renewal from the landlord. All was now set at the highest penny to a parcel of poor wretches, who meant to run away, and did so, after taking two crops out of the ground. Then fining down the year's rent came into fashion ; any thing for the ready penny ; and with all this, and presents to the agent and the driver, there was no such thing as standing it. I said nothing, for I had a regard for the family; but I walked about thinking if his honour sir Kit knew all this, it would go hard with him, but he'd see us righted ; not that I had any thing for my own share to complain of, for the agent was always very civil to me, when he came down into the country, and took a great deal of notice of my son Jason. Jason Quirk, though he be my son, I must say, was a good scholar from his birth, and a very 'cute lad : I thought to make him a priest, but he did better for himself: seeing how he was as good a clerk as any in the county, the agent gave him his rent accounts to copy, which he did first of all for the pleasure of obliging the gentleman, and would take nothing at all for his trouble, but was always proud to serve the family. By-and-bye a good farm boxmding us to the east fell into his honour's hands, and my son put in a proposal for it : why shouldn't he, as well as another ? The proposals all went over to the master CASTLE KACKKENT. 17 at the Bath, who knowing no more of the land than the child unborn, only having once been out a grousing on it before he went to England ; and the value of lands, as the agent informed him, falling every year in Ireland, his honour wrote over in all haste a bit of a letter, saying he left it all to the agent, and that he must set it as well as he could to the best bidder, to be sure, and send him over 2001. by return of post : with this the agent gave me a hint, and I spoke a good word for my son, and gave out in the country that nobody need bid against us. So his proposal was just the thing, and he a good tenant ; and he got a promise of an abatement in the rent, after the first year, for advancing the half year's rent at signing the lease, which was wanting to com- plete the agent's 2001., by the return of the post, with all which my master wrote back he was well satisfied. About this time we learned from the agent as a great secret, how the money went so fast, and the reason of the thick coming of the master's drafts: he was a litle too fond of play ; and Bath, they say, was no place for a young man of his fortune, where there were so many of his own countrymen too hunting him up and down, day and night, who had nothing to lose. At last, at Christmas, the agent wrote over to stop the drafts, for he could raise no more money on bond or mortgage, or from the tenants, or any how, nor had he any more to lend himself, and desired at the same time to decline the agency for the future, wishing sir Kit his health and happiness, and the compliments of the season, for I c i 18 CASTLE RACKRENT. saw the letter before ever it was sealed, when my son copied it. When the answer came, there was a new turn in affairs, and the agent was turned out; and my son Jason, who had corresponded privately with his honour occasionally on business, was forthwith desired by his honour to take the accounts into his own hands, and look them over till further orders. It was a very spirited letter to be sure : sir Kit sent his service, and the compliments of the season, in return to the agent, and he would fight him with pleasure to-morrow, or any day, for sending him such a letter, if he was born a gentleman, which he was sorry (for both their sakes) to find (too late) he was not. Then, in a private postscript, he condescended to tell us, that all would be speedily settled to his satis- faction, and we should turn over a new leaf, for he was going to be married in a fortnight to the grandest heiress in England, and had only immediate occasion at present for 200/., as he would not choose to touch his lady's fortune for travelling expences home to Castle Rackrent, where lie intended to be, wind and weather permitting, early in the next month ; and desired fires, and the house to be painted, and the new building to go on as fast as possible, for the reception of him and his lady before that time ; M'ith several words besides in the letter, which we could not make out, because, God bless him ! he wrote in such a flurry. My heart warmed to my new lady when I read this ; I was almost afraid it was too good news to be true ; but the girls fell to scouring, and it was well they did, for M'e soon saw his mar- CASTLE RACKRENT. ]9 riage in the paper to a lady with I don't know how many tens of thousand pounds to her fortune : then I watched the post-office for his landing ; and the news came to my son of his and the bride being in Dublin, and on the way home to Castle Rackrent. We had bonfires all over the country, expecting him down the next day, and we had his coming of age still to celebrate, which he had not time to do pro- perly before he left the country ; therefore a great ball was expected, and great doings upon his coming, as it were, fresh to take possession of his ancestors' estate. I never shall forget the day he came home : we had waited and waited all day long till eleven o'clock at night, and I was thinking of sending the boy to lock the gates, and giving them up for that night, \vhen there came the carriages thundering up to the great hall door. I got the first sight of the bride ; for Avhen the carriage door opened, just as she had her foot on the steps, I held the flam full in her face to light her, at which she shut her eyes, but I had a full view of the rest of her, and greatly shocked I was, for by that light she was little better than a blackamoor, and seemed crippled, but that was only sitting so long in the chariot. " You're kindly wel- come to Castle Rackrent, my lady," says I (recol- lecting who she was) ; " did your honour hear of the bonfires ? " His honour spoke never a word, nor so much as handed her up the steps — he looked to me no more like himself thari nothing at all ; I know I took him for the skeleton of his honour : I was not sure what to say next to one or t'other, but seeing c2 iJU CASTLE RACKHENT. she was a stranger in a foreign country, I thought it but right to speak cheerful to her, so I went back again to the bonfires. " My lady/' says I, as she crossed the hall, " there would have been fifty times as many, but for fear of the horses and frightening your ladyship : Jason and I forbid them, please your honour." With that she looked at me a little be- wildered. " Will I have a fire lighted in the state room to-night ? " was the next question I put to her, but never a word she answered, so I concluded she could not speak a word of English, and was from foreign parts. The short and the long of it was I couldn't tell what to make of her ; so I left her to herself, and went straight down to the servants' hall to learn something for certain about her. Sir Kit's own man was tired, but the groom set him a talking at last, and we had it all out before ever I closed my eyes that night. The bride might well be a great fortune — she was a Jewish by all accounts, who are famous for their great riches. I had never seen any of that tribe or nation before, and could only gather, that she spoke a strange kind of English of her own, that she could not abide pork or sausages, and went neither to church or mass. Mercy upon his honour's poor soul, thought I ; what will become of him and his, and all of us, with his heretic blackamoor at the head of the Castle Rackrent estate ! I never slept a wink all night foi* thinking of it ; but before the servants I put my pipe in my mouth, and kept my mind to myself ; for I had a great regard for the family ; and after this, when strange gentlemen's servants CASTLE BACKRENT. 21 came to the house, and would begin to talk about the bride, I took care to put the best foot foremost, and passed her for a nabob in the kitchen, which ac- counted for her dark complexion and every thing. The very morning after they came home, however, I saw how things were plain enough between Sir Kit and my lady, though they were walking together arm in arm after breakfast, looking at the new build- ing and the improvements. " Old Thady," said my master, just as he used to do, " how do you do?" " Very well, I thank your honour's honour," said I ; but I saw he was not well pleased, and my heart was in my mouth as I walked along after him. " Is the large room damp, Thady ? " said his honour. " Oh, damp, your honour ! how should it but be as dry as a bone," says I, " after all the fires we have kept in it day and night? it's the barrack room your honour's talking on." " And what is a barrack-room, pray, my dear ? " were the first words I ever heard out of my lady's lips. " No matter, my dear ! " said he, and went on talking to me, ashamed like I should wit- ness her ignorance. To be sure, to hear her talk one might have taken her for an innocent, for it was, "what's this, sir Kit? and what's that, sir Kit?" all the way we went. To be sure, sir Kit had enough to do to answer her. " And what do you call that, sir Kit ? " said she, " that, that looks like a pile of black bricks, pray, sir Kit ? " " My turf stack, my dear," said my master, and bit his lip. Where have you lived, my lady, all your life, not to know a turf stack when you see it, thought I, but I &Z CASTLE RACKRENT. said nothing. Then, by-and-bye, she takes out her glass, and begins spying over the country. " And what's all that black swamp out yonder, sir Kit ? " says she. " My bog, my dear," says he, and went on whistling. " It's a very ugly prospect, my dear," says she. " You don't see it, my dear," says he, " for we've planted it out, when the trees grow up in summer time," says he. " Where are the trees," said she, " my dear ?" still looking through her glass. " You are blind," my dear, says he ; " what are these under your eyes?" " These shrubs," said she. " Trees," said he. " May be they are what you call trees in Ireland, my dear," said she ; " but they are not a yard high, are they ?" " They were planted out but last year, my lady," says I, to soften matters between them, for I saw she was going the way to make his honour mad with her ? " they are very well grown for their age, and you'll not see the bog of Allyballycarricko'shaughlin at-all-at-all through the skreen, when once the leaves come out. But, my lady, you must not quarrel with any part or parcel of Allyballycarricko'shaughlin, for you don't know how many hundred years that same bit of bog has been in the family ; we would not part with the bog of Allyballycarricko'shaughlin upon no account at all ; it cost the late Sir Murtagh two hundred good pounds to defend his title to it and boundaries against the O'Leary's, who cut a road through it." Now one would have thought this would have been hint enough foi my lady, but she fell to laughing like one out of their right mind, and made me say the name CASTLE RACKBENT. 23 of the bog over for her to get it by heart, a dozen times — then she must ask me how to spell it, and what was the meaning of it in English — sir Kit standing by whistling all the while ; I verily believed she laid the corner stone of all her future misfortunes at that very instant ; but I said no more, only looked at sir Kit. There were no balls, no dinners, no doings ; the country was all disappointed — sir Kit's gentleman said in a whisper to me, it was all my lady's own fault, because she was so obstinate about the cross. " What cross ? " says I ; "is it about her being a heretic?" "Oh, no such matter," says he ; "my master does not mind her heresies, but her diamond cross, it's worth I can't tell you how much ; and she has thousands of English pounds concealed in dia- monds about her, which she as good as promised to give up to my master before he married, but now she won't part with any of them, and she must take the consequences." Her honey-moon, at least her Irish honey-moon, was scarcely well over, when his honour one morning said to me, " Thady, buy me a pig ! " and then the sausages were ordered, and here was the first open breaking-out of my lady's troubles. My lady came down herself into the kitchen, to speak to the cook about the sausages, and desired never to see them more at her table. Now my master had or- dered them, and my lady knew that. The cook took my lady's part, because she never came down into the kitchen, and \vas young and innocent in house- 24 CASTLE RACKRENT. keeping, which raised her pity ; besides, said she, at her own table, surely, my lady should order and dis- order what she pleases ; but the cook soon changed her note, for my master made it a principle to have the sausages, and swore at her for a Jew herself, till he drove her fairly out of the kitchen ; then, for fear of her place, and because he threatened that my lady should give her no discharge without the sausages, she gave up, and from that day forward always sau- sages, or bacon, or pig meat in some shape or other, went up to table ; upon which my lady shut herself up in her own room, and my master said she might stay there, with an oath : and to make sure of her, he turned the key in the door, and kept it ever after in his pocket. We none of us ever saw or heard her speak for seven years after that : * he carried her * This part of the history of the Rackrent family can scarcely be thought credible ; but in justice to honest Thady, it is hoped the reader will recollect the history of the celebrated lady Cath- cart's conjugal imprisonment. — The editor was acquainted with colonel M'Guire, lady Cathcart's husband ; he has lately seen and questioned the maid-servant who lived with colonel M'Guire during the time of lady Cathcart's imprisonment. Her ladyship was locked up in her own house for many years ; during which period her husband was visited by the neighbouring gentry, and it was his regular custom at dinner to send his compliments to lady Cathcart, informing her that the company had the honour to drink her ladyship's health, and begging to know whether there was any thing at table that she would like to eat ? the answer was always, " Lady Cathcart's compliments, and she has every thing she wants." An instance of honesty in a poor Irish woman deserves to be recorded : — Lady Cathcart had some remarkably fine diamonds, which she had concealed from her CASTLE HACKRENT. 25 dinner himself. Then his honour had a great deal of company to dine with him, and balls in the house, and was as gay and gallant, and as much himself as before he was married ; and at dinner he always drank my lady Rackrent's good health, and so did the company, and he sent out always a servant, with his compliments to my lady Rackrent, and the com- pany was drinking her ladyship's health, and begged to know if there was any thing at table he might husband, and which she was anxious to get out of the house, lest he should discover them. She had neither servant nor friend to whom she could entrust them ; but she had observed a poor beggar woman, who used to come to the house ; she spoke to her from the window of the room in which she was confined ; the woman promises to do what she desired, and lady Cathcart threw a parcel, containing the jewels, to her. The poor woman carried them to the person to whom they were directed ; and several years afterwards, when lady Cathcart recovered her liberty, she received her diamonds safely. At colonel M'Guire's death her ladyship was released. The editor, within this year, saw the gentleman who accompanied her to England after her husband's death. When she first was told of his death, she imagined that the news was not true, and that it was told only with an intention of deceiving her. At his death she had scarcely clothes sufficient to cover her ; she wore a red wig, looked scared, and her understanding seemed stupified ; she said that she scarcely knew one human creature from another ; her imprisonment lasted above twenty years. These circum- stances may appear strange to an English reader; but there is no danger in the present times, that any individual should exercise such tyranny as colonel M'Guire's with impunity, the power being now all in the hands of government, and there being no possibility of obtaining from parliament an act of indemnity for any cruelties. '''•" 26 CASTLE RACKRENT. send her ; and the man came back, after the sham errand, with my lady Rackrent's compliments, and she was very much obliged to sir Kit — she did not wish for any thing, but drank the company's health. The country, to be sure, talked and wondered at my lady's being shut up, but nobody chose to interfere or ask any impertinent questions, for they knew my master was a man very apt to give a short answer himself, and likely to call a man out for it afterwards ; he was a famous shot ; had killed his man before he came of age, and nobody scarce dared look at him whilst at Bath. Sir Kit's character was so well known in the country, that he lived in peace and quietness ever after, and was a great favourite with the ladies, especially when in process of time, in the fifth year of her confinement, my lady Rackrentf ell ill, and took entirely to her bed, and he gave out that she was now skin and bone, and could not last through the winter. In this he had two physicians' opinions to back him (for now he called in two phy- sicians for her), and tried all his arts to get the diamond cross from her on her death-bed, and to get her to make a will in his favour of her separate pos- sessions ; but there she was too tough for him. He used to swear at her behind her back, after kneeling to her to her face, and call her in the presence of his gentleman his stiff-necked Israelite, though before he married her, that same gentleman told me he used to call her (how he could bring it out, I don't know) " my pretty Jessica ! " To be sure it must have been hard for her to guess what sort of a husband he CASTLE RACKRENT. 27 reckoned to make her. When she was lying, to all expectation, on her death-bed of a broken heart, I could not but pity her, though she was a Jewish ; and considering too it was no fault of hers to be taken with my master so young as she was at the Bath, and so fine a gentleman as sir Kit was when he courted her ; and considering too, after all they had heard and seen of him as a husband, there were now no less than three ladies in our county talked of for his second wife, all at daggers drawn with each other, as his gentleman swore, at the balls, for sir Kit for their partner, — I could not but think them bewitched ; but they all reasoned with themselves, that sir Kit would make a good husband to any Christian but a Jewish, I suppose, and especially as he was now a reformed rake ; and it was not known how my lady's fortune \vas settled in her will, nor how the Castle Rackrent estate was all mortgaged, and bonds out against him, for he was never cured of his gaming tricks ; but that was the only fault he had, God bless him. My lady had a sort of fit, and it was given out she was dead, by mistake : this brought things to a sad crisis for my poor master, — one of the three ladies showed his letters to her brother, and claimed his promises, whilst another did the same. I don't men- tion names. Sir Kit, in his defence, said he would meet any man who dared to question his conduct, and as to the ladies, they must settle it amongst them who was to be his second, and his third, and his fourth, whilst his first was still alive, to his morti- Z» CASTLE RACKRENT. fication and theirs. Upon this, as upon all former occasions., he had the voice of the country with him, on account of the great spirit and propriety he acted with. He met and shot the first lady's brother ; the next day he called out the second, who had a wooden leg ; and their place of meeting by appointment being in a new ploughed field, the wooden-leg man stuck fast in it. Sir Kit, seeing his situation, with great candour fired his pistol over his head ; upon which the seconds interposed, and convinced the parties there had been a slight misunderstanding between them ; thereupon they shook hands cordially, and went home to dinner together. This gentleman, to show the world how they stood together, and by the advice of the friends of both parties, to re-establish his sister's injured reputation, went out with sir Kit as his second, and carried his message next day to the last of his adversaries : I never saw him in such fine spirits as that day he went out — sure enough he was within ames-ace of getting quit handsomely of all his enemies ; but unluckily, after hitting the tooth pick out of his adversary's finger and thumb, he received a ball in a vital part, and was brought home, in little betterthan an hour after the affair, speechless on a hand-barrow, to my lady. We got the key out of his pocket the first thing we did, and my son Jason ran to unlock the barrack-room, where my lady had been shut up for seven years, to acquaint her with the fatal accident. The surprise bereaved her of her senses at first, nor would she believe but we were putting some new trick upon her, to entrap her CASTLE RACKRENT. 29 out of her jewels, for a great while, till Jason be- thought himself of taking her to the window, and showed her the men bringing sir Kit up the avenue upon the hand-barrow, which had immediately the desired effect ; for directly she burst into tears, and pulling her cross from her bosom, she kissed it with as great devotion as ever I witnessed ; and lifting up her eyes to heaven, uttered some ejaculation, which none present heard ; but I take the sense of it to be, she returned thanks for this unexpected interposition in her favour when she had least reason to expect it. My master was greatly lamented : there was no life in him when we lifted him off the barrow, so he was laid out immediately, and naked the same night. The country was all in an uproar about him, and not a soul but cried shame upon his murderer ; who would have been hanged surely, if he could have been brought to his trial, whilst the gentlemen in the country were up about it ; but he very prudently withdrew himself to the continent before the affair was made public. As for the young lady, who was the immediate cause of the fatal accident, however innocently, she could never show her head after at the balls in the county or any place ; and by the advice of her friends and physicians, she was ordered soon after to Bath, where it was expected, if any where on this side of the grave, she would meet with the recovery of her health and lost peace of mind. Asa proof of his great popularity, I need only add, that there was a song made upon my master's un- timely death in the newspapers, which was in every 30 CASTLE RACKRENT. body's mouth, singing up and down through the country, even down to the mountains, only three days after his unhappy exit. He was also greatly bemoaned at the Curragh, where his cattle were well known ; and all who had taken up his bets formerly were particularly inconsolable for his loss to society. His stud sold at the cant at the greatest price ever known in the county ; his favourite horses were chiefly disposed of amongst his particular friends, who would give any price for them for his sake ; but no ready money was required by the new heir, who wished not to displease any of the gentlemen of the neighbourhood just upon his coming to settle amongst them ; so a long credit was given where requisite, and the cash has never been gathered in from that day to this. But to return to my lady : — She got surprisingly well after my master's decease. No sooner was it known for certain that he was dead, than all the gentlemen within twenty miles of us came in a body, as it were, to set my lady at liberty, and to protest against her confinement, which they now for the first time understood was against her own con- sent. The ladies too were as attentive as possible, striving who should be foremost with their morning visits ; and they that saw the diamonds spoke very handsomely of them, but thought it a pity they were not bestowed, if it had so pleased God, upon a lady who would have become them better. All these civilities wrought little with my lady, for she had taken an unaccountable prejudice against the country, CASTLE RACKRENT. 31 and every thing belonging to it, and was so partial to her native land, that after parting with the cook, which she did immediately upon my master's decease, I never knew her easy one instant, night or day, but when she was packing up to leave us. Had she meant to make any stay in Ireland, I stood a great chance of being a great favourite with her ; for when she found I understood the weathercock, she was always finding some pretence to be talking to me, and asking me which way the wind blew, and was it likely, did I think, to continue fair for England. But when I saw she had made up her mind to spend the rest of her days upon her own income and jewels in England, I considered her quite a£ a foreigner, and not at all any longer as part of the family. She gave no vails to the servants at Castle Rackrent at parting, notwithstanding the old proverb of " as rich as a Jew," which, she being a Jewish, they built upon with reason. But from first to last she brought nothing but misfortunes amongst us ; and if it had not been all along with her, his honour, sir Kit, would have been now alive in all appearance. Her diamond cross was, they say, at the bottom of it all ; and it was a shame for her, being his wife, not to show more duty, and to have given it up when he condescended to ask so often for such a bit of a trifle in his distresses, especially when he all along made it no secret he married for money. But we will not bestow another thought upon her. This much I thought it lay upon my conscience to say, in justice to my poor master's memory. 32 CASTLE RACKRENT. Tis an ill wind that blows nobody no good — the same wind that took the Jew lady Rackrent over to England brought over the new heir to Castle Rack- rent. Here let me pause for breath in my story, for though I had a great regard for every member of the family, yet without compare sir Conolly, commonly called, for short, amongst his friends, sir Condy Rackrent, was ever my great favourite, and, indeed, the most universally beloved man I had ever seen or heard of, not excepting his great ancestor sir Patrick, to whose memory he, amongst other instances of generosity, erected a handsome marble stone in the church of Castle Rackrent, setting forth in large letters his age, birth, parentage, and many other virtues, concluding with the compliment so justly due, that " sir Patrick Rackrent lived and died a monument of old Irish hospitality." CONTINUATION OP THE MEMOIRS OF THE RACKRENT FAMILY. HISTORY OF SIR CONOLLY RACKRENT. SIR CONDY RACKRENT, by the grace of God heir at law to the Castle Rackrent estate, was a remote branch of the family : born to little or no fortune of his own, he was bred to the bar ; at which, having many friends to push him, and no mean natural abilities of his own, he doubtless would, in process of time, if he could have borne the drudgery of that study, have been rapidly made king's counsel, at the least ; but things were disposed of otherwise, and he never went the circuit but twice, and then made no figure for want of a fee, and being unable to speak in public. He received his education chiefly in the college of Dublin ; but before he came to years of discretion lived in the country, in a small but slated house, within view of the end of the avenue. I remember him bare footed and headed, running through the street of O'Shaughlin's town, and play- ing at pitch and toss, ball, marbles, and what not, with the boys of the town, amongst whom my son Jason was a great favourite with him. As for me, he was ever my white-headed boy : often's the time D * 34 CASTLE RACKRENT. when I would call in at his father's, where I was always made welcome ; he would slip down to me in the kitchen, and love to sit on my knee, whilst I told him stories of the family, and the blood from which he was sprung, and how he might look forward, if the then present man should die without childer, to being at the head of the Castle Rackrent estate. This was then spoke quite and clear at random to please the child, but it pleased Heaven to accomplish my prophecy afterwards, which gave him a great opinion of my judgment in business. He went to a little grammar-school with many others, and my son amongst the rest, who was in his class, and not a little useful to him in his book learning, which he acknowledged with gratitude ever after. These rudiments of his education thus completed, he got a- horseback, to which exercise he was ever addicted, and used to gallop over the country while yet but a slip of a boy, under the care of sir Kit's huntsman, who was very fond of him, and often lent him his gun, and took him out a-shooting under his own eye. By these means he became well acquainted and popular amongst the poor in the neighbourhood early ; for there was not a cabin at which he had not stopped some morning or other, along with the huntsman, to drink a glass of burnt whiskey out of an eggshell, to do him good and warm his heart, and drive the cold out of his stomach. The old people always told him he was a great likeness of sir Patrick ; which made him first have an ambition to take after him, as far as his fortune should allow. CASTLE RACKRENT. 35 •He left us when of an age to enter the college, and there completed his education and nineteenth year ; for as he was not born to an estate, his friends thought it incumbent on them to give him the best education which could be had for love or money ; and a great deal of money consequently was spent upon him at college and Temple. He was a very little altered for the worse by what he saw there of the great world ; for when he came down into the country, to pay us a visit, we thought him just the same man as ever, hand and glove with every one, and as far from high, though not without his own proper share of family pride, as any man ever you see. Latterly, seeing how sir Kit and the Jewish lived together, and that there was no one between him and the Castle Rackrent estate, he neglected to apply to the law as much as was expected of him ; and secretly many of the tenants, and others, advanced him cash upon his note of hand value received, promising bargains of leases and lawful interest, should he ever come into the estate. All this was kept a great secret, for fear the present man, hearing of it, should take it into his head to take it ill of poor Condy, and so should cut him off for ever, by levying a fine, and suffering a recovery to dock the entail. Sir Murtagh would have been the man for that ; but sir Kit was too mucii taken up philandering to consider the law in this case, or any other. These practices I have mentioned, to account for the state of his affairs, I mean sir Condy's, upon his coming into the Castle Rackrent estate. He D2 36 CASTLE RACKRENt. could not command a penny of his first year's income; which, and keeping no accounts, and the great sight of company he did, with many other causes too nu- merous to mention, was the origin of his distresses. My son Jason, who was now established agent, and knew every thing, explained matters out of the face to sir Conolly, and made him sensible of his embar- rassed situation. With a great nominal rent-roll, it was almost all paid away in interest ; which being for convenience suffered to run on, soon doubled the principal, and sir Condy was obliged to pass new bonds for the interest, now grown principal, and so on. Whilst this was going on, my son requiring to be paid for his trouble, and many years' service in the family gratis, and sir Condy not willing to take his affairs into his own hands, or to look them even in the face, he gave my son a bargain of some acres, which fell out of lease, at a reasonable rent. Jason set the land, as soon as his lease was sealed, to under tenants, to make the rent, and got two hundred a- year profit rent ; which was little enough considering his long agency. He bought the land at twelve years' purchase two years afterwards, when sir Condy was pushed for money on an execution, and was at the same time allowed for his improvements thereon. There was a sort of hunting-lodge upon the estate, convenient to my son Jason's land, which he had his eye upon about this time ; and he was a little jealous of sir Condy, who talked of setting it to a stranger, who was just come into the country — Captain Money- gawl M~as the man. He was son and heir to the CASTLE RACKRENT. 37 Moneygawls of Mount Juliet's town, who had a great estate in the next county to ours ; and my master was loth to disoblige the young gentleman, whose heart was set upon the lodge ; so he wrote him back, that the lodge was at his service, and if he would honour him with his company at Castle Rackrent, they could ride over together some morning, and look at it, be- fore signing the lease. Accordingly the captain came over to us, and he and sir Condy grew the greatest friends ever you see, and were for ever out a-shooting or hunting together, and were very merry in the evenings; and sir Condy was invited of course to Mount Juliet's town ; and the family intimacy that had been in sir Patrick's time was now recollected, and nothing would serve sir Condy but he must be three times a- week at the least with his new friends, which grieved me, who knew, by the captain's groom and gentleman, how they talked of him at Mount Juliet's town, making him quite, as one may say, a laughingstock and a butt for the whole company ; but they were soon cured of that by an accident that surprised 'em not a little, as it did me. There was a bit of a scrawl found upon the waiting-maid of old Mr. Moneygawl's youngest daughter, miss Isabella, that laid open the whole ; and her father, they say, was like one out of his right mind, and swore it was the last thing he ever should have thought of, when he invited my master to his house, that his daughter should think of such a match. But their talk signi- fied not a straw, for, as miss Isabella's maid reported, her young mistress was fallen over head and ears in 38 CASTLE HACKRENT. love with sir Condy, from the first time that ever her brother brought him into the house to dinner : the servant who waited that day behind my master's chair was the first who knew it, as he says ; though it's hard to believe him, for he did not tell till a great while afterwards ; but, however, it's likely enough, as the thing turned out, that he was not far out of the way; for towards the middle of dinner, as he says, they were talking of stage-plays, having a playhouse, and being great play-actors at Mount Juliet's town ; and miss Isabella turns short to my master, and says, " Have you seen the play-bill, sir Condy ? " " No> I have not," said he. " Then more shame for you," said the captain her brother, " not to know that my sister is to play Juliet to-night, who plays it better than any woman on or off the stage in all Ireland." " I am very happy to hear it," said sir Condy ; and there the matter dropped for the present. But sir Condy all this time, and a great while afterwards, was at a terrible nonplus ; for he had no liking, not he, to stage-plays, nor to miss Isabella either ; to his mind, as it came out over a bowl of whiskey punch at home, his little Judy M 'Quirk, who was daughter to a sister's son of mine, was worth twenty of miss Isabella. He had seen her often when he stopped at her father's cabin to drink whiskey out of the egg- shell, out hunting, before he came to the estate, and, as she gave out, was under something like a pro- mise of marriage to her. Any how, I could not but pity my poor master, who was so bothered between them, and he an easy-hearted man, that could not CASTLE RACKRENT. 39 disoblige nobody, God bless him ! To be sure, it was not his place to behave ungenerous to miss Isabella, who had disobliged all her relations for his sake, as he remarked ; and then she was locked up in her chamber, and forbid to think of him any more, whir.h raised his spirit, because his family was, as he ob- served, as good as theirs at any rate, and the Rack- rents a suitable match for the Moneygawls any day in the year : all which was true enough ; but it grieved me to see, that upon the strength of all this, sir Condy was growing more in the mind to carry off miss Isabella to Scotland, in spite of her relations, as she desired. " It's all over with our poor Judy ! " said I, with a heavy sigh, making bold to speak to him one night when he was a little cheerful, and standing in the servants' hall all alone with me, as was often his custom. " Not at all," said he ; "I never was fonder of Judy than at this present speaking ; and to prove it to you," said he, and he took from my hand a halfpenny, change that I had just got along with my tobacco, " and to prove it to you, Thady," says he, " it's a toss up with me which I should marry this minute, her or Mr. Moneygawl of Mount Juliet's town's daughter — so it is." " Oh, boo! boo!"* says I, making light of it, to see what he would go on to next ; " your honour's joking, to be sure ; there's no compare between our poor Judy and miss Isabella, who has a great fortune, they say." " I'm not a man * Boo ! boo ! an exclamation equivalent to pshaw or nonsense. 40 CASTLE RACKRENT. to mind a fortune, nor never was/' said Sir Condy, proudly, "whatever her friends may say; and to make short of it/' says he, " I'm come to a determination upon the spot ; " with that he swore such a terrible oath, as made me cross myself; "and by this book," said he, snatching up my ballad book, mistaking it for my prayer book, which lay in the M'indow ; "and by this book," says he, " and by all the books that ever were shut and opened, it's come to a toss-up with me, and I'll stand or fall by the toss ; and so, Thady, hand me over that pin* out of the ink-horn/' and he makes a cross on the smooth side of the halfpenny ; " Judy M 'Quirk," says he, " her mark."t God bless him ! his hand was a little unsteadied by all the whiskey punch he had taken, but it was plain to see his heart was for poor Judy. My heart Avas all as one as in my mouth when I saw the halfpenny up in the air, but I said nothing at all ; and when it came down, I was glad I had kept myself to myself, for to be sure now it was all over with poor Judy. * Pin, read pen. It formerly was vulgarly pronounced fin in Ireland. -h Her mark. It was the custom in Ireland for those who could not write to make a cross to stand for their signature, as was formerly the practice of our English monarchs. The Editor inserts the fac-simile of an Irish 'mark, which may hereafter be valuable to a judicious antiquary — Her Judy X M 'Quirk, Mark. In bonds or notes, signed in this manner, a witness is requisite, as the name is frequently written by him or her. CASTLE RACKRENT. 41 " Judy's out a luck," said I, striving to laugh. "I'm out a luck," said he ; and I never saw a man look so cast down : he took up the halfpenny off the flag, and walked a\vay quite sober-like by the shock. Now, though as easy a man, you would think, as any in the wide world, there was no such thing as making him unsay one of these sort of vows,* which he had learned to reverence when young, as I well remem- ber teaching him to toss up for bog-berries on my knee. So I saw the affair was as good as settled between him and miss Isabella, and I had no more to say but to wish her joy, which I did the week after- wards, upon her return from Scotland with my poor master. My new lady was young, as might be supposed of a lady that had been carried off, by her own consent, to Scotland ; but I could only see her at first through her veil, which, from bashfulness or fashion, she kept over her face. "And am I to walk through all this crowd of people, my dearest love ? " said she to sir Condy, meaning us servants and tenants, who had * Vows. — It has been maliciously and unjustly hinted, that the lower classes of the people in Ireland pay but little regard to oaths ; yet it is certain that some oaths or vows have great power over their minds. Sometimes they swear they will be revenged on some of their neighbours ; this is an oath that they are never known to break. But, what is infinitely more extraordinary and unaccountable, they sometimes make and keep a vow against whiskey; these vows are usually limited to a short time. A woman who has a drunken husband is most fortunate if she can prevail upon him to go to the priest, and make a vow against whiskey for a year, or a month, or a week, or a day. 42 CASTLE BACKRENT. gathered at the back gate. "My dear/' said sir Condy, "there's nothing for it but to walk, or to let me carry you as far as the house, for you see the back road is too narrow for a carriage, and the great piers have tumbled down across the front approach ; so there's no driving the right way, by reason of the ruins." " Plato, thou reasonest well ! " said she, or words to that effect, which I could no ways under- stand; and again, when her foot stumbled against a broken bit of a car-wheel, she cried out, "Angels and ministers of grace defend us ! " Well, thought I, to be sure if she's no Jewish, like the last, she is a mad woman for certain, which is as bad : it would have been as well for my poor master to have taken up with poor Judy, who is in her right mind, any how. She was dressed like a mad woman, moreover, more than like any one I ever saw afore or siuce, and I could not take my eyes off her, but still followed behind her, and her feathers on the top of her hat were broke going in at the low back door, and she pulled out her little bottle out of her pocket to smell to when she found herself in the kitchen, and said, " I shall faint with the heat of this odious, odious place." " My dear, it's only three steps across the kitchen, and there's a fine air if your veil was up," said sir Condy, and with that threw back her veil, so that I had then a full sight of her face ; she had not at all the colour of one going to faint, but a fine complexion of her own, as I then took it to be, though her maid told me after it was all put on ; but CASTLE RACKRENT. 43 even complexion and all taken in, she was no way, in point of good looks, to compare to poor Judy ; and vrith all she had a quality toss with her; but may be it was my over-partiality to Judy, into whose place I may say she stept, that made me notice all this. To do her justice, however, she was, when we came to know her better, very liberal in her housekeeping, nothing at all of the skin-flint in her ; she left every thing to the housekeeper ; and her own maid, Mrs. Jane, who went with her to Scotland, gave her the best of characters for generosity. She seldom or ever wore a thing twice the same way, Mrs. Jane told us, and was always pulling her things to pieces, and giving them away, never being used, in her father's house, to think of expence in any thing; and she reckoned, to be sure, to go on the same way at Castle Rackrent ; but, when I came to inquire, I learned that her father was so mad with her for running off, after his locking her up, and forbidding her to think any more of sir Condy, that he would not give her a farthing ; and it was lucky for her she had a few thousands of her own, which had been left to her by a good grandmother, and these were very convenient to begin with. My master and my lady set out in great style ; they had the finest coach and chariot, and horses and liveries, and cut the greatest dash in the county, returning their \vedding visits ; and it was immediately reported, that her father had under- taken to pay all my master's debts, and of course all his tradesmen gave him a new credit, and every thing went on smack smooth, and I could not but 44 CASTLE RACKRENT. admire my lady's spirit, and was proud to see Castle Rackrent again in all its glory. My lady had a fine taste for building, and furniture, and playhouses, and she turned every thing topsy-turvy, and made the barrack-room into a theatre, as she called it, and she went on as if she had a mint of money at her elbow ; and, to be sure, I thought she knew best, especially as sir Condy said nothing to it one way or the other. All he asked, God bless him ! was to live in peace and quietness, and have his bottle or his whiskey punch at night to himself. Now this was little enough, to be sure, for any gentleman ; but my lady couldn't abide the smell of the whiskey punch. " My dear," says he, " you liked it well enough before we were married, and why not now ? " "My dear," said she, " I never smelt it, or I assure you I should never have prevailed upon myself to marry you." " My dear, I am sorry you did not smell it, but we can't help that now," returned my master, without putting himself in a passion, or going out of his way, but just fair and easy helped himself to another glass, and drank it off to her good health. All this the butler told me, who was going back\vards and forwards un- noticed with the jug, and hot water, and sugar, and all he thought wanting. Upon my master's swal- lowing the last glass of whiskey punch my lady burst into tears, calling him an ungrateful, base, bar- barous wretch ! and went off into a fit of hysterics, as I think Mrs. Jane called it, and my poor master was greatly frightened, this being the first thing of the kind he had seen ; and he fell straight on his CASTLE RACKUENT. 45 knees before her, and, like a good-hearted cratur as he was, ordered the whiskey punch out of the room, and bid 'em throw open all the windows, and cursed himself: and then my lady came to herself again, and when she saw him kneeling there bid him get up, and not forswear himself any more, for that she was sure he did not love her, nor never had : this we learnt from Mrs. Jane, who was the only person left present at all this. " My dear," returns my master, thinking, to be sure, of Judy, as well he might, " whoever told you so is an incendiary, and I'll have 'em turned out of the house this minute, if you'll only let me know which of them it was." " Told me what?" said my lady, starting upright in her chair. " Nothing at all, nothing at all," said my master, seeing he had overshot himself, and that my lady spoke at random ; " but what you said just now, that I did not love you, Bella ; who told you that ? " " My own sense," she said, and she put her handkerchief to her face, and leant back upon Mrs. Jane, and fell to sobbing as if her heart would break. " Why now, Bella, this is very strange of you," said my poor master ; " if nobody has told you nothing, what is it you are taking on for at this rate, and exposing yourself and me for this way ? " " Oh, say no more, say no more ; every word you say kills me," cried my lady ; and she ran on like one, as Mrs. Jane says, raving, " Oh, sir Condy, sir Condy ! I that had hoped to tind in you — — " " Why now, faith, this is a little too much ; do, Bella, try to recollect yourself, my dear ; am not I 46 CASTLE RACKRENT. your husband, and of your own choosing ; and is not that enough ? " " Oh, too much ! too much !" cried my lady, wringing her hands. " Why, my dear, come to your right senses, for the love of heaven. See, is not the whiskey punch, jug and bowl, and all, gone out of the room long ago ? What is it, in the wide world, you have to complain of ? " But still my lady sobbed and sobbed, and called herself the most wretched of women ; and among other out- of-the-way provoking things, asked my master, was he fit for company for her, and he drinking all night ? This nettling him, which it was hard to do, he re- plied, that as to drinking all night, he was then as sober as she was herself, and that it was no matter how much a man drank, provided it did no ways affect or stagger him : that as to being fit company for her, he thought himself of a family to be fit company for any lord or lady in the land; but that he never prevented her from seeing and keeping what company she pleased, and that he had done his best to make Castle Rackrent pleasing to her since her marriage, having always had the house full of visitors, and if her own relations were not amongst them, he said that was their own fault, and their pride's fault, of which he was sorry to find her lady- ship had so unbecoming a share. So concluding, he took his candle and walked off to his room, and my lady was in her tantarums for three days after ; and would have been so much longer, no doubt, but some of her friends, young ladies, and cousins, and second cousins, came to Castle Rackrent, by my poor mas- CASTLE RACKBENT. 47 ter's express invitation, to see her, and she was in a hurry to get up, as Mrs. Jane called it, a play for them, and so got well, and was as finely dressed, and as happy to look at, as ever ; and all the young ladies, who used to be in her room dressing of her, said, in Mrs. Jane's hearing, that my lady was the happiest bride ever they had seen, and that to be sure a love-match was the only thing for happiness, where the parties could any way afford it. As to affording it, God knows it was little they knew of the matter ; my lady's few thousands could not last for ever, especially the way she went on with them, and letters from tradesfolk came every post thick and threefold with bills as long as my arm, of years' and years' standing; my son Jason had 'em all handed over to him, and the pressing letters were all unread by sir Condy, who hated trouble, and could never be brought to hear talk of business, but still put it off and put it off, saying, settle it any how, or bid 'em call again to-morrow, or speak to me about it some other time. Now it was hard to find the right time to speak, for in the mornings he was a-bed, and in the evenings over his bottle, \vhere no gentleman chooses to be disturbed. Things in a twelvemonth or so came to such a pass there was no making a shift to go on any longer, though we were all of us well enough used to live from hand to mouth at Castle Rackrent. One day, I remember, when there was a power of company, all sitting after dinner in the dusk, not to say dark, in the drawing- room, my lady having rung five times for candles, 48 CASTLE RACKRENT. and none to go up, the housekeeper sent up the foot- man, who went to my mistress, and whispered behind her chair how it was. " My lady^" says he, " there are no candles in the house." " Bless me," says she, " then take a horse and gallop off as fast as you can to Carrick O'Fungus, and get some." " And in the mean time tell them to step into the playhouse, and try if there are not some bits left," added sir Condy, who happened to be within hearing. The man was sent up again to my lady, to let her know there was no horse to go, but one that wanted a shoe. " Go to sir Condy, then ; I know nothing at all about the horses," said my lady ; " why do you plague me with these things ? " How it was settled I really forget, but to the best of my remembrance, the boy was sent down to my son Jason's to borrow candles for the night. Another time in the winter, and on a desperate cold day, there was no turf in for the parlour and above stairs, and scarce enough for the cook in the kitchen ; the little gossoon * was sent off to the neighbours, to see and beg or borrow some, but none could he bring back with him for love or money ; so as needs must, we were forced to trouble sir Condy — " Well, and if there's no turf to be had * Gossoon, a little boy — from the French word gar yon. In most Irish families there used to be a barefooted gossoon, who was slave to the cook and the butler, and who in fact, without wages, did all the hard work of the house. Gossoons were always employed as messengers. The Editor has known a gos- soon to go on foot, without shoes or stockings, fifty-one English miles between sunrise and sunset. CASTLE RACKRENT. 49 in the town or country, why what signifies talking any more about it ; can't ye go and cut down a tree ? " " Which tree, please your honour ? " I made bold to say. " Any tree at all that's good to burn," said sir Condy ; " send off smart and get one down, and the fires lighted, before my lady gets up to breakfast, or the house will be too hot to hold us." He was always very considerate in all things about my lady, and she wanted for nothing whilst he had it to give. Well, when things were tight with them about this time, my son Jason put in a word again about the lodge, and made a genteel offer to lay down the purchase-money, to relieve sir Condy's distresses. Now sir Condy had it from the best authority, that there were two writs come down to the sheriff against his person, and the sheriff, as ill luck would have it, was no friend of his, and talked how he must do his duty, and how he would do it, if it was against the first man in the country, or even his own brother ; let alone one who had voted against him at the last election, as sir Condy had done. So sir Condy was fain to take the purchase-money of the lodge from my son Jason to settle matters ; and sure enough it was a good bargain for both parties, for my son bought the fee-simple of a good house for him and his heirs for ever, for little or nothing, and by selling of it for that same, my master saved himself from a gaol. Every way it turned out fortunate for sir Condy ; for before the money was all gone there came a general election, and he being so well be- loved in the county, and one of the oldest families, E i 50 CASTLE RACKHENT. no one had a better right to stand candidate for the vacancy ; and he was called upon by all his friends, and the whole county I may say, to declare himself against the old member, who had little thought of a contest. My master did not relish the thoughts of a troublesome canvass, and all the ill-will he might bring upon himself by disturbing the peace of the county, besides the expence, \vhich was no trifle; but all his friends called upon one another to sub- scribe, and they formed themselves into a committee, and wrote all his circular letters for him, and en- gaged all his agents, and did all the business un- known to him ; and he was well pleased that it should be so at last, and my lady herself Avas very sanguine about the election ; and there was open house kept night and day at Castle Rackrent, and I thought I never saw my lady look so well in her life as she did at that time ; there were grand dinners, and all the gentlemen drinking success to sir Condy till they were carried off; and then dances and balls, and the ladies all finishing with a raking pot of tea in the morning. Indeed it was well the com- pany made it their choice to sit up all nights, for there were not half beds enough for the sights of people that were in it, though there were shake- downs in the drawing-room always made up before sunrise for those that liked it. For my part, when I saw the doings that were going on, and the loads of claret that \vent down the throats of them that had no right to be asking for it, and the sights of meat that went up to table and never came down, CASTLE RACKRENT. 51 besides what was carried off to one or t'other below stairs, I could'nt but pity my poor master, who was to pay for all ; but I said nothing, for fear of gain- ing myself ill-will. The day of election will come some time or other, says I to myself, and all will be over ; and so it did, and a glorious day it was as any I ever had the happiness to see. " Huzza ! huzza ! sir Condy Rackrent for ever ! " was the first thing I hears in the morning, and the same and nothing else all day, and not a soul sober only just when polling, enough to give their votes as became 'em, and to stand the browbeating of the lawyers, who came tight enough upon us ; and many of our freeholders were knocked off, having never a freehold that they could safely swear to, and sir Condy was not willing to have any man perjure himself for his sake, as was done on the other side, God knoAvs, but no matter for that. Some of our friends were dumb- founded, by the lawyers asking them : Had they ever been upon the ground where their freeholds lay ? Now sir Condy being tender of the consciences of them that had not been on the ground, and so could not swear to a freehold when cross-examined by them lawyers, sent out for a couple of cleaves-full of the sods of his farm of Gulteeshinnagh : * and as soon as the * At St. Patrick's meeting, London, March, 1806, the duke of Sussex said he had the honour of bearing an Irish tide, and, with the permission of the company, he should tell them an anec- dote of what he had experienced on his travels. When he was at Rome, he went to visit an Irish seminary, and when they heard who he was, and that he had an Irish title, some of them E 2 52 CASTLE RACKRENT. sods came into town he set each man upon his sod, and so then, ever after, you know, they could fairly swear they had been upon the ground.* We gained the day by this piece of honesty. I thought I should have died in the streets for joy when I seed my poor master chaired, and he bareheaded, and it raining as hard as it could pour ; but all the crowds following him up and down, and he bowing and shaking hands with the whole town. " Is that sir Condy Rackrent in the chair ? " says a stranger man in the crowd. " The same," says I ; " who else should it be ? God bless him ! " " And I take it, then, you belong to him ? " says he. " Not at all," says I; " but I live under him, and have done so these two hundred years and upwards, me and mine." " It's lucky for you, then," rejoins he, " that he is where he is ; for was he any where else but in the chair, this minute he'd be in a worse place ; for I was sent down on purpose to put him up,t and here's my order for so doing in my pocket." It was a writ that villain the wine merchant had marked against my poor master for some hundreds of an old debt, which it was a shame to be talking asked him, " Please your Royal Highness, since you are an Irish peer, will you tell us if you ever trod upon Irish ground ? " When he told them he had not, " O then," said one of the order, " you shall soon do so." They then spread some earth, which had been brought from Ireland, on a marble slab, and made him stand upoti it. * This was actually done at an election in Ireland. •j- To put hint up — to put him in gaol. CASTLE RACKRENT. 53 of at such a time as this. " Put it in your pocket again, and think no more of it any ways for seven years to come, my honest friend," says I ; " he's a member of parliament now, praised be God, and such as you can't touch him : and if you'll take a fool's advice, I'd have you keep out of the way this day, or you'll run a good chance of getting your deserts amongst my master's friends, unless you choose to drink his health like every body else." " I've no objection to that in life," said he ; so we went into one of the public houses kept open for my master ; and we had a great deal of talk about this thing and that. " And how is it," says he, " your master keeps on so well upon his legs? I heard say he was off Holantide twelvemonth past." " Never was better or heartier in his life," said I. " It's not that I'm after speaking of," said he ; " but there was a great report of his being ruined." " No matter," says I, " the sheriffs two years running were his par- ticular friends, and the sub-sheriffs were both of them gentlemen, and were properly spoken to ; and so the writs lay snug with them, and they, as I understand by my son Jason the custom in them cases is, re- turned the writs as they came to them to those that sent 'em ; much good may it do them ! with a word in Latin, that no such person as sir Condy Rackrent, bart., was to be found in those parts." " Oh, I un- derstand all those ways better, no offence, than you," says he, laughing, and at the same time filling his glass to my master's good health, which convinced me he was a warm friend in his heart after all, 54 CASTLE BACKRENT. though appearances were a little suspicious or so at first. " To be sure/' says he, still cutting his joke, " when a man's over head and shoulders in debt, he may live the faster for it, and the better, if he goes the right way about it ; or else how is it so many live on so well, as we see every day, after they are ruined ? " " How is it," says I, being a little merry at the time; " how is it but just as you see the ducks in the chicken-yard, just after their heads are cut off by the cook, running round and round faster than when alive?" At which conceit he fell a laughing, and remarked he had never had the happi- ness yet to see the chicken-yard at Castle Rackrent. " It won't be long so, I hope," says I ; " you'll be kindly welcome there, as every body is made by my master ; there is not a freer spoken gentleman, or a better beloved, high or low, in all Ireland." And of what passed after this I'm not sensible, for we drank sir Condy's good health and the downfall of his enemies till we could stand no longer ourselves. And little did I think at the time, or till long after, how I was harbouring my poor master's greatest of enemies myself. This fellow had the impudence, after coming to see the chicken-yard, to get me to introduce him to my son Jason ; little more than the man that never was born did I guess at his meaning by this visit : he gets him a correct list fairly drawn out from my son Jason of all my master's debts, and goes straight round to the creditors and buys them all up, which he did easy enough, seeing the half of them never expected to see their money out of sir CASTLE RACKRENT. 55 Condy's hands. Then, when this base-minded limb of the law, as I afterward detected him in being, grew to be sole creditor over all, he takes him out a custodiam on all the denominations and sub-denomi- nations, and every carton and half carton upon the estate ; and not content with that, must have an ex- ecution against the master's goods and down to the furniture, though little worth, of Castle Rackrent itself. But this is a part of my story I'm not come to yet, and its bad to be forestalling : ill news flies fast enough all the world over. To go back to the day of the election, which I never think off but with pleasure and tears of gra- titude for those good times ; after the election was quite and clean over, there comes shoals of people from all parts, claiming to have obliged my master with their votes, and putting him in mind of pro- mises which he could never remember himself to have made ; one was to have a freehold for each of his four sons ; another was to have a renewal of a lease ; another an abatement ; one came to be paid ten guineas for a pair of silver buckles sold my master on the hustings, which turned out to be no better than copper gilt ; another had a long bill for oats, the half of which never went into the granary to my certain knowledge, and the other half were not fit for the cattle to touch ; but the bargain was made the week before the election, and the coach and saddle horses were got into order for the day, besides a vote fairly got by them oats ; so no more reasoning on that head ; but then there was no end to them 56 CASTLE HACKRENT. that were telling sir Condy he had engaged to make their sons excisemen, or high constables, or the like ; and as for them that had bills to give in for liquor, and beds, and straw, and ribands, and horses, and postchaises for the gentlemen freeholders that came from all parts and other counties to vote for my master, and were not, to be sure, to be at any charges, there was no standing against all these ; and, worse than all, the gentlemen of my master's committee, who managed all for him, and talked how they'd bring him in without costing him a penny, and sub- scribed by hundreds very genteelly, forgot to pay their subscriptions, and had laid out in agents and lawyers' fees and secret service money the Lord knows how much ; and my master could never ask one of them for their subscription you are sensible, nor for the price of a fine horse he had sold one of them ; so it all was left at his door. He could never, God bless him again! I say, bring himself to ask a gentleman for money, despising such sort of con- versation himself; but others, \vho were not gentle- men born, behaved very uncivil in pressing him at this very time, and all he could do to content 'em all was to take himself out of the way as fast as possible to Dublin, where my lady had taken a house fitting for him as a member of parliament, to attend his duty in there all the winter. I was very lonely when the whole family was gone, and all the things they had ordered to go, and forgot, sent after them by the car. There was then a great silence in Castle Rackent, and I went moping from room to room, CASTLE RACKRENT. 57 hearing the doors clap for want of right locks, and the wind through the broken windows, that the glazier never would come to mend, and the rain coming through the roof and best ceilings all over the house for want of the slater, whose bill Mras not paid, besides our having no slates or shingles for that part of the old building which was shingled and burnt when the chimney took fire, and had been open to the Aveather ever since. I took myself to the ser- vants' hall in the evening to smoke my pipe as usual, but missed the bit of talk we used to have there sadly, and ever after was content to stay in the kitchen and boil my little potatoes,* and put up my bed there ; and every post-day I looked in the news- paper, but no news of my master in the house ; he never spoke good or bad; but as the butler wrote down word to my son Jason, was very ill used by the government about a place that was promised him and never given, after his supporting them against his conscience very honourably, and being greatly abused for it, which hurt him greatly, he having the name of a great patriot in the country before. The house and living in Dublin too were not to be had for nothing, and my son Jason said, " Sir Condy must soon be looking out for a new agent, for I've done my part, and can do no more: — if my lady had * My little potatoes — Thady does not mean, by this expres- sion, that his potatoes were less than other people's, or less than the usual size — little is here used only as an Italian diminutive, expressive of fondness. 58 CASTLE RACKRENT. the bank of Ireland to spend, it would go all in one winter, and sir Condy would never gainsay her, though he does not care the rind of a lemon for her all the while." Now I could not bear to hear Jason giving out after this manner against the family, and twenty people standing by in the street. Ever since he had lived at the lodge of his own, he looked down, how- somever, upon poor old Thady, and was grown quite a great gentleman, and had none of his relations near him ; no wonder he was no kinder to poor sir Condy than to his own kith or kin.* In the spring it was the villain that got the list of the debts from him brought down the custodiam, Sir Condy still attend- ing his duty in parliament, and I could scarcely be- lieve my own old eyes, or the spectacles with which I read it, when I was shown my son Jason's name joined in the custodiam ; but he told me it was only for form's sake, and to make things easier than if all the land was under the power of a total stranger. Well, I did not know what to think ; it was hard to be talking ill of my own, and I could not but grieve for my poor master's fine estate, all torn by these vultures of the law ; so I said nothing, but just looked on to see how it would all end. It was not till the month of June that he and my lady came down to the country. My master was pleased to take me aside with him to the brewhouse * Kith and kin — family or relations. Kin from kind ; kith from we know not what. CASTLE RACKRENT. 59 that same evening, to complain to me of my son and other matters, in which he said he was confident I had neither art nor part ; he said a great deal more to me, to whom he had been fond to talk ever since he was my white-headed boy, before he came to the estate ; and all that he said about poor Judy I can never forget, but scorn to repeat. He did not say an unkind word of my lady, but wondered, as well he might, her relations would do nothing for him or her, and they in all this great distress. He did not take any thing long to heart, let it be as it would, and had no more malice, or thought of the like in him, than a child that can't speak ; this night it was all out of his head before he went to his bed. He took his jug of whiskey punch — my lady was grown quite easy about the whiskey punch by this time, and so I did suppose all was going on right betwixt them, till I learnt the truth through Mrs. Jane, who talked over their affairs to the housekeeper, and I within hearing. The night my master came home thinking of nothing at all bat just making merry, he drank his bumper toast " to the deserts of that old cur- mudgeon my father-in-law, and all enemies at Mount Juliet's town." Now my lady was no longer in the mind she formerly was, and did no ways relish hear- ing her own friends abused in her presence, she said. " Then why don't they show themselves your friends," said my master, " and oblige me with the loan of the money I condescended, by your advice, my dear, to ask ? It's now three posts since I sent off my letter, desiring in the postscript a speedy 60 CASTLE RACK.RENT. answer by the return of the post, and no account at all from them yet." " I expect they'll write to me next post/' says my lady, and that was all that passed then ; but it was easy from this to guess there was a coolness betwixt them, and with good cause. The next morning, being post-day, I sent off the gossoon early to the post-office, to see was there any letter likely to set matters to rights, and he brought back one with the proper post-mark upon it, sure enough, and I had no time to examine, or make any conjecture more about it, for into the servants' hall pops Mrs. Jane with a blue bandbox in her hand, quite entirely mad. " Dear ma'am, and what's the matter ? " says I. " Matter enough," says she ; " don't you see my bandbox is wet through, and my best bonnet here spoiled, besides my lady's, and all by the rain coming in through that gallery window, that you might have got mended, if you'd had any sense, Thady, all the time we were in town in the winter." " Sure I could not get the glazier, ma'am," says I. " You might have stopped it up any how," says she. " So I did, ma'am, to the best of my ability ; one of the panes with the old pillow-case, and the other with a piece of the old stage green curtain ; sure I was as careful as possible all the time you were away, and not a drop of rain came in at that window of all the windows in the house, all winter, ma'am, when under my care ; and now the family's come home, and it's summer time, I never thought no more about it, to be sure ; but dear, it's CASTLE KACKRENT. 61 a pity to think of your bonnet, ma'ara ; but here's what will please you, ma'am, a letter from Mount Juliet's town for my lady." With that she snatches it from me without a word more, and runs up the back stairs to my mistress ; I follows with a slate to make up the window. This window was in the long passage, or gallery, as my lady gave out orders to have it called, in the gallery leading to my master's bedchamber and hers. And when I went up with the slate, the door having no lock, and the bolt spoilt, was a-jar after Mrs. Jane, and as I was busy with the window, I heard all that was saying within. " Well, what's in your letter, Bella, my dear ? " says he : " you're a long time spelling it over." " Wont you shave this morning, sir Condy ? " says she, and put the letter into her pocket. " I shaved the day before yesterday," says he, "my dear, and that's not what I'm thinking of now; but any thing to oblige you, and to have peace and quietness, my dear" — and presently I had the glimpse of him at the cracked glass over the chimney-piece, standing up shaving himself to please my lady. But she took no notice, but went on reading her book, and Mrs. Jane doing her hair behind. " What is it you're reading there, my dear ? — phoo, I've cut myself with this razor ; the man's a cheat that sold it me, but I have not paid him for it yet : what is it you're read- ing there ? did you hear me asking you, my dear ? " " The Sorrows of Werter," replies my lad}', as well as I could hear. " I think more of the sorrows of sir Condy," says my master, joking like. " What O2 CASTLE RACKRENT. news from Mount Juliet's town ? " ' ' No news," says she, " but the old story over again, my friends all reproaching me still for what I can't help now." " Is it for marrying me ? " said my master, still shaving : " what signifies, as you say, talking of that, when it can't be help'd now ? " With that she heaved a great sigh, that I heard plain enough in the passage. " And did not you use me basely, sir Condy," says she, " not to tell me you were ruined before I married you ? " " Tell you, my dear," said he ; " did you ever ask me one word about it ? and had not you friends enough of your own, that were telling you nothing else from morning to night, if you'd have listened to them slanders ?" " No slanders, nor are my friends slan- derers ; and I can't bear to hear them treated with disrespect as 1 do," says my lady, and took out her pocket handkerchief; " they are the best of friends ; and if I had taken their advice . But my father was wrong to lock me up, I own ; that was the only unkind thing I can charge him with ; for if he had not locked me up, I should never have had a serious thought of running away as I did." " Well, my dear," said my master, " don't cry and make yourself uneasy about it now, when it's all over, and you have the man of your own choice, in spite of 'em all." " I was too young, I know, to make a choice at the time you ran away with me, I'm sure," says my lady, and another sigh, which made my master, half shaved as he was, turn round upon her in surprise. " Why, Bell," says he, " you can't deny CASTLE RACKRENT. 63 what you know as well as I do, that it was at your own particular desire, and that twice under your own hand and seal expressed, that I should carry you off as I did to Scotland, and marry you there." " Well, say no more about it, sir Condy," said my lady, pettish like — " I was a child then, you know." " And as far as I know, you're little better now, my dear Bella, to be talking in this manner to your husband's face; but I won't take it ill of you, for I know it's something in that letter you put into your pocket just now, that has set you against me all on a sudden, and imposed upon your understanding." ". It is not so very easy as you think it, sir Condy, to impose upon my understanding," said my lady. " My dear," says he, " I have, and with reason, the best opinion of your understanding of any man now breathing ; and you know I have never set my own in competition with it till now, my dear Bella," says he, taking her hand from her book as kind as could be — " till now, when I have the great advantage of being quite cool, and you not ; so don't believe one word your friends say against your own sir Condy, and lend me the letter out of your pocket, till I see what it is they can have to say." " Take it then," says she, " and as you are quite cool, I hope it is a proper time to request you'll allow me to comply with the wishes of all my own friends, and return to live with my father and family, during the re- mainder of my wretched existence, at Mount Juliet's town." At this my poor master fell back a few paces, like 64 CASTLE RACKBENT. one that had been shot. " You're not serious, Bella/' says he ; " and could you find it in your heart to leave me this way in the very middle of my distresses, all alone ? *' But recollecting himself after his first surprise, and a moment's time for reflection, he said, with a great deal of consideration for my lady, " Well, Bella, my dear, I believe you are right ; for what could you do at Castle Rackrent, and an execu- tion against the goods coming down, and the furniture to be canted, and an auction in the house all next week ? so you have my full consent to go, since that is your desire, only you must not think of my accom- panying you, which I could not in honour do upon the terms I always have been, since our marriage, with your friends ; besides, I have business to transact at home ; so in the mean time, if we are to have any breakfast this morning, let us go down and have it for the last time in peace and comfort, Bella." Then as I heard my master coming to the passage door, I finished fastening up my slate against the broken pane ; and when he came out, I wiped down the window seat with my wig,* and bade him a good * Wigs were formerly used instead of brooms in Ireland, for sweeping or dusting tables, stairs, &c. The Editor doubted the fact, till he saw a labourer of the old school sweep down a flight of stairs with his wig ; he afterwards put it on his head again with the utmost composure, and said, '• Oh, please your honour, it's never a bit the worse." It must be acknowledged, that these men are not in any danger of catching cold by taking off their wigs occasionally, because they usually have fine crops of hair growing under their wigs. CASTLE RACKRENT. 65 morrow as kindly as I could, seeing he was in trouble, though he strove and thought to hide it from me. " This window is all racked and tattered/' says I, " and it's what I'm striving to mend." " It is all racked and tattered, plain enough/' says he, " and never mind mending it, honest old Thady," says he ; " it will do well enough for you and I, and that's all the company we shall have left in the house by-and- bye." " I'm sorry to see your honour so low this morning," says I ; " but you'll be better after taking your breakfast." " Step down to the servants' hall," says he, " and bring me up the pen and ink into the parlour, and get a sheet of paper from Mrs. Jane, for I have business that can't brook to be delayed ; and come into the parlour with the pen and ink yourself, Thady, for I must have you to witness my signing a paper I have to execute in a hurry." Well, while I was getting of the pen and ink-horn, and the sheet of paper, I ransacked my brains to think what could be the papers my poor master could have to execute in such a hurry, he that never thought of such a thing as doing business afore breakfast, in the whole course of his life, for any man living ; but this was for my lady, as I afterwards found, and the more genteel of him after all her treatment. I was just witnessing the paper that he had scrawled over, and was shaking the ink out of my The wigs are often yellow, and the hair which appears from beneath them black ; the wigs are usually too small, and are raised up by the hair beneath, or by the ears of the wearers. F ' 66 CASTLE RACKRENT. pen upon the carpet, when my lady came into break- fast, and she started as if it had been a ghost ! as veil she might, when she saw sir Condy writing at this unseasonable hour. " That will do very well, Thady," says he to me, and took the paper I had signed to, without knowing what upon the earth it might be, out of my hands, and walked, folding it up, to my lady. " You are concerned in this, my lady Rackrent," says he, putting it into her hands ; " and I beg you'll keep this memorandum safe, and show it to your friends the first thing you do when you get home ; but put it in your pocket now, my dear, and let us eat our breakfast, in God's name." " What is all this ? " said my lady, opening the paper in great curiosity. " It's only a bit of a memorandum of what I think becomes me to do whenever I am able," says my master ; " you know my situation, tied hand and foot at the present time being, but that can't last always, and when I'm dead and gone, the land M'ill be to the good, Thady, you know; and take notice, it's my intention your lady should have a clear five hundred a year jointure off the estate afore any of my debts are paid." '• Oh, please your honour," says I, " I can't expect to live to see that time, being now upwards of fourscore years of age, and you a young man, and likely to continue so, by the help of God." I was vexed to see my lady so insensible too, for all she said \vas, " This is very genteel of you, sir Condy. You need not wait any longer, Thady;" so I just picked up the pen and ink that CASTLE RACKRENT. 67 had tumbled on the floor, and heard my master finish with saying, " You behaved very genteel to me, my dear, when you threw all the little you had in your own power along with yourself, into my hands ; and as I don't deny but what you may have had some things to complain of," — to be sure he was thinking then of Judy, or of the whiskey punch, one or t'other, or both, — if and as I don't deny but you may have had something to complain of, my dear, it is but fair you should have something in the form of compensation to look forward to agreeably in future ; besides, it's an act of justice to myself, that none of your friends, my dear, may ever have it to say against me, I married for money, and not for love." " That is the last thing I should ever have thought of say- ing of you, sir Condy," said my lady, looking very gracious. " Then, my dear," said sir Condy, " we shall part as good friends as we met ; so all's right." I was greatly rejoiced to hear this, and went out of the parlour to report it all to the kitchen. The next morning my lady and Mrs. Jane set out for Mount Juliet's town in the jaunting car : many won- dered at my lady's choosing to go away, considering all things, upon the jaunting car, as if it was only a party of pleasure ; but they did not know, till I told them, that the coach was all broke in the journey down, and no other vehicle but the car to be had ; besides, my lady's friends were to send their coach to meet her at the cross roads ; so it was all done very proper. My poor master was in great trouble after my lady F 2 CASTLE RACKRENT. left us. The execution came down ; and every thing at Castle Rackrent was seized by the gripers, and my son Jason, to his shame be it spoken, amongst them. I wondered, for the life of me, how he could harden himself to do it ; but then he had been study- ing the law, and had made himself attorney Quirk ; so he brought down at once a heap of accounts upon my master's head. To cash lent, and to ditto, and to ditto, and to ditto, and oats, and bills paid at the mil- liner's and linen draper's, and many dresses for the fancy balls in Dublin for my lady, and all the bills to the workmen and tradesmen for the scenery of the theatre, and the chandler's and grocer's bills, and tailor's, besides butcher's and baker's, and worse than all, the old one of that base wine merchant's, that wanted to arrest my poor master for the amount on the election day, for \vhich amount sir Condy after- wards passed his note of hand, bearing lawful interest from the date thereof; and the interest and compound interest was now mounted to a terrible deal on many other notes and bonds for money borrowed, and there was besides hush money to the sub-sheriffs, and sheets upon sheets of old and new attorneys' bills, with heavy balances, as per former account furnished, brought forward with interest thereon ; then there was a powerful deal due to the crown for sixteen years' arrear of quit-rent of the town-lands of Carrick- shaughlin, with driver's fees, and a compliment to the receiver every year for letting the quit-rent run on, to oblige sir Condy, and sir Kit afore him. Then there were bills for spirits and ribands at the CASTLE RACKRENT. 69 election time, and the gentlemen of the committee's accounts unsettled, and their subscription never gathered ; and there were cows to be paid for, with the smith and farrier's bills to be set against the rent of the demesne, with calf and hay money ; then there was all the servants' wages, since I don't know when, coming due to them, and sums advanced for them by my son Jason for clothes, and boots, and whips, and odd moneys for sundries expended by them in journeys to town and elsewhere, and pocket- money for the master continually, and messengers and postage before his being a parliament man ; I can't myself tell you what besides ; but this I know, that when the evening came on the w,hich sir Condy had appointed to settle all with my son Jason, and when he comes into the parlour, and sees the sight of bills and load of papers all gathered on the great dining-table for him, he puts his hands before both his eyes, and cried out, " Merciful Jasus ! what is it I see before me ? " Then I sets an arm-chair at the table for him, and with a deal of difficulty he sits him down, and my son Jason hands him over the pen and ink to sign to this man's bill and t'other man's bill, all which he did without making the least objections. Indeed, to give him his due, I never seen a man more fair and honest, and easy in all his dealings, from first to last, as sir Condy, or more willing to pay every man his own as far as he was able, which is as much as any one can do. " Well/' says he, joking like with Jason, " I wish we could settle it all Avith a stroke of my grey goose quill. 70 CASTLE RACKRENT. What signifies making me wade through all this ocean of papers here ; can't you now, who under- stand drawing out an account, debtor and creditor, just sit down here at the corner of the table, and get it done out for me, that I may have a clear view of the balance, which is all I need be talking about, you know ? " " Very true, sir Condy ; nobody un- derstands business better than yourself," says Jason. " So I've a right to do, being born and bred to the bar," says sir Condy. " Thady, do step out and see are they bringing in the things for the punch, for we've just done all we have to do for this evening." I goes out accordingly, and when I came back, Jason was pointing to the balance, which was a terrible sight to my poor master. " Pooh ! pooh ! pooh ! " says he, " here's so many noughts they dazzle my eyes, so they do, and put me in mind of all I suffered, laming of my numeration table, when I was a boy at the day- school along with you, Jason — units, tens, hundreds, tens of hundred. Is the punch ready, Thady?" says he, seeing me. " Immediately ; the boy has the jug in his hand; it's coming up stairs, please your honour, as fast as possible," says I, for I saw his honour was tired out of his life ; but Jason, very short and cruel, cuts me off with — " Don't be talking of punch yet a while ; it's no time for punch yet a bit — units, tens, hundreds," goes he on, counting over the master's shoulder, units, tens, hundreds, thousands. " A- a-ah ! hold your hand," cries my master; " where in this wide world am I to find hundreds, or units .itself, let alone thousands? " " The balance has been CASTLE RACKRENT. 71 running on too long," says Jason, sticking to him as I could not have done at the time, if you'd have given both the Indies and Cork to boot ; " the balance has been running on too long, and I'm distressed my- self on your account, sir Condy, for money, and the thing must be settled now on the spot, and the balance cleared off," says Jason. " I'll thank you if you'll only show me how," says sir Condy. " There's but one way," says Jason, " and that's ready enough : when there's no cash, what can a gentleman do, but go to the land ? " " How can you go to the land, and it under custodiam to yourself already," says sir Condy, " and another custodiam hanging over it ? and no one at all can touch it, you know, but the custodees." " Sure, can't you sell, though at a loss ? sure you can sell, and I've a purchaser ready for you," says Jason. " Have ye so?" said sir Condy; " that's a great point gained ; but there's a thing now beyond all, that perhaps you don't know yet, barring Thady has let you into the secret." " Sarrah bit of a secret, or any thing at all of the kind, has he learned from me these fifteen weeks come St. John's eve," says I ; " for we have scarce been upon speaking terms of late ; but what is it your honour means of a secret?" " Why, the secret of the little keepsake I gave my lady Rackrent the mornhjg she left us, that she might not go back empty-handed to her friends." " My lady Rackrent, I'm sure, has baubles and keepsakes enough, as those bills on the table will show," says Jason ; " but \vhatever it is," says he, taking up his pen, " we must add it to the balance, for to be sure T2 CASTLE RACKRENT. it. can't be paid for." " No, nor can't till after my decease/' said sir Condy ; " that's one good thing." Then colouring up a good deal, he tells Jason of the memorandum of the five hundred a year jointure he had settled upon my lady ; at which Jason was indeed mad, and said a great deal in very high words, that it was iising a gentleman, who had the management of his affairs, and was moreover his principal creditor, extremely ill, to do such a thing without consulting him, and against his knowledge and consent. To all which sir Condy had nothing to reply, but that upon his conscience, it was in a hurry and without a moment's thought on his part, and he was very sorry for it, but if it was to do over again he would do the same ; and he appealed to me, and I was ready to give my evidence, if that would do, to the truth of all he said. So Jason with much ado was brought to agree to a compromise. " The purchaser that I have ready," says he, " will be much displeased, to be sure, at the incumbrance on the land, but I must see and manage him ; here's a deed ready drawn up; we have nothing to do but to put in the consideration money and our names to it." " And how much am I going to sell ? — the lands of O'Shaughlin's town, and the lands of Gruneaghoolaghan, and the lands of Crookagnawa- turgh," says he, just reading to himself, — " and — Oh, murder, Jason ! sure you won't put this in — the castle stable, and appurtenances of Castle Rackrent." " Oh, murder ! " says I, clapping my hands, " this is too bad, Jason." " Why so ? " said Jason, " when it's CASTLE HACKRENT. 73 all, and a great deal more to the back of it, lawfully mine, was I to push for it." " Look at him," says I, pointing to sir Condy, who was just leaning back in his arm-chair, with his arms falling beside him like one stupified ; " is it you, Jason, that can stand in his presence, and recollect all he has been to us, and all we have been to him, and yet use him so at the last ? " " Who will you find to use him better, I ask you ? " said Jason ; " if he can get a better purchaser, I'm content ; I only offer to purchase, to make things easy and oblige him : though I don't see what com- pliment I am under, if you come to that; I have never had, asked, or charged more than sixpence in the pound, receiver's fees; and where would he have got an agent for a penny less?" "Oh, Jason! Jason! how will you stand to this in the face of the county and all who know you ? " says I ; " and what will people think and say, when they see you living here in Castle Rackrent, and the lawful owner turned out of the seat of his ancestors, without a cabin to put his head into, or so much as a potatoe to eat ? " Jason, whilst I was saying this, and a great deal more, made me signs, and winks, and frowns ; but I took no heed ; for I was grieved and sick at heart for my poor master, and couldn't but speak. "Here's the punch," says Jason, for the door opened ; " here's the punch !" Hearing that, my master starts up in his chair, and recollects himself, and Jason uncorks the whiskey. " Set down the jug here," says he, making room for it beside the papers opposite to sir Condy, but still not stirring the deed 74 CASTLE HACKRENT. that was to make over all. Well, I was in great hopes he had some touch of mercy about him when I saw him making the punch, and my master took a glass ; but Jason put it back as he was going to till again, saying, " No, sir Condy, it sha'n't be said of me, I got your signature to this deed when you were half-seas over : you know your name and hand- writing in that condition would not, if brought before the courts, benefit me a straw ; wherefore let us settle all before we go deeper into the punch- bowl." "Settle all as you will;" said sir Condy, clapping his hands to his ears ; " but let me hear no more ; I'm bothered to death this night." " You've only to sign," said Jason, putting the pen to him. "Take all, and be content," said my master. So he signed ; and the man who brought in the punch witnessed it, for I was not able, but crying like a child; and besides, Jason said, which I was glad of, that 1 was no fit witness, being so old and doting. It was so bad with me, I could not taste a drop of the punch itself, though my master himself, God bless him ! in the midst of his trouble, poured out a glass for me, and brought it up to my lips. " Not a drop, I thank your honour's honour as much as if I took it though," and I just set down the glass as it was, and went out, and when I got to the street-door, the neighbour's childer, who were playing at marbles there, seeing me in great trouble, left their play, and gathered about me to know what ailed me ; and I told them all, for it was a great relief to me to speak to these poor childer, that seemed to have some CASTLE RACKRENT. 75 natural feeling left in them : and when they were made sensible that sir Condy was going to leave Castle Rackrent for good and all, they set up a whillalu that could be heard to the farthest end of the street ; and one fine boy he was, that my master had given an apple to that morning, cried the loud- est, but they all were the same sorry, for sir Condy was greatly beloved amongst the childer, for letting them go a nutting in the demesne, without saying a word to them, though my lady objected to them. The people in the town, who were the most of them standing at their doors, hearing the childer cry, would know the reason of it ; and when the report was made known, the people one and all gathered in great anger against my son Jason, and terror at the notion of his coming to be landlord over them, and they cried, " No Jason ! no Jason ! Sir Condy ! sir Condy ! sir Condy Rackrent for ever ! " and the mob grew so great and so loud, I was frightened, and made my way back to the house to warn my son to make his escape, or hide himself for fear of the con- sequences. Jason would not believe me till they came all round the house, and to the windows with great shouts : then he grew quite pale, and asked sir Condy what had he best do ? " I'll tell you what you'd best do," said sir Condy, who was laughing to see his fright ; " finish your glass first, then let's go to the window and show ourselves, and I'll tell 'em, or you shall, if you please, that I'm going to the Lodge for change of air for my health, and by my own desire, for the rest of my days." " Do so," said 76 CASTLE RACKRENT. Jason, \vho never meant it should have been so, but could not refuse him the Lodge at this unseasonable time. Accordingly sir Condy threw up the sash, and explained matters, and thanked all his friends, and bid 'em look in at the punch-bowl, and observe that Jason and he had been sitting over it very good friends ; so the mob was content, and he sent 'em out some whiskey to drink his health, and that was the last time his honour's health was ever drunk at Castle Rackrent. The very next day, being too proud, as he said, to me, to stay an hour longer in a house that did not belong to him, he sets off to the Lodge, and I along with him not many hours after. And there was great bemoaning through all O'Shaughlin's town, which I stayed to witness, and gave my poor master a full account of when I got to the Lodge. He was very low and in his bed when I got there, and com- plained of a great pain about his heart, but I guessed it was only trouble, and all the business, let alone vexation, he had gone through of late ; and knowing the nature of him from a boy, I took my pipe, and, whilst smoking it by the chimney, began telling him how he was beloved and regretted in the county, and it did him a deal of good to hear it. " Your honour has a great many friends yet, that you don't know of, rich and poor, in the county," says I ; " for as I was coming along the road, I met two gentlemen in their own carriages, who asked after you, knowing me, and wanted to know where you was and all about you, and even how old I was : think of that." CASTLE HACKRENT. 77 Then he wakened out of his dose, and began ques. tioning me who the gentlemen were. And the next morning it came into my head to go, unknown to any body, with my master's compliments, round to many of the gentlemen's houses, where he and my lady used to visit, and people that I knew were his great friends, and would go to Cork to serve him any day in the year, and I made bold to try to borrow a trifle of cash from them. They all treated me very civil for the most part, and asked a great many questions very kind about my lady, and sir Condy, and all the family, and were greatly surprised to learn from me Castle Rackrent was sold, and my master at the Lodge for health ; and they all pitied him greatly, and he had their good wishes, if that would do, but money was a thing they unfortunately had not any of them at this time to spare. I had my journey for my pains, and I, not used to walking, nor supple as formerly, was greatly tired, but had the satisfaction of telling my master, when I got to the Lodge, all the civil things said by high and low. " Thady," says he, " all you've been telling me brings a strange thought into my head ; I've a notion I shall not be long for this world any how, and I've a great fancy to see my own funeral afore I die." I was greatly shocked, at the first speaking, to hear him speak so light about his funeral, and he, to all appearance, in good health, but recollecting myself, answered, " To be sure, it would be as fine a sight as one could see, I dared to say, and one I should be proud to witness, and I did not doubt his honour's 7o CASTLE RACKRENT. would be as great a funeral as ever sir Patrick O'Shaughlin's was, and such a one as that had never been known in the county afore or since." But I never thought he was in earnest about seeing his own funeral himself, till the next day he returns to it again. " Thady," says he, " as far as the wake* goes, sure I might without any great trouble have the satisfaction of seeing a bit of my own funeral." " Well, since your honour's honour's so bent upon it," says I, not willing to cross him, and he in trouble, " we must see what we can do." So he fell into a sort of a sham disorder, which was easy done, as he kept his bed, and no one to see him ; and I got my shister, who was an old woman very handy about the sick, and very skilful, to come up to the Lodge, to nurse him ; and we gave out, she knowing no better, that he was just at his latter end, and it answered beyond any thing ; and there was a great throng of people, men, women, and childer, and there being only two rooms at the Lodge, except what was locked up full of Jason's furniture and things, the house was soon as full and fuller than it could hold, and the heat, and smoke, and noise wonderful great ; and standing amongst them that were near the bed, but not thinking at all of the dead, I was started by the sound of my master's voice from under the great coats that had been thrown all at top, and I * A wake in England is a meeting avowedly for merriment ; in Ireland it is a nocturnal meeting avowedly for the purpose of watching and bewailing the dead ; but, in reality, for gossiping and debaucherv. CASTLE RACKRENT. 79 went close up, no one noticing. " Thady," says he, " I've had enough of this ; I'm smothering, and can't hear a word of all they're saying of the deceased." " God bless you, and lie still and quiet," says I, " a bit longer, for my shister's afraid of ghosts, and would die on the spot with fright, was she to eee you come to life all on a sudden this way without the least preparation." So he lays him still, though well nigh stifled, and I made all haste to tell the secret of the joke, whispering to one and t'other, and there was a great surprise, but not so great as we had laid out it would. "And aren't we to have the pipes and tobacco, after coming so far to-night ?" said some ; but they were all well enough pleased \vhen his honour got up to drink with them, and sent for more spirits from a shebean-house,* where they very civilly let him have it upon credit. So the night passed off very merrily, but, to my mind, sir Condy was rather upon the sad order in the midst of it all, not finding there had been such a great talk about himself after his death as he had always expected to hear. The next morning, when the house was cleared of them, and none but my shister and myself left in the kitchen with sir Condy, one opens the door, and walks in, and who should it be but Judy M'Quirk herself! I forgot to notice, that she had been married long since, whilst young captain Moneygawl lived at the Lodge, to the captain's huntsman, who after a whilst * Shebean house, a hedge-alehouse. Shebean properly means weak small-beer, taplash. 80 CASTLE RACKRKNT. listed and left her, and was killed in the wars. Poor Judy fell off greatly in her good looks after her being married a year or two ; and being smoke-dried in the cabin, and neglecting herself like,, it was hard for sir Condy himself to know her again till she spoke ; but when she says, " It's Judy M'Quirk, please your honour, don't you remember her ?" "Oh, Judy, is it you?" says his honour; "yes, sure, I remember you very well ; but you're greatly altered, Judy." " Sure it's time for me," says she ; " and I think your honour, since I seen you last, — but that's a great while ago, — is altered too." "And with reason, Judy," says sir Condy, fetching a sort of a sigh ; " but how's this, Judy ?" he goes on; " I take it a little amiss of you, that you were not at my wake last night." " Ah, don't be being jealous of that," says she ; " I didn't hear a sentence of your honour's wake till it was all over, or it would have gone hard with me but I would have been at it sure ; but I was forced to go ten miles up the country three days ago to a wedding of a relation of my own's, and didn't get home till after the wake was over ; but," says she, " it won't be so, I hope, the next time,* please your honour." " That we shall see, Judy," says his honour, " and may be sooner than you think for, for I've been very unwell this while past, and * At the coronation of one of our monarchs, the king com- plained of the confusion which happened in the procession. The great officer who presided told his majesty, " That it should not be so next time." CASTLE RACKRENT. 81 don't reckon any way I'm long for this world." At this, Judy takes up the corner of her apron, and puts it first to one eye and then to t'other, being to all appearance in great trouble ; and my shister put in her word, and bid his honour have a good heart, for she was sure it was only the gout, that sir Patrick \ised to have flying about him, and he ought to drink a glass or a bottle extraordinary to keep it out r»f his stomach ; and he promised to take her advice, and sent out for more spirits immediately ; and Judy made a sign to me, and I went over to the door to her, and she said, " I wonder to see sir Condy so low ! has he heard the news?" "What news?" says I. " Didn't ye hear it, then ? " says she ; " my lady Rackrent that was is kilt and lying for dead, and I don't doubt but it's all over with her by this time." " Mercy on us all," says I ; " how was it ? " " The jaunting car it was that ran away with her," says Judy. "I was coming home that same time from Biddy M'Guggin's marriage, and a great crowd of people too upon the road, coining from the fair of Crookaghnawaturgh, and I sees a jaunting car standing in the middle of the road, and with the two wheels off and all tattered. 'What's this?' says I. 'Didn't ye hear of it?' says they that were looking on ; ' it's my lady Rackrent's car, that M'as running away from her husband, and the horse took fright at a carrion that lay across the road, and so ran away with the jaunting car, and my lady Rackrent and her maid screaming, and the horse ran with them against a car that was coming from the fair, with the G i 82 CASTLE RACKRENT. boy asleep on it, and the lady's petticoat hanging out of the jaunting car caught, and she was dragged I can't tell you how far upon the road, and it all broken up with the stones just going to be pounded, and one of the road-makers, with his sledge-hammer in his hand, stops the horse at the last ; but my lady Rackrent was all kilt* and smashed, and they lifted her into a cabin hard by, and the maid was found after, where she had been thrown, in the gripe of the ditch, her cap and bonnet all full of bog water, and they say my lady can't live any way.' Thady, pray now is it true what I'm told for sartain, that sir Condy has made over all to your son Jason ? " "All," says I. "All entirely?" says she again. "All entirely," says I. " Then," says she, "that's a great shame, but don't be telling Jason what I say." "And what is it you say ? " cries sir Condy, leaning over betwixt us, which made Judy start greatly. "I know the time when Judy M'Quirk would never have stayed so long talking at the door, and I in the house." "Oh !" says Judy, "for shame, sir Condy ; * Kilt and smashed. — Our author is not here guilty of an anti-climax. The mere English reader, from a similarity of sound between the words kilt and killed, might be induced to suppose that their meanings are similar, yet they are not by any means in Ireland synonymous terms. Thus you may hear a man exclaim, " I'm kilt and murdered !" but he frequently means only that he has received a black eye, or a slight contu- sion Pm kilt all over means that he is in a worse state than being simply kilt. Thus, /'/» kilt with the cold is nothing to /';« kilt all over with the rheumatism. CASTLE KACKRENT. 83 times are altered since then, and it's my lady Rack- rent you ought to be thinking of." " And why should I be thinking of her, that's not thinking of me now ? " says sir Condy. " No matter for that," says Judy, very properly ; " it's time you should be thinking of her, if ever you mean to do it at all, for don't you know she's lying for death ? " " My lady Rackrent ! " says sir Condy, in a surprise ; " why it's but two days since we parted, as you very well know, Thady, in her full health and spirits, and she and her maid along with her going to Mount Juliet's town on her jaunting car." " She'll never ride no more on her jaunting car," said Judy, " for it has been the death of her, sure enough." " And is she dead, then ? " says his honour. " As good as dead, I hear," says Judy ; " but there's Thady here has just learnt the whole truth of the story as I had it, and it is fitter he or any body else should be telling it you than I, sir Condy : I must be going home to the childer." But he stops her, but rather from civility in him, as I could see very plainly, than any thing else, for Judy was, as his honour remarked at her first coming in, greatly changed, and little likely, as far as I could see — though she did not seem to be clear of it herself — little likely to be my lady Rack- rent now, should there be a second toss-up to be made. But I told him the whole story out of the face, just as Judy had told it to me, and he sent off messenger with his compliments to Mount Juliet's town that evening, to learn the truth of the report, and Judy bid the boy that was going call in at Tim G 2 84 CASTLE RACKRENT. M'Enerney's shop in O'Shaughlin's town and buy her a new shawl. " Do so/' said sir Condy, " and tell Tim to take no money from you, for I must pay him for the shawl myself." At this my shister throws me over a look, and I says nothing, but turned the tobacco in my mouth, whilst Judy began making a many words about it, and saying how she could not be beholden for shawls to any gentleman. I left her there to consult with my shister, did she think there was any thing in it, and my shister thought I was blind to be asking her the question, and I thought my shister must see more into it than I did; and recollecting all past times and every thing, I changed my mind, and came over to her way of thinking, and we settled it that Judy was very like to be my lady Rackrent after all, if a vacancy should have happened. The next day, before his honour was up, somebody comes with a double knock at the door, and I was greatly surprised to see it was my son Jason. " Jason, is it you ? " said I ; " what brings you to the Lodge? " says I ; " is it my lady Rackrent? we know that already since yesterday." " May be so,'' says he, " but I must see sir Condy about it." " You can't see him yet," says I ; " sure he is not awake." " What then," says he, " can't he be wakened? and I standing at the door." " I'll not be disturbing his honour for you, Jason," says I ; " many's the hour you've waited in your time, and been proud to do it, till his honour was at leisure to speak to you. His honour," says I, raising my voice, at which his CASTLE RACKREXT. 85 honour wakens of his own accord, and calls to me from the room to know who it was I was speaking to. Jason made no more ceremony, but follows me into the room. " How are you, sir Condy?" says he; " I'm happy to see you looking so Mrell ; I came up to know how you did to-day, and to see did you want for any thing at the Lodge." " Nothing at all, Mr. Jason, I thank you," says he ; for his honour had his own share of pride, and did not choose, after all that had passed, to be beholden, I suppose, to my son ; " but pray take a chair and be seated, Mr. Jason." Jason sat him down upon the chest, for chair there was none, and after he had sat there some time, and a silence on all sides, " What news is there stirring in the country, Mr. Jason M'Quirk?" says sir Condy very easy, yet high like. " None that's news to you, sir Condy, I hear," says Jason : " I am sorry to hear of my lady Rackrent's accident." " I'm much obliged to you, and so is her ladyship, I'm sure," answered sir Condy, still stiff; and there was another sort of a silence, which seemed to lie the heaviest on my son Jason. " Sir Condy," says he at last, seeing sir Condy disposing himself to go to sleep again, " sir Condy, I dare say you recollect mentioning to me the little memorandum you gave to lady Rackrent about the 500/. a-year jointure." " Very true," said sir Condy; " it is all in my recollection." " But if my lady Rackrent dies, there's an end of all jointure," says Jason. " Of course," says sir Condy. " But it's not a matter of certainty that my lady Rackrent won't OO CASTLE RACKRENT. recover," says Jason. " Very true, sir," says my master. " It's a fair speculation, then, for you to consider what the chance of the jointure on those lands, when out of custodiam, will be to you." " Just five hundred a-year, I take it, without any specula- tion at all," said sir Condy. " That's supposing the life dropt, and the custodiam off, you know; begging your pardon, sir Condy, who understands business, that is a wrong calculation." " Very likely so," said sir Condy ; " but, Mr. Jason, if you have any thing to say to me this morning about it, I'd be obliged to you to say it, for I had an indifferent night's rest last night, and wouldn't be sorry to sleep a little this morning." " I have only three words to say, and those more of consequence to you, sir Condy, than me. You are a little cool, I observe ; but I hope you will not be offended at what I have brought here in my pocket," and he pulls out two long rolls, and showers down golden guineas upon the bed. " What's this ? " said sir Condy ; " it's long since " — but his pride stops him. " All these are your lawful property this minute, sir Condy, if you please," said Jason. " Not for nothing, I'm sure," said sir Condy, and laughs a little — " nothing for nothing, or I'm under a mistake with you, Jason." " Oh, sir Condy, we'll not be indulging ourselves in any unpleasant retrospects," says Jason ; " it's my present intention to behave, as I'm sure you will, like a gentleman in this affair. Here's two hundred guineas, and a third I mean to add, if you should think proper to make over to me all your right and CASTLE BACKRENT. 87 title to those lands that you know of." " I'll con- sider of it," said my master ; and a great deal more, that I was tired listening to, was said by Jason, and all that, and the sight of the ready cash upon the bed worked with his honour ; and the short and the long of it was, sir Condy gathered up the golden guineas, and tied them up in a handkerchief, and signed some paper Jason brought with him as usual, and there was an end of the business ; Jason took himself away, and my master turned himself round and fell asleep again. I soon found what had put Jason in such a hurry to conclude this business. The little gossoon we had sent off the day before with my master's compliments to Mount Juliet's town, and to know how my lady did after her accident, was stopped early this morning, coming back with his answer through O'Shaughlin's town, at Castle Rackrent, by my son Jason, and questioned of all he knew of my lady from the servant at Mount Juliet's town ; and the gossoon told him my lady Rackrent was not expected to live over night ; so Jason thought it high time to be moving to the Lodge, to make his bargain with my master about the jointure afore it should be too late, and afore the little gossoon should reach us with the news. My master was greatly vexed, that is, I may say, as much as ever I seen him, when he found how he had been taken in ; but it was some comfort to have the ready cash for immediate con- sumption in the house, any way. And when Judy came up that evening, and 00 CASTLE RACKRENT brought the childer to see his honour, he unties the handkerchief, and, God bless him ! whether it M as little or much he had, 'twas all the same with him, he gives 'em all round guineas a-piece. " Hold up your head," says my shister to Judy, as sir Condy \vas busy filling out a glass of punch for her eldest boy — " Hold up your head, Judy; for who knows but we may live to see you yet at the head of the Castle Kackrent estate ? " " May be so," says she, " but not the way you are thinking of." I did not rightly Tinderstand M'hich Mray Judy was looking when she makes this speech, till a-while after. " Why, Thady, you were telling me yesterday, that sir Condy had sold all entirely to Jason, and \vhere then does all them guineas in the handkerchief come from ? " " They are the purchase-money of my lady's jointure," says I. Judy looks a little bit puzzled at this. " A penny for your thoughts, Judy," says my shister ; " hark, sure sir Condy is drinking her health." He was at the table in the room., * drinking with the exciseman and the ganger, who came up to see his honour, and we were stand- ing over the fire in the kitchen. " I don't much care is he drinking my health or not," says Judy ; " and it is not sir Condy I'm thinking of, M'ith all your jokes, whatever he is of me." " Sure you wouldn't refuse to be my lady Rackrent, Judy, if you had the offer ? " says I. " But if I could do better!" says she. " How better?" says I and my * The room — the principal room in the house. CASTLE RACKRENT. 89 shister both at once. " How better ? " says she ; " why, what signifies it to be my lady Rackrent, arid no castle ? sure what good is the car, and no horse to draw it ? " " And where will ye get the horse, Judy ? " says I. " Never mind that," says she ; " may be it is your own son Jason might find that." " Jason ! " says I ; " don't be trusting to him, Judy. Sir Condy, as I have good reason to know, spoke well of you, when Jason spoke very indifferently of you, Judy." " No matter," says Judy ; " it's often men speak the contrary just to what they think of us." " Arid you the same way of them, no doubt," ansM-ers I. " Nay, don't be denying it, Judy, for I think the better of ye for it, and shouldn't be proud to call ye the daughter of a shister's son of mine, if I was to hear ye talk ungrateful, and any way dis- respectful of his honour." " What disrespect," says she, " to say I'd rather, if it was my luck, be the wife of another man ? " <( You'll have no luck, mind my words, Judy," says I; and all I remem- bered about my poor master's goodness in tossing up for her afore he married at all came across me, and I had a choaking in my throat that hindered me to say more. " Better luck, any how, Thady," says she, " than to be like some folk, following the for- tunes of them that have none left." " Oh ! King of Glory !" says I, " hear the pride and ungratitude of her, and he giving his last guineas but a minute ago to her childer, and she with the fine shawl on her he made her a present of but yesterday ! " " Oh, troth, Judy, you're wrong now," says my shister, looking 90 CASTLE RACKRENT. at the shawl. " And was not he wrong yesterday, then/' says she, " to be telling me I was greatly altered, to affront me ? " " But, Judy," says I, " what is it brings you here then at all in the mind you are in ; is it to make Jason think the better of you ? " " I'll tell you no more of my secrets, Thady," says she, " nor would have told you this much, had I taken you for such an unnatural fader as I tind you are, not to wish your own son prefarred to another." " Oh, troth, you are wrong now, Thady," says my shister. Well, I was never so put to it in my life : between these womens, and my son and my master, and all I felt and thought just now, I could not, upon my conscience, tell which was the wrong from the right. So I said not a word more, but was only glad his honour had not the luck to hear all Judy had been saying of him, for I reckoned it would have gone nigh to break his heart; not that I was of opinion he cared for her as much as she and my shister fancied, but the ungratitude of the whole from Judy might not plase him ; and he could never stand the notion of not being well spoken of or be- loved like behind his back. Fortunately for all par- ties concerned, he was so much elevated at this time, there was no danger of his understanding any thing, even if it had reached his ears. There was a great horn at the Lodge, ever since my master and captain Moneygawl was in together, that used to belong originally to the celebrated sir Patrick, his ancestor; and his honour was fond often of telling the story that he learned from me when a child, how sir CASTLE RACKRENT. 91 Patrick drank the full of this horn without stopping, and this was what no other man afore or since could without drawing breath. Now sir Condy challenged the gauger, who seemed to think little of the horn, to swallow the contents, and had it filled to the brim with punch ; and the gauger said it was what he could not do for nothing, but he'd hold sir Condy a hundred guineas he'd do it. " Done," says my mas- ter ; " I'll lay you a hundred golden guineas to a tester* you don't." " Done," says the gauger; and done and done's enough between two gentlemen. The gauger was cast, and my master won the bet, and thought he'd won a hundred guineas, but by the wording it was adjudged to be only a tester that was his due by the exciseman. It was all one to him ; he was as well pleased, and I was glad to see him in such spirits again. The gauger, bad luck to him ! was the man that next proposed to my master to try himself could he take at a draught the contents of the great horn. " Sir Patrick's horn !" said his honour; " hand it to me : I'll hold you your own bet over again I'll swallow it." " Done," says the gauger; " I'll lay ye any thing at all you do no such thing." " A hundred guineas to sixpence I do," says he : " bring me the handkerchief." I was loth, knowing he meant the handkerchief with the gold in it, to bring it out in * Tester — sixpence ; from the French word t6te, a head : a piece of silver stamped with a head, which in old French was called " un testion," and which was about the value of an old English sixpence. Tester is used in Shakspeare. CASTLE RACKRENT. sucli company, and his honour not very able to reckon it. " Bring me the handkerchief, then, Thady," says he, and stamps with his foot ; so with that I pulls it out of my great coat pocket, where I had put it for safety. Oh, how it grieved me to see the guineas counting upon the table, and they the last my master had ! Says sir Condy to me, " Your hand is steadier than mine to-night, old Thady, and that's a wonder ; fill you the horn for me." And so, wishing his honour success, I did ; but I filled it, little thinking of what would befall him. He swal- lows it down, and drops like one shot. We lifts him up, and he was speechless, and quite black in the face. We put him to bed, and in a short time he wakened, raving with a fever on his brain. He was shocking either to see or hear. " Judy! Judy! have you no touch of feeling ? won't you stay to help us nurse him ?" says I to her, and she putting on her shawl to go out of the house. " I'm frightened to see him," says she, " and wouldn't nor couldn't stay in it ; and what use? he can't last till the morning." With that she ran off. There was none but my shister and myself left near him of all the many friends he had. The fever came and went, and came and went, and lasted five days, and the sixth he was sensible for a few minutes, and said to me, knowing me very well, " I'm in burning pain all withinside of me, Thady." I could not speak, but my shister asked him would he have this thing or t'other to do him good ? " No," says he, " no- thing will do me good no more," and he gave a terrible screech with the torture he was in — then CASTLE HACKRENT. 93 again a minute's ease — " brought to this by drink/' says he ; " where are all the friends ? — where's Judy ? — Gone, hey ? Ay, sir Condy has been a fool all his days/' said he ; and there M'as the last word he spoke, and died. He had but a very poor funeral, after all. If you want to know any more, I'm not very well able to tell you ; but my lady Rackrent did not die, as was expected of her, but M'as only disfigured in the face ever after by the fall and bruises she got ; and she and Jason, immediately after my poor mas- ter's death, set about going to law about that join- ture ; the memorandum not being on stamped paper, some say it is worth nothing, others again it may do ; others say, Jason won't have the lands at any rate; Many wishes it so : for my part, I'm tired wishing for any thing in this world, after all I've seen in it — but I'll say nothing; it would be a folly to be getting myself ill-will in my old age. Jason did not marry, nor think of marrying Judy, as I prophesied, and I am not sorry for it ; who is ? As for all I have here set down from memory and hearsay of the family, there's nothing but truth in it from beginning to end : that you may depend upon ; for where's the use of telling lies about the things which every body knows as well as I do ? The Editor could have readily made the catas- trophe of sir Condy's history more dramatic and more pathetic, if he thought it allowable to varnish 94 CASTLE RACKRENT. the plain round tale of faithful Thady. He lays it before the English reader as a specimen of manners and characters, which are, perhaps, unknown in England. Indeed, the domestic habits of no nation in Europe were less known to the English than those of their sister country, till within these few years. Mr. Young's picture of Ireland, in his tour through that country, was the first faithful portrait of its inhabitants. All the features in the foregoing sketch were taken from the life, and they are cha- racteristic of that mixture of quickness, simplicity, cunning, carelessness, dissipation, disinterestedness, shrewdness, and blunder, which, in different forms, and with various success, has been brought upon the stage, or delineated in novels. It is a problem of difficult solution to determine, whether an Union will hasten or retard the meliora- tion of this country. The few gentlemen of educa- tion, who now reside in this country, will resort to England : they are few, but they are in nothing inferior to men of the same rank in Great Britain. The best that can happen will be the introduction of British manufacturers in their places. Did the Warwickshire militia, who were chiefly artisans, teach the Irish to drink beer ? or did they learn from the Irish to drink whiskey ? 1800. GLOSSARY. Some friends, who have seen Thady's history since it has been printed, have suggested to the Editor, that many of the terms and idiomatic phrases, with which it abounds, could not be intelligible to the English reader ivilhout further explanation. The Editor has therefore furnished the following Glos- sary. Page 1. Monday morning. — Thady begins his memoirs of the Rackrent Family by dating Monday morning, because no great undertaking can be auspi- ciously commenced in Ireland on any morning but Monday morning. " O, please God we live till Monday morning, we'll set the slater to mend the roof of the house. On Monday morning we'll fall to, and cut the turf. On Monday morning we'll see and begin mowing. On Monday morning, please your honour, we'll begin and dig the potatoes," &c. All the intermediate days, between the making of such speeches and the ensuing Monday, are wasted : and when Monday morning comes, it is ten to one that the business is deferred to the next Monday morning. The Editor knew a gentleman, 96 GLOSSARY. who, to counteract this prejudice, made his workmen and labourers begin all new pieces of work upon a Saturday. Page 3. Let alone the three kingdoms itself. — Lei alone, in this sentence, means put out of consi- deration. The phrase, let alone, which is now used as the imperative of a verb, may in time become a conjunction, and may exercise the ingenuity of some future etymologist. The celebrated Home Tooke has proved most satisfactorily, that the conjunction but comes from the imperative of the Anglo-Saxon very (beoulan} to be out ; also, that z/'comes from gift, the imperative of the Anglo-Saxon verb which signi- fies to give, &c. Page 5. Whillaluh.' — Ullaloo, Gol, or lamentation over the dead — " Magnoque ululante tumultu." — VIRGIL. *' Ululatibus omne Implevere nemus." — OVID. A full account of the Irish Go], or Ullaloo, and of the Caoinan or Irish funeral song, with its first semi- chorus, second semichorus, full chorus of sighs and groans, together with the Irish words and music, may be found in the fourth volume of the transactions of the Royal Irish Academy. For the advantage of lazy readers, who would rather read a page than walk a yard, and from compassion, not to say sympathy, with their infirmity, the Editor transcribes the following passages : GLOSSARY. 97 " The Irish have been always remarkable for their funeral lamentations, and this peculiarity has been noticed by almost every traveller who visited them ; and it seems derived from their Celtic ancestors, the primaeval inhabitants of this isle. " It has been affirmed of the Irish, that to cry was more natural to them than to any other nation, and at length the Irish cry became proverbial. * " Cambrensis in the twelfth century says, the Irish then musically expressed their griefs ; that is, they applied the musical art, in which they excelled all others, to the orderly celebration of funeral obsequies, by dividing the mourners into two bodies, each alter- nately singing their part, and the whole at times joining in full chorus. * * * * The body of the deceased, dressed in grave clothes, and orna- mented with flowers, was placed on a bier, or some elevated spot. The relations and keepers (singing mourners) ranged themselves in two divisions, one at the head, and the other at the feet of the corpse. The bards and croteries had before prepared the funeral Caoinan. The chief bard of the head chorus began by singing the first stanza in a low, doleful tone, which was softly accompanied by the harp : at the conclusion, the foot semichorus began the la- mentation, or Ullaloo, from the final note of the preceding stanza, in which they were answered by the head semichorus; then both united in one general chorus. The chorus of the first stanza being ended, the chief bard of the foot semichorus began the second Gol or lamentation, in which he was answered GLOSSARY. by that of the head ; and then, as before, both united in the general full chorus. Thus alternately were the song and choruses performed during the night. The genealogy, rank, possessions, the virtues and vices of the dead were rehearsed, and a number of interrogations were addressed to the deceased ; as, Why did he die ? If married, whether his wife was faithful to him, his sons dutiful, or good hunters or warriors ? If a woman, whether her daughters were fair or chaste ? If a young man, whether he had been crossed in love ; or if the blue-eyed maids of Erin treated him with scorn ? " We are told, that formerly the feet (the metrical feet) of the Caoinan were much attended to ; but on the decline of the Irish bards these feet were gra- dually neglected, and the Caoinan fell into a sort of slipshod metre amongst women. Each province had different Caoinans, or at least different imitations of the original. There was the Munster cry, the Ulster cry, &c. It became an extempore performance, and every set of keepers varied the melody according to their own fancy. It is curious to observe how customs and ceremonies degenerate. The present Irish cry, or howl, cannot boast of such melody, nor is the funeral procession conducted with much dignity. The crowd of people who assemble at these funerals sometimes amounts to a thousand, often to four or five hundred. They gather as the bearers of the hearse proceed on their way, and when they pass through any village, or when they come near any houses, they begin to cry — GLOSSARY. 99 Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! Agh ! Agh ! raising their notes from the first Oh ! to the last Agh ! in a kind of mournful howl. This gives notice to the inhabit- ants of the village that a funeral is passing, and immediately they flock out to follow it. In the province of Munster it is a common thing for the women to follow a funeral, to join in the universal cry with all their might and main for some time, and then to turn and ask — " Arrah ! who is it that's dead ? — who is it we're crying for ?" Even the poorest people have their own burying-places, that is, spots of ground in the church-yards, where they say that their ancestors have been buried ever since the wars of Ireland ; and if these burial-places are ten miles from the place where a man dies, his friends and neighbours take care to carry his corpse thither. Always one priest, often five or six priests, attend these funerals ; each priest repeats a mass, for which he is paid, sometimes a shilling, sometimes half-a-crown, sometimes half-a-guinea, or a guinea, according to their circumstances, or, as they say, according to the ability of the deceased. After the burial of any very poor man, who has left a widow or children, the priest makes what is called a collection for the widow; he goes round to every person present, and each contributes sixpence or a shilling, or what they please. The reader will find in the note upon the word Wake, p. 117, more particulars respecting the conclusion of the Irish funerals. Certain old women, who cry particularly loud and well, are in great request, and, as a man said to the H 2 100 GLOSSARY. Editor, " Every one would wish and be proud to have such at his funeral, or at that of his friends." The lower Irish are wonderfully eager to attend the funerals of their friends and relations, and they make their relationships branch out to a great extent. The proof that a poor man has been well beloved during his life is his having a crowded funeral. To attend a neighbour's funeral is a cheap proof of humanity, but it does not, as some imagine, cost nothing. The time spent in attending funerals may be safely valued at half a million to the Irish nation ; the Editor thinks that double that sum would not be too high an estimate. The habits of profligacy and drunkenness, which are acquired at wakes, are here put out of the question. When a labourer, a carpenter, or a smith, is not at his work, which frequently happens, ask where he is gone, and ten to one the answer is — " Oh faith, please your honour, he couldn't do a stroke to-day, for he's gone to the funeral." Even beggars, when they grow old, go about beggingjfrr their own funerals ; that is, begging for money to buy a coffin, candles, pipes, and tobacco. For the use of the candles, pipes, and tobacco, see Wake. Those who value customs in proportion to their antiquity, and nations in proportion to their ad- herence to ancient customs, will, doubtless, admire the Irish Ullaloo, and the Irish nation, for per- severing in this usage from time immemorial. The Editor, however, has observed some alarming symp- toms, which seem to prognosticate the declining taste GLOSSARY. 101 for the Ullaloo in Ireland. In a comic theatrical entertainment, represented not long since on the Dublin stage, a chorus of old women was introduced, who set up the Irish howl round the relics of a physician, who is supposed to have fallen under the wooden sword of Harlequin. After the old women have continued their Ullaloo for a decent time, with all the necessary accompaniments of wringing their hands, wiping or rubbing their eyes with the corners of their gowns or aprons, &c. one of the mourners suddenly suspends her lamentable cries, and, turning to her neighbour, asks, " Arrah now, honey, who is it we're crying for ? " Page 6. The tenants were sent away without their whiskey. — It is usual with some landlords to give their inferior tenants a glass of whiskey when they pay their rents. Thady calls it their whiskey; not that the whiskey is actually the property of the tenants, but that it becomes their right after it has been often given to them. In this general mode of reasoning respecting rights the lower Irish are not singular, but they are peculiarly quick and tenacious in claiming these rights. " Last year your honour gave me some straw for the roof of my house, and I expect your honour will be after doing the same this year." In this manner gifts are frequently turned into tributes. The high and low are not always dissimilar in their habits. It is said, that the Sublime Ottoman Porte is very apt to claim gifts as tributes : thus it is dan- gerous to send the Grand Seignor a fine horse on 102 GLOSSARY. his birthday one year, lest on his next birthday he should expect a similar present, and should proceed to demonsti'ate the reasonableness of his expectations. Page 7- He demeaned himself greatly — means, he lowered or disgraced himself much. Page 7- Duty fowls, and duty turkies, and duly geese. — In many leases in Ireland, tenants were formerly bound to supply an inordinate quantity of poultry to their landlords. The Editor knew of thirty turkies being reserved in one lease of a small farm. Page 9. English tenants. — An English tenant does not mean a tenant who is an Englishman, but a tenant who pays his rent the day that it is due. It is a common prejudice in Ireland, amongst the poorer classes of people, to believe that all tenants in England pay their rents on the very day when they become due. An Irishman, when he goes to take a farm, if he wants to prove to his landlord that he is a substantial man, offers to become an English tenant. If a tenant disobliges his landlord by voting against him, or against his opinion, at an election, the tenant is immediately informed by the agent, that he must become an English tenant. This threat does not imply that he is to change his language or his coun- try, but that he must pay all the arrear of rent which he owes, and that he must thenceforward pay his rent on that day when it becomes due. GLOSSARY. 103 Page 9. Canting — does not mean talking or writing hypocritical nonsense, but selling substan- tially by auction. Page 9. Duty work. — It was formerly common in Ireland to insert clauses in leases, binding tenants to furnish their landlords with labourers and horses for several days in the year. Much petty tyranny and oppression have resulted from this feudal custom. Whenever a poor man disobliged his landlord, the agent sent to him for his duty work, and Thady does not exaggerate when he says, that the tenants were often called from their own work to do that of their landlord. Thus the very means of earning their rent were taken from them : whilst they were getting home their landlord's harvest> their own was often ruined, and yet their rents were expected to be paid as punctually as if their time had been at their own disposal. This appears the height of absurd injustice. In Esthonia, amongst the poor Sclavonian race of peasant slaves, they pay tributes to their lords, not under the name of duty work, duty geese, duty turkies, &c., but under the name of righteousnesses. The following ballad is a curious specimen of Estho- nian poetry : — " This is the cause that the country is ruined, And the straw of the thatch is eaten away, The gentry are come to live in the land — Chimneys between the village, And the proprietor upon the white floor ! The sheep brings forth a lamb with a white forehead, 104 GLOSSARY. This is paid to the lord for a righteousness sheep. The sow farrows pigs, They go to the spit of the lord. The hen lays eggs, They go into the lord's frying-pan. The cow drops a male calf, That goes into the lord's herd as a bull. The mare foals a horse foal, That must be for my lord's nag. The boor's wife has sons, They must go to look after my lord's poultry." Page 10. Out of forty-nine suits which he had, he never lost one but seventeen. — Thady's language in this instance is a specimen of a mode of rhetoric common in Ireland. An astonishing assertion is made in the beginning of a sentence, which ceases to be in the least surprising, when you hear the quali- fying explanation that follows. Thus a man who is in the last stage of staggering drunkenness will, if he can articulate, swear to you — " Upon his con- science now, and may he never stir from the spot alive if he is telling a lie, upon his conscience he has not tasted a drop of any thing, good or bad, since morning at-all-at-all, but half a pint of whiskey, please your honour." Page 11. Fairy Mounts — Barrows. It is said that these high mounts were of great service to the natives of Ireland when Ireland was invaded by the Danes. Watch was always kept on them, and upon the approach of an enemy a fire was lighted to give notice to the next watch, and thus the intelligence was quickly communicated through the country. GLOSSARY. 105 Somi, years ago, the common people believed that these barrows were inhabited by fairies, or, as they called them, by the good people. " O troth, to the best of my belief, and to the best of my judgment and opinion," said an elderly man to the Editor, " it was only the old people that had nothing to do, and got together, and were telling stories about them fairies, but to the best of my judgment there's nothing in it. Only this I heard myself not very many years back from a decent kind of a man, a grazier, that as he was coming just fair and easy (quietly) from the fair, with some cattle and sheep, that he had not sold, just at the church of , at an angle of the road like, he was met by a good- looking man, who asked him where he was going ? And he answered, ' Oh, far enough, I must be going all night.' ' No, that you mustn't nor won't (says the man), you'll sleep with me the night, and you'll want for nothing, nor your cattle nor sheep neither, nor your beast (horse) ; so come along with me.' With that the grazier lit (alighted) from his horse, and it was dark night ; but presently he finds him- self, he does not know in the wide world how, in a fine house, and plenty of every thing to eat and drink ; nothing at all wanting that he could wish for or think of. And he does not mind (recollect or know) how at last he falls asleep ; and in the morn- ing he finds himself lying, not in ever a bed or a house at all, but just in the angle of the road where first he met the strange man: there he finds him- self lying on his back on the grass, and all his sheep 106 GLOSSARY. feeding as quiet as ever all round about him, and his horse the same way, and the bridle of the beast over his wrist. And I asked him what he thought of it ; and from first to last he could think of nothing, but for certain sure it must have been the fairies that entertained him so well. For there was no house to see any where nigh hand, or any building, or barn, or place at all, but only the church and the mote (barroiv}. There's another odd thing enough that they tell about this same church, that if any per- son's corpse, that had not a right to be buried in that church-yard, went to be burying there in it, no, not all the men, women, or childer in all Ireland could get the corpse any way into the church-yard ; but as they would be trying to go into the church- yard, their feet would seem to be going backwards instead of forwards ; ay, continually backwards the whole funeral would seem to go ; and they would never set foot with the corpse in the church- yard. Now they say that it is the fairies do all this ; but it is my opinion it is all idle talk, and people are after being wiser now." The country people in Ireland certainly had great admiration mixed with reverence, if not dread, of fairies. They believed that beneath these fairy mounts were spacious subterraneous palaces, inha- bited by the good people, who must not on any account be disturbed. When the wind raises a little eddy of dust upon the road, the poor people believe that it is raised by the fairies, that it is a sign that they are journeying from one of the fairies' mounts to GLOSSARY. 107 another, and they say to. the fairies, or to the dust as it passes, " God speed ye, gentlemen ; God speed ye." This averts any evil that the good people might be inclined to do them. There are innumerable stories told of the friendly and unfriendly feats of these busy fairies ; some of these tales are ludicrous, and some romantic enough for poetry. It is a pity that poets should lose such convenient, though dimi- nutive machinery. By-the-bye, Parnel, who showed himself so deeply "skilled in faerie lore," was an Irishman ; and though he has presented his faeries to the world in the ancient English dress , of " Britain's isle, and Arthur's days," it is probable that his first acquaintance with them began in his native country. Some remote origin for the most superstitious or romantic popular illusions or vulgar errors may often be discovered. In Ireland, the old churches and church-yards have been usually fixed upon as the scenes of wonders. Now the antiquarians tell us, that near the ancient churches in that kingdom caves of various constructions have from time to time been discovered, which were formerly used as granaries or magazines by the ancient inhabitants, and as places to which they retreated in time of danger. There is (p. 84 of the R. I. A. Transactions for 1789) a parti- cular account of a number of these artificial caves at the west end of the church of Killossy, in the county of Kildare. Under a rising ground, in a dry sandy soil, these subterraneous dwellings were found : they have pediment roofs, and they communicate with 108 GLOSSARY. each other by small apertures. In the Brehon laws these are mentioned, and there are fines inflicted by those laws upon persons who steal from the subter- raneous granaries. All these things show that there was a real foundation for the stories which were told of the appearance of lights, and of the sounds of voices near these places. The persons who had property concealed there very willingly countenanced every wonderful relation that tended to make these places objects of sacred awe or superstitious terror. Page 12. Weed-ashes. — By ancient usage in Ireland, all the weeds on a farm belonged to the farmer's wife, or to the wife of the squire who holds the ground in his own hands. The great demand for alkaline salts in bleaching rendered these ashes no inconsiderable perquisite. Page 12. Sealing money. — Formerly it was the custom in Ireland for tenants to give the squire's lady from two to fifty guineas as a perquisite upon the sealing of their leases. The Editor not very long since knew of a baronet's lady accepting fifty guineas as sealing money, upon closing a bargain for a consi- derable farm. Page 12. Sir Murtaghgrerv mad. — Sir Murtagh grew angry. Page 12. The whole kitchen rvas out on the stairs — means that all the inhabitants of the kitchen came GLOSSARY. 109 out of the kitchen, and stood upon the stairs. These, and similar expressions, show how much the Irish are disposed to metaphor and amplification. Page 16. Fining down the yearly rent. — When an Irish gentleman, like sir Kit Rackrent, has lived beyond his income, and finds himself distressed for ready money, tenants obligingly offer to take his land at a rent far below the value, and to pay him a small sum of money in hand, which they call fining down the yearly rent. The temptation of this ready cash often blinds the landlord to his future interest. Page 16. Driver. — A man who is employed to drive tenants for rent ; that is, to drive the cattle belonging to tenants to pound. The office of driver is by no means a sinecure. Page 16. / thought to make him a priest. — It was customary amongst those of Thady's rank in Ireland, whenever they could get a little money, to send their sons abroad to St. Omer's, or to Spain, to be educated as priests. Now they are educated at Maynooth. The Editor has lately known a young lad, who began by being a post-boy, afterwards turn into a carpenter, then quit his plane and work-bench to study his Hu- manities, as he said, at the college of Maynooth ; but after he had gone through his course of Humanities, he determined to be a soldier instead of a priest. Page 19. Flam. — Short for flambeau. 110 GLOSSARY. Page 21. Barrack-room. — Formerly it was cus- tomary, in gentlemen's houses in Ireland, to fit up one large bedchamber with a number of beds for the reception of occasional visitors. These rooms were called Barrack-rooms. Page 21. An innocent — in Ireland, means a sim- pleton, and idiot. Page 30. The Curragh — is the Newmarket of Ireland. Page 30. The cant.— The auction. Page 35. And so should cut him off for ever, by levying a Jine, and stijfering a recovery to dock the entail. — The English reader may perhaps be surprised at the extent of Thady's legal knowledge, and at the fluency with which he pours forth law-terms; but almost every poor man in Ireland, be he farmer, weaver, shopkeeper, or steward, is, beside his other occupations, occasionally a lawyer. The nature of pro- cesses, ejectments, custodiams, injunctions, replevins, &c. is perfectly known to them, and the terms as fa- miliar to them as to any attorney. They all love law. It is a kind of lottery, in which every man, staking his own wit or cunning against his neighbour's property, feels that he has little to lose, and much to gain. "I'll have the law of you, so I will! "is the saying of an Englishman who expects justice. " I'll have you before his honour " is the threat of an Irishman who GLOSSARY. Ill hopes for partiality. Miserable is the life of a justice of the peace in Ireland the day after a fair, especially if he resides near a small town. The multitude of the kilt (kilt does not mean kitted, but hurt) and wounded who come before his honour with black eyes or bloody heads is astonishing : but more astonishing is the number of those who, though they are scarcely able by daily labour to procure daily food, will never- theless, without the least reluctance, waste six or seven hours of the day lounging in the yard or hall of a justice of the peace, waiting to make some com- plaint about — nothing. It is impossible to convince them that time is money. They do not set any value upon their own time, and they think that others estimate theirs at less than nothing. Hence they make no scruple of telling a justice of the peace a story of an hour long about a tester (sixpence) ; and if he grows impatient, they attribute it to some secret prejudice which he entertains against them. Their method is to get a story completely by heart, and to tell it, as they call it, out of the face, that is, from the beginning to the end, without interruption. " Well, my good friend, I have seen you lounging about these three hours in the yard ; what is your business ? " " Please your honour, it is what I want to speak one word to your honour." "Speak then, but be quick — What is the matter ? " "The matter, please your honour, is nothing at- all-at-all, only just about the grazing of a horse, please your honour, that this man here sold me at 1 ] 2 GLOSSARY. the fair of Gurtishannon last Shrove fair, which lay down three times with myself, please your honour, and kilt me; not to be telling your honour of how, no later back than yesterday night, he lay down in the house there within, and all the childer standing round, and it was God's mercy he did not fall a- top of them, or into the fire to burn himself. So, please your honour, to-day I took him back to this man, which owned him, and after a great deal to do I got the mare again I swopped (exchanged) him for; but he won't pay the grazing of the horse for the time I had him, though he promised to pay the grazing in case the horse din't answer ; and he never did a day's work, good or bad, please your honour, all the time he was with me, and I had the doctor to him five times any how. And so, please your honour, it is what I expect your honour will stand my friend, for I'd sooner come to your honour for justice than to any other in all Ireland. And so I brought him here before your honour, and expect your honour will make him pay me the grazing, or tell me, can I process him for it at the next assizes, please your honour ? " The defendant now turning a quid of tobacco with his tongue into some secret cavern in his mouth, begins his defence with — " Please your honour, under favour, and saving your honour's presence, there's not a word of truth in all this man has been saying from beginning to end, upon my conscience, and I wouldn't, for the value of the horse itself, grazing and all, be after GLOSSARY 113 telling your honour a lie. For, please your honour, I have a dependance upon your honour that you'll do me justice, and not be listening to him or the like of him. Please your honour, it's what he has brought me before your honour, because he had a spite against me about some oats I sold your honour, which he was jealous of, and a shawl his wife got at my shister's shop there without, and never paid for ; so I offered to set the shawl against the grazing, and give him a receipt in full of all demands, but he wouldn't out of spite, please your honour ; so he brought me before your honour, expecting your honour was mad with me for cutting down the tree in the horse park, which was none of my doing, please your honour — ill luck to them that went and belied me to your honour behind my back ! So if your honour is pleasing, I'll tell you the whole truth about the horse that he swopped against my mare out of the face. Last Shrove fair I met this man, Jemmy Duffy, please your 'honour, just at the corner of the road, where the bridge is broken down, that your honour is to have the presentment for this year — long life to you for it ! And he was at that time coming from the fair of Gurtishannon, and I the same way. ' How are you, Jemmy?' says I. ' Very well, I thank ye, kindly, Bryan,' says he ; ' shall we turn back to Paddy Salmon's and take a naggin of whiskey to our better acquaintance ? ' ' I don't care if I did, Jemmy/ says I ; ' only it is what I can't take the whiskey, because I'm under an oath against it for a month/ Ever since, please your honour, the day your honour 114 GLOSSARY. met me on the road, and observed to me I could hardly stand, I had taken so much ; though upon my conscience your honour wronged me greatly that same time — ill luck to them that belied me behind my back to your honour ! Well, please your honour, as I was telling you, as he was taking the whiskey, and we talking of one thing or t'other, he makes me an offer to swop his mare that he couldn't sell at the fair of Gurtishannon, because nobody would be troubled with the beast, please your honour, against my horse, and to oblige him I took the mare — sorrow take her ! and him along with her ! She kicked me a new car, that was worth three pounds ten, to tatters the first time I ever put her into it, and I expect your honour will make him pay me the price of the car, any how, before I pay the grazing, which I've no right to pay at-all-at-all, only to oblige him. But I leave it all to your honour ; and the whole grazing he ought to be charging for the beast is but two and eightpence halfpenny, any how, please your honour. So I'll abide by what your honour says, good or bad. I'll leave it all to your honour." I'll leave it all to your honour — literally means, I'll leare all the trouble to your honour. The Editor knew a justice of the peace in Ireland, who had such a dread of having it all left to his honour, that he frequently gave the complainants the sum about which they were disputing, to make peace between them, and to get rid of the trouble of hearing their stories out of the face. But he was soon cured of this method of buying off disputes, by the increas- GLOSSARY. ] ] 5 ing multitude of those who, out of pure regard to his honour, came " to get justice from him, because they would sooner come before him than before any man in all Ireland." Page 50. A raking pot of tea. — We should observe, this custom has long since been banished from the higher orders of Irish gentry. The mysteries of a raking pot of tea, like those of the Bona Dea, are supposed to be sacred to females ; but now and then it has happened, that some of the male species, who were either more audacious or more highly favoured than the rest of their sex, have been admitted by stealth to these orgies. The time when the festive ceremony begins varies according to circumstances, but it is never earlier than twelve o'clock at night ; the joys of a raking pot of tea depending on its being made in secret, and at an unseasonable hour. After a ball, when the more discreet part of the company has departed to rest, a few chosen female spirits, who have footed it till they can foot it no longer, and till the sleepy notes expire under the slurring hand of the musician, retire to abedchamber, call the favourite maid, who alone is admitted, bid her put down the kettle, lock the door, and amidst as much giggling and scrambling as possible, they get round a tea-table, on which all manner of things are huddled together. Then begin mutual railleries and mutual confidences amongst the young ladies, and the faint scream and the loud laugh is heard, and the romping for letters and pocket-books begins, and gentlemen are called i 2 116 GLOSSARY. by their surnames, or by the general name of fellows ! pleasant fellows ! charming fellows ! odious fellows ! abominable fellows ! and then all prudish decorums are forgotten, and then we might be convinced how much the satirical poet was mistaken when he said, " There is no woman where there's no reserve." The merit of the original idea of a raking pot of tea evidently belongs to the "washerwoman and the laundry-maid. But why should not we have Low life above stairs as well as High life belorv stairs ? Page 52. We gained the day by this piece of' honesty. — In a dispute which occurred some years ago in Ireland, between Mr. E. and Mr. A!., about the boundaries of a farm, an old tenant of Mr. M.'s cut a sod from Mr. M.'s land, and inserted it in a spot prepared for its reception in Mr. E.'s land ; so nicely was it inserted, that no eye could detect the junction of the grass. The old man, who was to give his evidence as to the property, stood upon the inserted sod when the viewers came, and swore that the ground he then stood upon belonged to his landlord, Mr. M. The Editor had flattered himself that the inge- nious contrivance which Thady records, and the similar subterfuge of this old Irishman, in the dis- pute concerning boundaries, were instances of 'cute- ness unparalleled in all but Irish story : an English friend, however, has just mortified the Editor's na- tional vanity by an account of the following custom, which prevails in part of Shropshire. It is discre- GLOSSARY. 117 ditable for women to appear abroad after the birth of their children till they have been churched. To avoid this reproach, and at the same time to enjoy the pleasure of gadding, whenever a Mroman goes abroad before she has been to church, she takes a tile from the roof of her house, and puts it upon her head: wearing this panoply all the time she pays her visits, her conscience is perfectly at ease ; for she can afterwards safely declare to the clergyman, that she " has never been from under her own roof till she came to be churched." Page 55. Carton, or half carton. — Thady means cartron, or half cartron. " According to the old record in the black book of Dublin, a cantred is said to contain 30 villatas terras, which are also called quarters of land (quarterons, cartrons) ; every one of which quarters must contain so much ground as will pasture 400 cows, and 1 7 plough-lands. A knight's fee was composed of 8 hydes, which amount to 160 acres, and that is generally deemed about a plough- land." The Editor was favoured by a learned friend with the above extract, from a MS. of lord Totness's in the Lambeth library. Page 78. Wake. — A wake in England means a festival held upon the anniversary of the saint of the parish. At these wakes, rustic games, rustic con- viviality, and rustic courtship, are pursued with all the ardour and all the appetite which accompany such 118 GLOSSARY. pleasures as occur but seldom. In Ireland a wake is a midnight meeting, held professedly for the indul- gence of holy sorrow, but usually it is converted into orgies of unholy joy. When an Irish man or woman of the lower order dies, the straw which composed the bed, whether it has been contained in a bag to form a mattress, or simply spread upon the earthen floor, is immediately taken out of the house, and burned before the cabin door, the family at the same time setting up the death howl. The ears and eyes of the neighbours being thus alarmed, they flock to the house of the deceased, and by their vociferous sympathy excite and at the same time soothe the sorrows of the family. It is curious to observe how good and bad are mingled in human institutions. In countries which were thinly inhabited, this custom prevented private attempts against the lives of individuals, and formed a kind of coroner's inquest upon the body which had recently expired, and burning the straw upon which the sick man lay became a simple preservative against infection. At night the dead body is waked, that is to say, all the friends and neighbours of the deceased collect in a barn or stable, \vhere the corpse is laid upon some boards, or an unhinged door, supported upon stools, the face exposed, the rest of the body covered with a white sheet. Round the body are stuck in brass candlesticks, which have been borrowed perhaps at five miles' distance, as many candles as the poor person can beg or borrow, observing always to have an odd number. Pipes and tobacco are first GLOSSARY. 119 distributed, and then, according to the ability of the deceased, cakes and ale, and sometimes whiskey, are dealt to the company : " Deal on, deal on, my merry men all, Deal on your cakes and your wine, For whatever is dealt at her funeral to-day Shall be dealt to-morrow at mine." After a fit of universal sorrow, and the comfort of a universal dram, the scandal of the neighbourhood, as in higher circles, occupies the company. The young lads and lasses romp with one another, and when the father and mothers are at last overcome with sleep and whiskey (vino el somno), the youth become more enterprising, and are frequently successful. It is said, that more matches are made at wakes than at weddings. Page 81. Kilt. — This word frequently occurs in the preceding pages, where it means not killed, but much hurt. In Ireland, not only cowards, but the brave " die many times before their death." — There kitting is no murder. ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. Summos posse viros, et magna exempla daturos, Vervecutn in patria, crassoque sub ae're nasci. JUVENAL. IRISH BULLS. INTRODUCTION. WHAT mortal, what fashionable mortal, is there who has not, in the midst of a formidable circle, been reduced to the embarrassment of having nothing to say ? Who is there that has not felt those oppressive fits of silence which ensue after the weather, and the fashions, and the politics, and the scandal, and all the common- place topics of the day have been utterly ex- hausted ? Who is there that, at such a time, has not tried in vain to call up an idea, and found that none would come when they did call, or that all that came were impertinent, and must be rejected, some as too grave, others too gay, some too vulgar, some too refined for the hearers, some relating to persons, others to circumstances that must not be mentioned ? Not one will do ! and all this time the silence lasts, and the diffi- culty of breaking it increases every instant in an incalculable proportion. 124 INTRODUCTION. Let it be some comfort to those whose polite sensibility has laboured under such distress to be assured, that they need never henceforward fear to be reduced to similar dilemmas. They may be insured for ever against such dangers at the slight premium and upon the easy condition of perusing the following little volume. It will satisfy them that there is a subject which still affords inexhausted and inexhaustible sources of conversation, suited to all tastes, all ranks, all individuals, democratic, aristocratic, commercial, or philosophic ; suited to every company which can be combined, purposely or fortuitously, in this great metropolis, or in any of the most remote parts of England, Wales, or Scotland. There is a subject which dilates the heart of every true Briton, which relaxes his muscles, however rigid, to a smile, — which opens his lips, however closed, to conversation. There is a subject " which frets another's spleen to cure our own," and which makes even the angelic part of the creation laugh themselves mortal. For who can forbear to laugh at the bare idea of an Irish bull ? Nor let any one apprehend that this subject can ever become trite and vulgar. Custom cannot stale its infinite variety. It is in the main obvious, and palpable enough for every common understanding ; yet it leads to disqui- INTRODUCTION. 125 sitions of exquisite subtlety, it branches into innumerable ramifications, and involves conse- quences of surprising importance ; it may exer- cise the ingenuity of the subtlest wit, the fancy of the oddest humorist, the imagination of the finest poet, and the judgment of the most pro- found metaphysician. Moreover, this happy subject is enveloped in all that doubt and con- fusion which are so favourable to the reputation of disputants, and which secures the glorious possibility of talking incessantly, without being stopped short by a definition or a demonstration. For much as we have all heard and talked of Irish bulls, it has never yet been decided what it is that constitutes a bull. Incongruity of ideas, says one. But this supposition touches too closely upon the definition of wit, which, accord- ing to the best authorities, Locke, Burke, and Stewart, consists in an unexpected assemblage of ideas, apparently discordant, but in which some point of resemblance or aptitude is suddenly discovered. Then, perhaps, says another, the essence of a bull lies in confusion of ideas. This sounds plausible in theory, but it will not apply in practice; for confusion of ideas is common to both countries : for instance, was there not some slight confusion of ideas in the mind of that English student, who, when he was asked what 126 INTRODUCTION. progress he had made in the study of medicine, replied, " I hope I shall soon be qualified to be a physician, for I think I am now able to cure a child?" To amend our bill, suppose we insert the word laughable, and say that a laughable confusion of ideas constitutes a bull. But have we not a laughable confusion of ideas in our English poet Blackmore's famous lines in Prince Arthur ? — " A painted vest prince Vortigern had on, Which from a naked Pict his grandsire won." We are sensible that, to many people, the most vulgar Irish bull would appear more laugh- able merely from its being Irish, — therefore we cannot make the propensity to laughter in one man the criterion of what is ridiculous in another ; though we have a precedent for this mode of judging in the laws of England, which are allowed to be the perfection of human reason. If a man swear that his neighbour has put him in bodily fear, he may have the cause of his terror sent to gaol ; thus the feelings of the plaintiff become the measure of the defendant's guilt. ' As we cannot extend this convenient principle to all matters of taste, and all subjects of risibility, we are still compelled to acknowledge that no accurate definition of a bull has yet been INTRODUCTION. 127 given. The essence of an Irish bull must be of the most ethereal nature, for notwithstanding the most indefatigable research, it has hitherto escaped from analysis. The crucible always breaks in the long-expected moment of pro- jection : we have nevertheless the courage to recommence the process in a new mode. Perhaps by ascertaining what it is not, we may at last discover what it is : we must distinguish the genuine from the spurious, the original from all imitations, the indigenous from the exotic ; in short, it must be determined in what an Irish bull essentially differs from a blunder, or in what Irish blunders specifically differ from English blunders, and from those of all other nations. To elucidate these points, or to prove to the satisfaction of all competent judges that they are beyond the reach of the human understanding, is the object of the following Essay concerning the Nature of Bulls and Blunders. CHAPTER I. ORIGINALITY OF IRISH BULLS EXAMINED. THE difficulty of selecting from the vulgar herd of Irish bulls one that shall be entitled to the prize, from the united merits of pre-eminent absurdity, and indisputable originality, is greater than hasty judges may imagine. Many bulls, reputed to be bred and born in Ireland, are of foreign extraction ; and many more, supposed to be unrivalled in their kind, may be matched in all their capital points: for instance, there is not a more celebrated bull than Paddy Blake's. When Paddy heard an English gentleman speaking of the fine echo at the lake of Killarney, which repeats the sound forty times, he very promptly observed, " Faith, that's nothing at all to the echo in my father's garden, in the county of Galway : if you say to it, ' How do you do, Paddy Blake ? ' it will answer, ' Pretty well, I thank you, sir.'" Now this echo of Paddy Blake's, which has long been the admiration of the world, is not a prodigy unique in its kind ; it can be matched by one recorded in the immortal works of the great lord Verulam.* " I remember well," says this father of philosophy, * Natural History, century in. p. 191. — Bacon produces it to show that echoes will not readily return the letter S. K 1 130 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. " that when I went to the echo at Port Charenton, there was an old Parisian that took it to be the work of spirits, and of good spirits, ' for/ said he, ' call Satan, and the echo will not deliver back the devil's name, but will say, ' Va t'en.' " The Parisian echo is surely superior to the Hiber- nian ! Paddy Blake's simply understood and prac- tised the common rules of good breeding ; but the Port Charenton echo is " instinct with spirit," and endowed with a nice moral sense. Amongst the famous bulls recorded by the illus- trious Joe Miller, there is one which has been con- tinually quoted as an example of original Irish genius. An English gentleman was writing a letter in a coffee-house, and perceiving that an Irishman sta- tioned behind him was taking that liberty which Hephsestion used with his friend Alexander, instead of putting his seal upon the lips of the curious imper- tinent, the English gentleman thought proper to reprove the Hibernian, if not with delicacy, at least with poetical justice : he concluded writing his letter in these words : " I would say more, but a damned tall Irishman is reading over my shoulder every word I write." " You lie, you scoundrel ! " said the self-convicted Hibernian. This blunder is unquestionably excellent ; but it is not originally Irish : it comes, with other riches, from the East, as the reader may find by looking into a book by M. Galland, entitled, " The Remarkable Sayings of the Eastern Nations." ESSAY ON IHISH BULLS. 131 " A learned man was writing to a friend ; a trou- blesome fellow was beside him, who was looking over his shoulder at what he was writing. The learned man, who perceived this, continued writing in these words, ' If an impertinent chap, who stands beside me, were not looking at what I write, I would'write many other things to you, which should be known only to you and to me.' " The troublesome fellow, who was reading on, now thought it incumbent upon him to speak, and said, ' I swear to you, that I have not read or looked at what you are writing. " The learned man replied, 'Blockhead, as you are, why then do you say to me what you are now saying ? '" * Making allowance for the difference of manners in eastern and northern nations, there is, certainly, such a similarity between this oriental anecdote and Joe Miller's story, that we may conclude the * " Un savant ecrivoit a un ami, et un importun etoit a cote de lui, qui regardoit par dessus 1'epaule ce qu'il ecrivoit. Le savant, qui s'en apperfut, ecrivit ceci a la place : si un imperti- nent qui est a mon cote Tie regardoit pas ce que j'ecris, je vous ecrirois encore plusieurs choses qui ne doivent £tre sues que de vous et de moi. L'importun, qui lisoit toujours, prit la parole et dit : ' Je vous jure que je n'ai regarde ni lu ce que vous ecriviez.' Le savant repartit, ' Ignorant, que vous etes, pourquoi me dites-vous done ce que vous dites ? ' " Les Paroles ftemar- quables des Orientaux ; traduction de leurs outrages en Arabe, en Person, et en Turc (sitieant la copie imprimee a Paris), a la Haye, chez Louis et Henry Vandole, march'inds libraires, dans le Poolen, a I'enseigne du Port Rogal, M.DC.XCIV. K2 132 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. latter is stolen from the former. Now, an Irish bull must be a species of blunder peculiar to Ireland ; those that we have hitherto examined,, though they may be called Irish bulls by the ignorant vulgar, have no right, title, or claim to such a distinction. We should invariably exclude from that class all blunders which can be found in another country. For instance, a speech of the celebrated Irish beauty, lady C , has been called a bull ; but as a parallel can be produced in the speech of an English noble- man, it tells for nothing. When her ladyship was presented at court, his majesty, George the Second, politely hoped, " that, since her arrival in Eng- land, she had been entertained with the gaieties of London." " O yes, please your majesty, I have seen every sight in London worth seeing, except a coronation." This naivete is certainly not equal to that of the English earl marshal, who, when his king found fault with some arrangement at his coronation, said, " Please your majesty, I hope it will be better next time." A naivete of the same species entailed a heavy tax upon the inhabitants of Beaune, in France. Beaune is famous for burgundy ; and Henry the Fourth, passing through his kingdom, stopped there, and was well entertained by his loyal subjects. His Majesty praised the burgundy which they set before him — " It was excellent ! it was admirable ! " " O, sire !" cried they, " do you think this excel- lent ? we have muchjiner burgundy than this." ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 133 " Have you so ? then you can afford to pay for it," replied Harry the Fourth ; and he laid a double tax thenceforward upon the burgundy of Beaune. Of the same class of blunders is the following speech, which we actually heard not long ago from an Irishman : — " Please your worship, he sent me to the devil, and I came straight to your honour." We thought this an original Irish blunder, till we recollected its prototype in Marmontel's Annette and Lubin. Lubin concludes his harangue with, " The bailiff sent us to the devil, and we come to put our- selves under your protection, my lord."* The French at least in former times, were cele- brated for politeness ; yet we meet with a naive compliment of a Frenchman, which would have been accounted a bull if it had been found in Ireland. A gentleman was complimenting madame Denis on the manner in which she had just acted Zara. " To act that part," said she, " a person should be young and handsome." " Ah, madam ! " replied the complimenter na'ivement, " you are a complete proof of the contrary." t • " Le bailli nous donne au diable, et nous nous recommandons a vous, monseigneur." f On faisoit compliment a madame Denis de la fa^on dont elle venoit de jouer Zaire. " II faudroit," dit elle, " etre belle et jeune." " Ah, madame !" ruprit le complimenteur naivement, " vous £tes bien la preuve du contraire." 134 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. We know not any original Irish blunder superior to this, unless it be that which lord Orford pro- nounced to be the best bull that he ever heard. " I hate that woman," said a gentleman, looking at one who had been his nurse; " I hate that woman, for she changed me at nurse." Lord Orford particularly admires this bull, because in the confusion of the blunderer's ideas he is not clear even of his personal identity. Philosophers will not perhaps be so ready as his lordship has been to call this a blunder of the first magnitude. Those \vho have never been initiated into the mysteries of metaphysics may have the presumptuous ignorance to fancy that they understand what is meant by the common words /, or me ; but the able metaphysician knows better than lord Orford's changeling how to prove, to our satisfaction, that we know nothing of the matter. " Personal identity," says Locke, " consists not in the identity of substance, but in the identity of con- sciousness, wherein Socrates and the present mayor of Quinborough agree they are the same person : if the same Socrates, sleeping and waking, do not par- take of the same consciousness, Socrates waking and sleeping is not the same person; and to punish Socrates waking for what sleeping Socrates thought, and waking Socrates was never conscious of, would be no more of right than to punish one twin for what his brother twin did, whereof he knew nothing, because their outsides are so like that they could ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 135 not be distinguished ; for such twins have been seen." * We may presume that our Hibernian's conscious- ness could not retrograde to the time when he was changed at nurse ; consequently there was no con- tinuity of identity between the infant and the man who expressed his hatred of the nurse for perpetrat- ing the fraud. At all events, the confusion of iden- tity which excited lord Orford's admiration in our Hibernian is by no means unprecedented in France, England, or ancient Greece, and consequently it cannot be an instance of national idiosyncracy, or an Irish bull. We find a similar blunder in Spain, in the time of Cervantes : — " Pray tell me, squire," says the duchess, in Don Quixote, " is not your master the person whose history is printed under the name of the sage Hidalgo Don Quixote de la Mancha, who professes himself the admirer of one Dulcinea del Toboso ? " " The very same, my lady," answered Sancho; " and I myself am that very squire of his, who is mentioned, or ought to be mentioned, in that history, unless they have changed me in the cradle" In Moliere's Amphitrion there is a dialogue between Mercure and Sosie evidently taken from the Attic Lucian. Sosie being completely puzzled out of his personal identity, if not out of his senses, says lite- rally, " of my being myself I begin to doubt in good • Locke's Essay concerning the Human Understanding, fif- teenth edit. vol. i. p. 292. 136 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. earnest ; yet when I feel myself, and when I recollect myself, it seems to me that / am I." * We see that the puzzle about identity proves at last to be of Grecian origin. It is really edifying to observe how those things which have long been objects of popular admiration shrink and fade when exposed to the light of strict examination. An ex- perienced critic proposed that a work should be written to inquire into the pretensions of modern writers to original invention, to trace their thefts, and to restore the property to the ancient owners. Such a work would require powers and erudition beyond what can be expected from any ordinary individual ; the labour must be shared amongst numbers, and we are proud to assist in ascertaining the rightful property even of bulls and blunders; though without pretending, like some literary blood- hounds, to follow up a plagiarism, where common sagacity is at a fault. * " De moi je commence a douter tout de bon. Pourtant quand je me tate, et quand je me rapelle, II me semble que je suis moi." CHAPTER II. IRISH NEWSPAPERS. WE presume that we have successfully disputed the claims imposed upon the public, in behalf of certain spurious alien blunders, pretending to be native, original Irish bulls ; and we shall now with pleasure proceed to examine those which have better titles to notice. Even nonsense ceases to be wor- thy of attention and public favour, unless it be original. " Dear lady Emily," says Miss Allscrip, in the excellent comedy of the Heiress — " Dear lady Emily, don't you dote upon folly ? " " To ecstacy ! " replies her ladyship ; " I only despair of seeing it well kept up." We flatter ourselves, " there is no great danger of that," for we have the Irish newspapers before us, where, no doubt, we shall find a fresh harvest of in- digenous absurdity ripe for the sickle. The first advertisement that meets our eye is pro- mising. It is the late proclamation of an Irish mayor, in which we are informed, that certain business is to be transacted in that city " every Monday (Easter Sunday only excepted)." This seems rather an un- necessary exception ; but it is not an inadvertency, 138 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. caused by any hurry of business in his worship ; it is deliberately copied from a precedent, set in England, by a baronet formerly well known in par- liament, who, in the preamble to a bill, proposed that certain regulations should take place " on every Monday (Tuesday excepted)." We fear, also, that an English mayor has been known to blunder. Some years ago the mayor of a capital English city pub- lished a proclamation and advertisement, previous to the races, " that no gentleman will be allowed to ride on the course, but the horses that are to run." A mayor's blundering proclamation is not, however, worth half so much in the eye of ridicule as a lord lieutenant's. " A saint in crape is twice a saint in lawn." A bull on the throne is worth twice as much as a bull in the chair. " By the lord lieutenant and council of Ireland. " A proclamation. * * * * ) " Whereas the greatest economy is necessary in the consumption of all species of grain, and, espe- cially in the consumption of potatoes, fyc. " Given at the council chamber in Dublin." This is the first time we have been informed, by authority, that potatoes are a species of grain ; but we must accede to this new botanical arrangement, when published under such splendid auspices. The assertion certainly is not made in distinct terms : ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 139 but all who understand the construction of language must imply the conclusion that we draw from these premises. A general position is in the first member of the sentence laid down, " thai the greatest economy is necessary in the consumption of all species of grain" A particular exemplification of the principle is made in the next clause, " especially in the consumption of potatoes" The inference is as plain as can be made. The next article in our newspaper is an advertise- ment of lands to be let to an improving tenant : — " A few miles from Cork, in a most sporting country, bounded by an uncommon Jine turf bog, on the verge of which there are a number of fine lime kilns, where that manure may be had on very moderate terms, the distance for carriage not being many hundred yards. The whole lands being now in great heart, and completely laid down, entirely surrounded and divided by impenetrable furze ditches, made of quarried stone laid edgeways" It \rill be a matter of difficulty to the untravelled English reader to comprehend how furze ditches can be made of quarried stones laid edgeways, or any way; and we fear that we should only puzzle his intellects still more if we should attempt to explain to him the mysteries of Irish ditching in the tech- nical terms of the country. With the face of a ditch he may be acquainted, but to the back and gripe, and bottom of the gripe, and top of the back of a ditch, we fear he is still to be introduced. We can never sufficiently admire these furze 140 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. ditches made of quarried stones ; they can, indeed, be found only in Ireland ; but we have heard in England of things almost as extraordinary. Dr. Grey, in his erudite and entertaining notes on Hudibras, records the deposition of a lawyer, who, in an action of battery, told the judge " that the defendant beat his client with a certain wooden in- strument called an iron pestle" Nay, to go further still, a wise annotator on the Pentateuch, named Peter Harrison, observed of Moses's two tables of stone, that they were made of shiltim-ivood. The gtone furze ditches are scarcely bolder instances of the catachresis than the stone tables of shittim-wood. This bold figure of rhetoric in an Irish advertise- ment of an estate may lead us to expect that Hiber- nian advertisers may, in time, emulate the fame of Christie, the prince of auctioneers, whose fine de- scriptive powers can make more of an estate on paper than ever was made of it in any other shape, except in the form of an ejectment. The fictions of law, indeed, surpass even the auctioneer's imagina- tion ; and a man may be said never to know the extent of his own possessions until he is served with a process of ejectment. He then finds himself required to give up the possession of a multitude of barns, orchards, fish-ponds, horse-ponds, dwelling-houses, pigeon- houses, dove-cotes, out-houses, and appurtenances, which he never saw or heard of, and which are nowhere to be found upon the surface of the habit- able globe ; so that Are cannot really express this English legal transaction without being guilty of an ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 141 Irish bull, and saying that the person ejected is ousted from places which he never entered. To proceed with our newspapers. — The next ad- vertisement is from a schoolmaster : but we shall not descant upon its grammatical errors, because they are not blunders peculiar to Irish schoolmasters. We have frequently observed that the advertisements of schoolmasters, even in England, are seldom free from solecisms : too much care in writing, it seems, is almost as bad as too little. In the preface of the dictionary of the French Academy, there are, as it is computed by an able French critic, no less than sixteen faults ; and in Harris, the celebrated gram- marian's dedication of his Hermes, there is one bull, and almost as many faults as lines. It appears as if the most precise and learned writers sometimes, like the ladies in one of Congreve's plays, " run into the danger to avoid the apprehension." After a careful scrutiny of the Hibernian adver- tisements, we are compelled to confess that we have not met with any blunders that more nearly resemble our notion of an Irish bull than one which, some years ago, appeared in our English papers. It was the title to an advertisement of a washing machine, in these words : " Every Man his own Washer- woman ! " We have this day, Nov. 19, 1807^ seen the following : " This day were published, Memoirs of the Life of Mrs. Elizabeth Carter, with a new edition of her Poems, some of which have never before appeared." And an eye-witness assures us, that lately he saw an advertisement in the following 142 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. terms stuck up on the walls of an English coffee- house : " This coffee-house removed up-stairs ! " A Roman emperor used to draw his stairs up after him every night into his bedchamber, and we have heard of throwing a house out of the windows ; but drawing a whole house up into itself is new. How can we account for such a blunder, in an ad- vertisement on the wall of an English coffee-house, except by supposing that it was penned by an Irish waiter ? If that were the case, it would be an admirable example of an Irish bull ! and therefore we had best take it for granted. Let not any conscientious person be startled at the mode of reasoning by which we have convicted an imaginary Irish waiter of a real bull : it is at least as good, if not better logic, than that which was successfully employed in the time of the popish plot, to convict an Irish physician of forgery. The matter is thus recorded by L'Estrange. The Irish physi- cian " was charged with writing a treasonable libel, but denied the thing, and appealed to the unlikeness of the characters. It was agreed that there was no resemblance at all in the hands ; but asserted that the doctor had two hands ; his physic hand and his plot hand, and the one not a jot like the other. Now this was the doctor's plot hand, and it was in- sisted that, because it was not like one of his hands, it must be like the other." By this convenient mode of reasoning, an Irish- man may, at any time, be convicted of any crime, or of any absurdity. ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 143 But what have we next in our newspaper? — " Murder, Robbery, and Reward." This seems a strange connexion of things, according to our vulgar notions of distributive justice ; but we are told that the wicked shall have their reward even in this world ; and we suppose it is upon this principle, that over the stocks in a town in Ireland there appears this inscription : " A reward for vagabonds." Upon proceeding further in our advertisement, which begins with " Murder, Robbery, and Reward," we find, however, that contrary to the just expecta- tions raised by the title, the reward is promised, not to the robbers and murderers, but to those who shall discover and prosecute them to conviction. Here we were led into error by that hasty mode of elision which sometimes obtains in the titles even of our English law processes ; as sci-fa, fi-fa, qui-tam, &c. ; names which, to preserve the glorious uncertainty of the law, never refer to the sense, but to the first words of the writs. In our newspaper, a formidable list of unanimous resolutions of various committees and corps succeeds to the advertisement of murder, robbery, and re- ward ; and we have, at the close of each day's business, thanksgivings, in various formulas, for the very proper, upright, or spirited behaviour of our worthy, gallant, or respected chairman. Now that a man may behave properly, or sit uprightly in a chair, we can readily comprehend ; but what are we to understand by a spirited behaviour in a chair ? 144 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. Perhaps it alludes to the famous duel fought by a gouty Irish gentleman in his arm chair. As the gallant chairman actually in that position shot his adversary, it behoves us to understand the meaning of spirited behaviour in the chair. We may, however, venture to hint, fas est et ab hoste doceri, that in the publication of corps and committees, this formula should be omitted — "Re- solved unanimously (with only one dissentient voice)." Here the obloquy, meant to rest on the one dissen- tient voice, unfortunately falls upon the publishers of the disgrace, exposing them to the ridicule of resolving an Irish bull. If this be a bull, how- ever, we are concerned to find it is matched by that of the government of Munich, who published a catalogue of forbidden books, and afterwards, under heavy penalties, forbade the reading of the cata- logue. But this might be done in the hurry occa- sioned by the just dread of revolutionary principles. What shall we say for the blunder of a French academician, in a time of profound peace, who gave it as his opinion, that nothing should be read in the public sittings of the academy " par dela ce qui est impose par les statuts : il motivait son avis en disant — En fait d'inutilites il ne faut que le necessaire" If this speech had been made by a member of the Royal Irish Academy, it would have had the honour to be noticed all over England as a bull. The honour to be noticed, we say, in imitation of the exquisitely polite expression of a correspondent of the English ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 145 Royal Society, who talks of " the earthquake that had the honour to be noticed by the Royal Society." It will, we fear, be long before the Irish emerge so far from barbarism as to write in this style. The Irish are, however, we are happy to observe, making some little approaches to a refined and courtly style ; kings, and in imitation of them, great men, and all who think themselves great — a numerous class — speak and write as much as possible in the plural number instead of the singular. Instead of /, they always say we; instead of my, our, according to the Italian idiom, which flatters this humour so far as to make it a point of indispensable politeness. It is, doubtless, in humble imitation of such illustrious examples, that an Irishman of the lowest class, when he means to express that he is a member of a com- mittee, says, / am a committee; thus consolidating the power, wisdom, and virtue of a whole committee in his own person. Superior even to the Indian, who believes that he shall inherit the powers and virtues of his enemies after he has destroyed them ; * this committee-man takes possession of the faculties of his living friends and associates. When some of the united men, as they called themselves, were exa- mined, they frequently answered to the questions, who, or what are you ? I am a com'mittee. "So Indian murd'rers hope te gain The powers and virtues of the slain, Of wretches they destroy." 146 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. However extraordinary it may at first sound, to hear one man assert that he is a whole committee, it is not more wonderful than that the whole par- liament of Bordeaux should be found in a one-horse chair.* We forbear to descant further upon Irish com- mittee-men, lest we should call to mind, merely by the similarity of name, the times when England had her committee-men, who were not perfectly free from all tinge of absurdity. It is remarkable, that in times of popular ferment, a variety of new terms are coined to serve purposes and passions of the moment. In the days of the English committee- men this practice had risen to such a height, that it M^as fair game for ridicule. Accordingly, sir John Birkenhead, about that time, found it necessary to publish " The Children's Dictionary ; an exact Col- lection of all New Words born since Nov. 3, 1 640, in Speeches, Prayers, and Sermons, as well those that signify something as nothing." We observe that it has been likewise found necessary to publish, in France, une Dictionnaire neologique, a dictionary of the new terms adopted since the revolution. It must be supposed, that during the late dis- turbances in Ireland, many cant terms have been brought into use, which are not yet to be reckoned amongst the acknowledged terms of the country. However absurd these may be, they are not for our purpose proper subjects of animadversion. Some * Vide Memoires du Cardinal de Retz. ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 147 countries have their birds of passage, and some their follies of passage, which it is scarcely worth while to shoot as they fly. It has been often said, that the language of a people is a just criterion of their pro- gress in civilization ; but we must not take a speci- men of their vocabulary during the immediate pre- valence of any transient passion or prejudice. It is to be hoped, that all party barbarisms in language will now be disused and forgotten ; for some time has elapsed since we read the following article of country intelligence in a Dublin paper: — " General scoured the country yesterday, but had not the good fortune to meet with a single rebel." The author of this paragraph seems to have been a keen sportsman ; he regrets the not meeting with a single rebel, as he would the not meeting with a single hare or partridge; and he justly considers the human biped as fair game, to be hunted down by all who are properly qualified and licensed by government. To the English, perhaps, it may seem a strange subject of lamentation, that a general could not meet with a single rebel in the county of Wicklow, when they have so lately been informed, from the high authority of a noble lord, that Ireland was so disturbed, that whenever he went out, he called as regularly for his pistols as for his hat and gloves. Possibly, however, this was only a figure of speech, like that of bishop Wilkins, who prophesied that the time would come when gentlemen, when they were to go a journey, would call for their wings L2 148 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. as regularly as they call for their boots — We be- lieve that the hyperboles of the privy-counsellor and the bishop are of equal magnitude. CHAPTER III. THE CRIMINAL LAW OP BULLS AND BLUNDERS. MADAME de Sevigne observes, that there are few people sufficiently candid, or sufficiently enlightened, to distinguish, in their judgments of others, be- tween those faults and mistakes which proceed from manque d'esprit, and those which arise merely from manque d'usage. We cannot appreciate the talents or character of foreigners, without making allow- ance for their ignorance of our manners, of the idiom of our language, and the multifarious signifi- cations of some of our words. A French gentleman, who dined in London, in company with the cele- brated author of the Rambler, wishing to show him a mark of peculiar respect, drank Dr. Johnson's health in these words : " Your health, Mr. Vaga- bond." Assuredly no well-judging Englishman would undervalue the Frenchman's abilities, be- cause he mistook the meaning of the words Vaga- bond and Rambler ; he would recollect, that in old English and modern French authors, vagabond ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 149 means wanderer : des eaux vagabondes is a phrase far from inelegant. But independently of this con- sideration, no well-bred gentleman would put a foreigner out of countenance by openly laughing at such a mistake : he would imitate the politeness of the Frenchman, who, when Dr. Moore said, " I am afraid the expression I have just used is not French," replied, "Non, monsieur — mais il merite bien de 1'etre." It would, indeed, be a great stretch of politeness to extend this to our Irish neighbours: for no Irishism can ever deserve to be Anglicised, though so many Gallicisms have of late not only been naturalized in England, but even adopted by the most fashionable speakers and writers. The mistaking a feminine for a masculine noun, or a masculine for a feminine, must, in all probability, have happened to every Englishman that ever opened his lips in Paris ; yet without losing his re- putation for common sense. But when a poor Irish haymaker, who had but just learned a few phrases of the English language by rote, mistook a feminine for a masculine noun, and began his speech in a court of justice with these words : " My lord, I am a poor widow," instead of, "My lord, I am a poor widower ;" it was sufficient to throw a grave judge and jury into convulsions of laughter. It was for- merly, in law, no murder to kill a merus Hibernians ; and it is to this day no offence against good manners to laugh at any of this species. It is of a thousand times more consequence to have the laugh than the argument on our side, as all those know full well 150 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. who have any experience in the management of the great or little vulgar. By the common custom and courtesy of England we have the laugh on our side : let us keep it by all means. All means are justi- fiable to obtain a great end, as all great men main- tain in practice, if not in theory. We need not, in imitating them, have any scruples of conscience ; we need not apprehend, that to ridicule our Hiber- nian neighbours unmercifully is unfriendly or unge- nerous. Nations, it has been well observed, are never generous in their conduct towards each other. We must follow the common custom of nations where we have no law to guide our proceedings. We must therefore carefully continue the laudable practice of ridiculing the blunders, whether real or imaginary, of Irishmen. In conversation, Englishmen are per- mitted sometimes to blunder, but without ever being called blunderers. It would, indeed, be an intoler- able restraint upon social intercourse, if every man were subject to be taxed for each inaccuracy of lan- guage— if he were compelled to talk, upon all occa- sions, as if he were amenable to a star-chamber of criticism, and surrounded by informers. Much must be allowed in England for the licence of conversation ; but by no means must this conver- sation-licence be extended to the Irish. If, for instance, at the convivial hour of dinner, when men are not usually intent upon grammatical or mathe- matical niceties, an Irish gentleman desires him " who rules his roast," to cut the sirloin of beef horizontally downwards, let the mistake immediately ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 151 be set down in our note-books, and conned over, and got' by heart ; and let it be repeated to all eternity as a bull. But if an English lady observe, when the candles have long stood unsnuffed, that " those odious long wicks will soon grow up to the ceiling," she can be accused only of an error of vision. We conjure our readers to attend to these distinctions in their intercourse with their Hibernian neighbours : it must be done habitually and technically ; and we must not listen to what is called reason ; we must not enter into any argument, pro or con, but silence every Irish opponent, if we can, with a laugh. The abbe Girard, in his accurate work, " Syno- nymes Fra^ois," makes a plausible distinction between une dne et un ignorant; he says, " On est ane par disposition: on est ignorant par defaut d'instruction." An ignorant person may certainly, even in the very circumstances which betray his ignorance, evince considerable ability. For instance, the native Indian, who for the first time saw a bottle of porter uncorked, and who expressed great astonishment at the quantity of froth which he saw burst from the bottle, and much curiosity to know whether it could all be put in again, showed even in his ignorance a degree of capacity, which in different situations might have saved his life, or have made his fortune. In the situation of the poor fisherman, and the great giant of smoke, who issued from the small vessel, well known to all versed in the Arabian Tales, such acuteness would have saved his life ; and a similar spirit of inquiry, applied to chemistry. 152 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. might, in modern times, have made his fortune. Even where no positive abilities are displayed at the time by those who manifest ignorance, we should not (except the culprits be natives of Ireland) hastily give them up. Ignorance of the most common objects is not only incident to certain situations, but absolutely unavoidable; and the individuals placed in those situations are no more blameable than they would be for becoming blind in the snows of Lap- land, or for having goitres amongst the Cretins of Le Vallais. Would you blame the ignorant nuns who, insensible of the danger of an eruption of Mount Vesuvius,* warmed themselves at the burning lava which flowed up to the windows of their cells ? or would you think the French canoness an idiot who, at the age of fifty, was, on account of her health, to go out of her convent, and asked, when she met a cow for the first time, what strange animal that was ? or would you think that those poor children deserved to be stigmatised as fools, who, after being confined for a couple of years in an English workhouse, actually at eight years old had forgotten the names of a pig and a calfrt their ignorance was surely more deplorable than ridiculous. When the London young lady kept a collection of chicken-bones on her plate at dinner, as a bonne-bouche for her brother's * Vide Sir W. Hamilton's account of an eruption of Mount Vesuvius. •f This fact, we believe, is mentioned in a letter of Mrs. Cappe's on parish schools. ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 153 horse,* Dr. Johnson would not suffer her to be called an idiot, but very judiciously defended her, by maintaining, that her action merely demonstrated her ignorant of points of natural history, on which a London miss had no immediate opportunity of ob- taining information. Had the world always judged upon such subjects with similar candour, the re- proachful cant term of cockney would never have been disgracefully naturalised in the English lan- guage. This word, as we are informed by a learned philologist, originated from the mistake of a learned citizen's son, who having been bred up entirely in the metropolis, was so gloriously ignorant of country life and country animals, that the first time he heard a cock crow, he called it neighing. If such a mis- take had been made by an Irishman, it would surely have been called a bull : it has, at least, as good pre- tensions to the title as many mistakes made by ignorant Hibernians ; for instance, the well-known blunder relative to the sphinx : — An uninformed Irishman, hearing the sphinx alluded to in company, whispered to a friend, " The sphinx ! who is that now ? " " A monster, man." " Oh, a Munster-man : I thought he was from Connaught/' replied our Irishman, determined not to seem totally unacquainted with the family. Gross and ridiculous as this blunder appears, we are compelled by candour to allow, that the affectation * Vide Mrs. Piozzi's English Synonymy. 154 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. of showing knowledge has betrayed to shame men far superior to our Hibernian, both in reputation and in the means of acquiring knowledge. Cardinal Richelieu, the Mecaenas or would-be Mecsenas of France, once mistook the name of a noted grammarian, Maurus Terentianus, for a play of Terence's. This is called by the French \vriter who records it, " une bevue bien grossiere." How- ever gross, a mistake can never be made into a bull. We find bevues French, English, Italian, German, Latin, and Greek, of theologians, historians, anti- quarians, poets, critics, and translators, without end. The learned Budseus takes Sir Thomas More's Utopia for a true history; and proposes sending missionaries to work the conversion of so wise a people as the Utopians. An English anti- quarian* mistakes a tomb in a Gothic cathedral for the tomb of Hector. Pope, our great poet, and prince of translators, mistakes Dec. the 8th, Nov. the 5th, of Cinthio, for Dec. 8th, Nov. 5th; and Warburton, his learned critic, improves upon the blunder, by afterward writing the words December and November at full length. Better still, because more comic, is the blunder of a Frenchman, who, puzzled by the title of one of Gibber's plays, " Love's Last Shift," translates it " La Derniere Chemise de 1'Amour." We laugh at these mistakes, and forget them ; but who can forget the blunder of the Cork almanac-maker, who informs the world that the * John Lydgate. ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 155 principal republics in Europe are Venice, Holland, and America ? The blunders of men of all countries, except Ireland, do not affix an indelible stigma upon individual or national character. A free pardon is, and ought to be, granted by every Englishman to the vernacular and literary errors of those who have the happiness to be born subjects of Great Britain. What enviable privileges are annexed to the birth of an Englishman ! and what a misfortune it is to be a native of Ireland ! CHAPTER IV. LITTLE DOMIN1CK. WE have laid down the general law of bulls and blunders ; but, as there is no rule without an excep- tion, we may perhaps allow an exception in favour of little Dominick. Little Dominick was born at Fort-Reilly, in Ireland, and bred nowhere until his tenth year, when he was sent to Wales to learn manners and grammar at the school of Mr. Owen ap Davies ap Jenkins ap Jones. This gentleman had reason to think himself the greatest of men ; for he had over his chimney- piece a well-smoked genealogy, duly attested, tracing his ancestry in a direct line up to Noah ; and more- over he was nearly related to the learned etymologist, 156 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. who, in the time of Queen Elizabeth, wrote a folio to prove that the language of Adam and Eve in Paradise was pure Welsh. With such causes to be proud, Mr. Owen ap Davies ap Jenkins ap Jones was excusable for sometimes seeming to forget that a schoolmaster is but a man. He, however, some- times entirely forgot that a boy is but a boy ; and this happened most frequently with respect to little Dominick. This unlucky wight was flogged every morning by his master, not for his vices, but for his vicious constructions, and laughed at by his companions every evening for his idiomatic absurdities. They would probably have been inclined to sympathise in his misfortunes, but that he was the only Irish boy at school ; and as he was at a distance from all his relations, and without a friend to take his part, he was a just object of obloquy and derision. Every sentence he spoke was a bull ; every two words he put together proved a false concord ; and every sound he articulated betrayed the brogue. But as he pos- sessed some of the characteristic boldness of those who have been dipped in the Shannon, he showed himself able and willing to fight his own battles with the host of foes by whom he was encompassed. Some of these, it was said, were of nearly twice his stature. This may be exaggerated, but it is certain that our hero sometimes ventured with sly Irish humour to revenge himself upon his most powerful tyrant by mimicking the Welsh accent, in which Mr. Owen ap Jones said to him, " Cot pless me, ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 157 you plockit, and shall I never learn you Enclish crammer ? " It was whispered in the ear of this Dionysius, that our little hero was a mimick ; and he was treated with increased severity. The midsummer holydays approached ; but he feared that they would shine no holydays for him. He had written to his mother to tell her that school would break up the 21st, and to beg an answer, without fail, by return of post; but no answer came. It was now nearly two months since he had heard from his dear mother or any of his friends in Ire- land. His spirits began to sink under the pressure of these accumulated misfortunes: he slept little, ate less, and played not at all ; indeed nobody would play with him upon equal terms, because he Mas nobody's equal ; his schoolfellows continued to con- sider him as a being, if not of a different species, at least of a different caste from themselves. Mr. Owen ap Jones's triumph over the little Irish plockit was nearly complete, for the boy's heart was almost broken, when there came to the school a new scholar — O, how unlike the others ! His name was Edwards ; he was the son of a neighbouring Welsh gentleman; and he had himself the spirit of a gentleman. When he saw how poor Dominick was persecuted, he took him under his protection, fought his battles with the Welsh boys, and, instead of laughing at him for speaking Irish, he endeavoured to teach him to speak English. In his answers to 158 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. the first question Edwards ever asked him, little Dominick made two blunders, which set all his other companions in a roar ; yet Edwards would not allow them to be genuine bulls. In answer to the question, " Who is your father ? " Dominick said, with a deep sigh, " I have no father — I am an orphan* — I have only a mother." " Have you any brothers and sisters ? " "No; I wish 1 had; perhaps they would love me, and not laugh at me," said Dominick, with tea*s in his eyes ; " but I have no brothers but myself." One day Mr. Jones came into the school-room with an open letter in his hand, saying, " Here, you little Irish plockit, here's a letter from your mother." The little Irish blockhead started from his form, and, throwing his grammar on the floor, leaped up higher than he or any boy in the school had ever been seen to leap before, and, clapping his hands, he exclaimed, "A letter from my mother ! And will I hear the letter ? And will I see her once more ? And will I go home these holydays ? O, then I will be too happy ! " " There's no tanger of that," said Mr. Owen ap Jones ; "for your mother, like a wise ooman, writes me here, that py the atvice of your cardian, to oom she is coing to be married, she will not pring you * Iliad, 6th book, 1. 432, Andromache says to Hector, " You will make your son an orphan, and your wife a widow." ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS, 159 home to Ireland till I send her word you are perfect in your Enclish crammer at least." " I have my lesson perfect, sir," said Dominick, taking his grammar up from the floor, " tvill I say it now ? " " Will I say it now ? No, you plockit, no ; and I will write your mother word you have proke Pris- cian's head four times this tay, since her letter came. You Irish plockit ! " continued the relentless gram- marian, " will you never learn the tifference between shall and tvill ? Will I hear the letter, and will I see her once more ? What Enclish is this, plockit ? " The Welsh boys all grinned, except Edwards, who hummed, loud enough to be heard, two lines of the good old English song, " And will I see him once again ? And will I hear him speak ? " Many of the boys were fortunately too ignorant to feel the force of the quotation ; but Mr. Owen ap Jones understood it, turned upon his heel, and walked off. Soon afterwards he summoned Domi- nick to his awful desk ; and, pointing with his ruler to the following page in Harris's Hermes, bade him " reat it, and understant it, if he could." Little Dominick read, but could not understand. " Then read it loud, you plockit." Dominick read aloud — " There is noihing appears so clearly an object of the mind or intellect only as the future does, since 160 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. we can find no place for its existence any where else: not but the same, if we consider, is equally true of the past " "Well, co on — What stops the plockit? Can't you reat Enclish now ? " " Yes, sir ; but I was trying to understand it. I was considering, that this is like what they would call an Irish bull, if I had said it." Little Dominick could not explain what he meant in English, that Mr. Owen ap Jones would under- stand ; and, to punish him for his impertinent observation, the boy was doomed to learn all that Harris and Lowth have written to explain the nature of shall and will. The reader, if he be desirous of knowing the full extent of the penance enjoined, may consult Lowth's Grammar, p. 52, ed. 1799? and Harris's Hermes, p. 10, 11, and 12, 4th edition. Undismayed at the length of his task, little Dominick only said, " I hope, if I say it all without missing a word, you will not give my mother a bad account of me and my grammar studies, sir." " Say it all first, without missing a word, and then I shall see what I shall say," replied Mr. Owen ap Jones. Even the encouragement of this oracular answer excited the boy's fond hopes so keenly, that he lent his little soul to the task, learned it perfectly, said it at night, without missing one word, to his friend Edwards, and said it the next morning, without missing one word, to his master. " And now, sir," said the boy, looking up, " will ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 161 you write to my mother ? And shall I see her ? And shall I go home ? " " Tell me first, whether youunderstant all this that you have learnt so cliply," said Mr. Owen ap Jones. That was more than his bond. Our hero's coun- tenance fell : and he acknowledged that he did not understand it perfectly. " Then I cannot write a coot account of you and your crammer studies to your mother ; my conscience coes against it," said the conscientious Mr. Owen ap Jones. No entreaties could move him. Dominick never saw the letter that was written to his mother ; but he felt the consequence. She wrote word this time punctually by return of the post, that she was sorry that she could not send for him home these holydays, as she heard so bad an account from Mr. Jones, &c. and as she thought it her duty not to interrupt the course of his education, especially his grammar stu- dies. Little Dominick heaved many a sigh when he saw the packings up of all his school-fellows, and dropped a few tears as he looked out of the window, and saw them, one after another, get on their Welsh ponies, and gallop off towards their homes. " I have no home to go to," said he. "Yes, you have," cried Edwards; "and our horses are at the door to carry us there." " To Ireland ? me ! the horses ! " said the poor boy, quite bewildered : " and will they bring me to Ireland?" " No ; the horses cannot carry you to Ireland," M 1 162 . ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. said Edwards, laughing good-naturedly, "but you have a home now in England. I asked my father to let me take you home with me ; and he says ' Yes,' like a dear good father, and has sent the horses. Come, let's away." " But will Mr. Jones let me go ? " " Yes ; he dare not refuse ; for my father has a living in his gift that Jones wants, and which he will not have, if he do not change his tune to you." Little Dominick could not speak one word, his heart was so full. No boy could be happier than he was during these holydays : " the genial current of his soul," which had been frozen by unkindness, flowed with all its natural freedom and force. When Dominick returned to school after these holydays were over, Mr. Owen ap Jones, who now found that the Irish boy had an English protector with a living in his gift, changed his tone. He never more complained unjustly that Dominick broke Priscian's head, seldom called him Irish plockit, and once would have flogged a Welsh boy for taking up this cast-off expression of the master's, but the Irish blockhead begged the culprit off. Little Dominick sprang forward rapidly in his studies : he soon surpassed every boy in the school, his friend Edwards only excepted. In process of time his guardian removed him to a higher seminary of education. Edwards had a tutor at home. The friends separated. Afterwards they followed different professions in distant parts of the world ; and they neither saw nor heard any more of each other for ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 163 many years. From boys they grew into men, and Dominick, now no longer little Dominick, went. over to India as private secretary to one of our com- manders in chief. How he got into this situation, or by what gradations he rose in the world, we are not exactly informed : we know only that he was the reputed author of a much-admired pamphlet on Indian affairs, that the despatches of the general to whom he was secretary were remarkably well written, and that Dominick O'Reilly, esq. returned to Eng- land, after several years' absence, not miraculously rich, but with a fortune equal to his wishes. His wishes were not extravagant : his utmost ambition was to return to his native country with a fortune that should enable him to live independently of all the world, especially of some of his relations, who had not used him well. His mother was no more. Upon his arrival in London, one of the first things he did was to read the Irish newspapers. — To his inexpressible joy, he saw the estate of Fort-Reilly advertised to be sold — the very estate which had formerly belonged to his own family. Away he posted directly to an attorney's who was empowered to dispose of the land. When this attorney produced a map of the well- known pleasure-ground, and an elevation of that house in which he had spent the happiest hours of his infancy, his heart was so touched, that he was on the point of paying down more for an old ruin than a good new house would cost. The attorney acted honestly by his client, and seized this moment to M 2 164 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. exhibit a plan of the stabling and offices, which, as sometimes is the case in Ireland, were in a style far superior to the dwelling-house. Our hero surveyed these with transport. He rapidly planned various improvements in imagination, and planted certain favourite spots in the pleasure-ground. During this time the attorney \vas giving directions to a clerk about some other business : suddenly the name of Owen ap Jones struck his ear — He started. " Let him wait in the front parlour ; his money is not forthcoming," said the attorney ; " and if he keep Edwards in gaol till he rots " " Edwards ! Good heavens ! — in gaol ! What Edwards ? " exclaimed our hero. It was his friend Edwards. The attorney told him that Mr. Edwards had been involved in great distress by taking upon himself his father's debts, which had been incurred in exploring a mine in Wales ; that of all the creditors none had refused to compound, except a Welsh parson, who had been presented to his living by old Edwards ; and that this Mr. Owen ap Jones had thrown young Mr. Edwards into gaol for the debt. " What is the rascal's demand ? He shall be paid off this instant," cried Dominick, throwing down the plan of Fort-Reilly : " send for him up, and let me pay him off upon the spot." " Had not we best finish our business first, about the O'Reilly estate, sir ? " said the attorney. " No, sir ; damn the O'Reilly estate," cried he, huddling the maps together on the desk, and taking ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 165 up the bank notes, which he had begun to reckon for the purchase money. " I beg your pardon, sir. If you knew the facts, you would excuse me. Why does not this rascal come up to be paid ? " The attorney, thunderstruck by this Hibernian impetuosity, had not yet found time to take his pen out of his month. As he sat transfixed in his arm- chair, O'Reilly ran to the head of the stairs, and called out in a stentorian voice, " Here, you Mr. Owen ap Jones ; come up and be paid off this in- stant, or you shall never be paid at all." Up stairs hobbled the old schoolmaster, as fast as the gout and Welsh ale would let him. " Cot pless me, that voice," he began — " Where's your bond, sir ?" said the attorney. " Safe here, Cot be praised," said the terrified Owen ap Jones, pulling out of his bosom, first a blue pocket-handkerchief, and then a tattered Welsh grammar, which O'Reilly kicked to the farther end of the room- " Here is my bond," said he, "in the crammer," which he gathered from the ground ; then fumbling over the leaves, he at length unfolded the precious deposit. O'Reilly saw the bond, seized it, looked at the sum, paid it into the attorney's hands, tore the seal from the bond ; then, without looking at old Jones, whom he dared not trust himself to speak to, he clapped his hat upon his head, and rushed out of the room. Arrived at the King's Bench prison, he hur- ried to the apartment where Edwards was confined. 166 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. The bolts flew back ; for even the turnkeys seemed to catch our hero's enthusiasm. " Edwards, my dear boy ! how do you do ? Here's a bond debt, justly due to you for my educa- tion. O, never mind asking any unnecessary ques- tions ; only just make haste out of this undeserved abode : our old rascal is paid off — Owen ap Jones, you know. — Well, how the man stares ! Why, now, will you have the assurance to pretend to forget who I am ? and must I spake," continued he, assuming the tone of his childhood, " and must I spake to you again in my ould Irish brogue before you will ricol- lict you own little Dominick ? " When his friend Edwards was out of prison, and when our hero had leisure to look into business, he returned to the attorney, to see that Mr. Owen ap Jones had been legally satisfied. " Sir," said the attorney, " I have paid the plain- tiffin this suit ; and he is satisfied : but I must say," added he, with a contemptuous smile, " that you Irish gentlemen are rather in too great a hurry in doing business : business, sir, is a thing that must be done slowly to be done well." " I am ready now to do business as slowly as you please ; but when my friend was in prison, I thought the quicker I did his business the better. Now tell me what mistake I have made, and I will rectify it instantly." " Instantly ! Tis well, sir, with your prompti- tude, that you have to deal with what prejudice thinks uncommon — an honest attorney. Here are ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 167 some bank notes of yours, sir, amounting to a good round sum. You made a little blunder in this busi- ness : you left me the penalty, instead of the prin- cipal, of the bond — just twice as much as you should have done." " Just twice as much as Mras in the bond, but not twice as much as I should have done, nor half as much as I should have done, in my opinion," said O'Reilly ; " but whatever I did was with my eyes open : I was persuaded you were an honest man ; in which you see I was not mistaken ; and as a man of business, I knew you would pay Jones only his due. The remainder of the money I meant, and mean, should lie in your hands for my friend Edwards's use. I feared he would not have taken it from my hands : I therefore left it in yours. To have taken my friend out of prison merely to let him go back again to-day, for want of money to keep himself clear with the world, would have been a blunder indeed, but not an Irish blunder : our Irish blunders are never blunders of the heart." CHAPTER V. THE BLISS OF IGNORANCE. No well-informed Englishman would laugh at the blunders of such a character as little Dominick ; but there are people who justify the assertion, that laugh- 168 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. ter always arises from a sense of real or imaginary superiority. Now if it be true, that laughter has its source in vanity, as the most ignorant are gene- rally the most vain, they must enjoy this pleasure in its highest perfection. Unconscious of their own deficiencies, and consequently fearless of becoming in their turn the objects of ridicule, they enjoy in full security the delight of humbling their superiors. How much are they to be admired for the courage with which they apply, on all occasions., their test of truth ! Wise men may be struck with admiration, respect, doubt, or humility ; but the ignorant, hap- pily unconscious that they know nothing, can be checked in their merriment by no consideration, human or divine. Theirs is the sly sneer, the dry joke, and the horse laugh : theirs the comprehensive range of ridicule, which takes " every creature in, of every kind." No fastidious delicacy spoils their sports of fancy : though ten times told, the tale to them never can be tedious ; though dull " as the fat weed that grows on Lethe's bank," the jest for them has all the poignancy of satire : on the very offals, the garbage of wit, they can feed and batten. Happy they who can find in every jester the wit of Sterne or Swift; who else can wade through hundreds of thickly printed pages to obtain for their reward such witticisms as the following : — " Two Irishmen having travelled on foot from Chester to Barnet, were confoundedly tired and fatigued by their journey ; and the more so when they were told that they had still about ten miles to go. ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 169 ' By my shoul and St. Patrick/ cries one of them, * it is but five miles a-piece.' " Here, notwithstanding the promise of a jest held forth by the words, " By my shoul and St. Patrick," we are ultimately cheated of our hopes. To the ignorant, indeed, the word of promise is kept to the mind as well as to the ear ; but others perceive that, instead of a bull, they have only a piece of senti- mental arithmetic, founded upon the elegant theorem, that friendship doubles all our pleasures, and divides all our pains. We must not, from false delicacy to our country- men, here omit a piece of advice to English retailers or inventors of Irish blunders. Let them beware of such prefatory exclamations as — " By my shoul and St. Patrick ! By Jasus ! Arrah, honey ! My dear joy ! " &c., because all such phrases, beside being absolutely out of date and fashion in Ireland, raise too high an expectation in the minds of a British audience, operating as much to the disadvantage of the story-teller as the dangerous exordium of — " I'll tell you an excellent story;" an exordium ever to be avoided by all prudent wits. Another caution should be given to well-meaning ignorance. Never produce that as an Irish bull for which any person of common literature can imme- diately supply a precedent from our best authors. Never be at the pains, for instance, of telling, from Joe Miller, a good story of an Irish sailor, who travelled with Captain Cook round the world, and 170 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. afterwards swore to his companions that it was as flat as a table. This anecdote, however excellent, immediately finds a parallel in Pope : " Mad Mathesis alone was unconfined, Too mad for mere material chains to bind ; Now to pure space lifts her ecstatic stare, Now running round the circle finds it square." Pope was led into the blunder of representing mad Mathesis running round the circle, and finding it square by a confused notion that mathematicians had considered the circle as composed of straight lines. His mathematical friends could have told him, that though it was talked of as a polygon, it was not supposed to be a square ; but polygon would not have rhymed to stare ; and poets, when they launch into the ocean of words, must have an eye to the helm ; at all events a poet, who is not supposed to be a student of the exact sciences, may be forgiven for a mathematical blunder. This affair of squaring the circle seems to be peculiarly liable to error; for even an accurate mathematician cannot speak of it without committing something very like a bull. Dr. Hutton, in his Treatise on Mensuration, p. 119, says, " As the famous quadrature of the late Mr. John Machin, professor of astronomy in Gresham College, is extremely expeditious and but little known, I shall take this opportunity of explaining it." It is to be presumed, that the doctor here uses the ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 171 word famous in that acceptation in which it is daily and hourly employed by our Bond-street loungers, by city apprentices, and men of the ton. ft That was a famous good joke ; " " He is a famous whip ; " " We had a famous hop," &c. Now it cannot be supposed that any of these things are in themselves entitled to fame ; but they may, indeed, by the cour- tesy of England, be at once famous, and but little known. It is unnecessary to enter into the defence either of Dr. Hutton or of Pope, for they were not born in Ireland, therefore they cannot make bulls ; and assuredly theif mistakes will not, in the opinion of any person of common sense or candour, derogate from their reputation. " Never strike till you are sure to wound," is a maxim well known to the polite * and politic part of the world. " Never laugh when the laugh can be turned against you," should be the maxim of those who find their chief pleasure in making others ridi- culous. This principle, if applied to our subject, would lead, however, to a very extensive and trouble- some system of mutual forbearance ; troublesome in proportion to the good or ill humour of the parties concerned, extensive in proportion to their knowledge and acquirements. A man of cultivated parts will foresee the possibility of the retort courteous, where an ignorant man will enjoy the fearless bliss of igno- rance. For example, an illiterate person may enjoy a hearty laugh at the common story of an old Irish * Lord Chesterfield. 172 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. beggar-man, who, pretending to be dumb, was thrown off his guard by the question, " How many years have you been dumb ? " and answered, " Five years last St. John's Eve, please your honour." But our triumph over the Irishman abates, when we recollect in the History of England, and in Shak- speare, the case of Saunder Simcox, who pretended to be miraculously and instantaneously cured of blindness at St. Alban's shrine. Since we have bestowed so much criticism on the blunder of a beggar-man, a word or two must be permitted on the blunder of a thief. It is natural for ignorant people to laugh at the Hibernian who said that he had stolen a pound of chocolate to make tea of. But philosophers are disposed to abstain from the laugh of superiority when they recollect that the Irishman could probably make as good tea from chocolate as the chemist could make butter, sugar, and cream, from antimony, sulphur, and tartar. The absurdities in the ancient chemical nomenclature could not be surpassed by any in the Hibernian catalogue. If the reader should think this a rash and unwarrantable assertion, we refer him to an essay,* in which the flagrant abuses of speech in the old language of chemistry are admirably exposed and ridiculed. Could an Irishman confer a more appro- priate appellation upon a white powder than that of beautiful black ? * Essay on Chemical Nomenclature, by S. Dickson, M.D. ; in which are comprised observations on the same subject, by R. Kirwan, Pres. R.I. A — Vide pages 21, 22, 23, &c. ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 173 It is really provoking to perceive, that as our know- ledge of science or literature extends, \ve are in more danger of finding, in our own and foreign languages, parallels and precedents for Irish blunders ; so that a very well informed man can scarcely with any grace or conscience smile, where a booby squire might enjoy a long and loud horse-laugh of contempt. What crowds were collected to see the Irish bottle conjuror * get into a quart bottle ; but Dr. Desaguliers had prepared the English to think such a conden- sation of animal particles not impossible. He savs, vol. i. p. 5, of his Lectures on Natural Philosophy, " that the nature of things should last, and their natural course continue the same ; all the changes made in bodies must arise only from the various separations, new conjunctions, and motions, of these original particles. These must be imagined of an unconceivable smallness, but by the union of them there are made bigger lumps," &c. Indeed things are now come to such a lamentable pass, that without either literary or scientific acquire- ments, mere local knowledge, such as can be obtained from a finger-post, may sometimes prevent us from the full enjoyment of the Boeotian absurdity of our neighbours. What can, at first view, appear a grosser blunder, than that of the Irishman who begged a friend to look over his library, to find for him the * This conjuror, whose name was Broadstreet, was a native of the county of Longford, in Ireland : he by this hit pocketed 200/., and proved himself to be more knave than fooL 174 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. history of the world before the creation ? Yet this anachronism of ideas is not unparalleled ; it is matched, though on a more contracted scale, by an inscription on a British finger-post — " Had you seen these roads before they were made, You'd lift up your eyes, and bless Marshal Wade ! " There is, however, a rabbi, mentioned by Bayle, who far exceeds both the Irishman and the finger- post. He asserts, that Providence questioned Adam concerning the creation before he was born ; and that Adam knew more of the matter than the angels who had laughed at him. Those who see things in a philosophical light must have observed more frequently than others, that there is in this world a continual recurrence or rotation of ideas, events, and blunders. With his utmost ingenuity, or his utmost absurdity, a man, in modern days, cannot contrive to produce a system for which there is no prototype in antiquity, or to com- mit a blunder for which there is no precedent. For example : during the late rebellion in Ireland, at the military execution of some wretched rebel, the cord broke, and the criminal, M'ho had been only half hanged, fell to the ground. The Major, who was superintending the execution, exclaimed, " You rascal, if you do that again, I'll kill you, as sure as you breathe." Now this is by no means an original idea. In an old French book, called " La Charlatanerie des Savans," is the following note : — " D'autres ont pro- ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 175 pose et resolu en meme terns des questions ridicules; par exemple celle-ci : Devroit-on faire souffrir une seconde fois le meme genre de mort a un criminel, qui apres avoir eu la tete coupee viendroit a re- susciter ? " — Finkellh, Praef. ad Observationes Pract. num. 12. The passionate major, instead of being a mere Irish blunderer, was, without knowing it, a learned casuist; for he was capable of deciding, in one \rord, a question, which, it seems, had puzzled the under- standings of the ablest lawyers of France, or which had appalled their conscientious sensibility. Alas, there is nothing new under the sun ! " Where ignorance is bliss, 'Us folly to be wise." CHAPTER VI. " THOUGHTS THAT BREATHE, AND WORDS THAT BURN." WE lamented, in our last chapter, that there is nothing new under the sun ; yet, perhaps, the thoughts and phraseology of the following story may not be familiar to the English. " Plase your honour," says a man, whose head is bound up with a garter, in token and commemoration of his having been at a fair the preceding night — " Plase your honour, it's what I am striving since six o'clock and before, this morning, becaase I'd sooner 176 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. trouble your honour's honour than any man in all Ireland, on account of your character, and having lived under yoxir family, me and mine, twinty years, aye, say forty again to the back o'that, in the old gentleman's time, as I well remember before I was born ; that same time I heard tell of your own honour's riding a little horse in green with your gun before you, a grousing over our town-lands, which was the mill and abbey of Ballynagobogg, though 'tis now set away from me (owing to them that belied my father) to Christy Salmon, becaase he's an Orangeman — or his wife — though he was once (let him deny it who can), to my certain knowledge, behind the haystack in Tullygore, sworn in a United man by captain Alick, who was hanged Pace to the dead any how ! Well, not to be talking too much of that now, only for this Christy Salmon, I should be still living under your honour." " Very likely ; but what has all this to do with the present business ? If you have any complaint to make against Christy Salmon, make it — if not, let me go to dinner." " Oh, it would be too bad to be keeping your honour from your dinner, but I'll make your honour sinsible immadiately. It is not of Christy Salmon at-all-at-all I'm talking. May be your honour is not sinsible yet who I am — I am Paddy M'Doole, of the Curragh, and I've been a flax-dresser and dealer since I parted your honour's land, and was last night at the fair of Clonaghkilty, where I wrent just in a quiet way thinking of nothing at all, as any man might, ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 177 and had my little yarn along with me, my wife's and the girl's year's spinning, and all just hoping to bring them back a few honest shillings as they desarved — none better ! — Well, plase your honour, my beast lost a shoe, which brought me late to the fair, but not so late but what it was as throng as ever ; you could have walked over the heads of the men, women, and childer, a foot and a horseback, all buying and selling; so I to be sure thought no harm of doing the like ; so I makes the best bargain I could of the little hanks for my wife and the girl, and the man I sold them to was just weighing them at the crane, and I standing forenent him — ' Success to myself!' said I, looking at the shillings I was putting into my waist- coat pocket for my poor family, when up comes the inspector, whom I did not know, I'll take my oath, from Adam, nor couldn't know, becaase he was the deputy inspector, and had been but just made, of which I was ignorant, by this book and all the books that ever were shut and opened — but no matter for that ; he seizes my hanks out of the scales that I had just sold, saying they were unlawful and forfeit, becaase by his watch it was past four o'clock, which I denied to be possible, plase your honour, becaase not one, nor two, nor three, but all the town and country were selling the same as myself in broad day, only when the deputy came up they stopped, which I could not, by rason I did not know him. — ' Sir,' says I (very civil), ' if I had known you, it would have been another case, but any how I hope no jantleman will be making it a crime to a poor man N i 178 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. to sell his little matter of yarn for his wife and childer after four o'clock, when he did not know it was contrary to law at-all-at-all.' " ' I gave you notice that it was contrary to law at the fair of Edgerstown,' said he. — ' I axe your par- don, sir,' said I, e it was my brother, for I was by.' — With that he calls me liar, and what not, and takes a grip* of me, and I a grip of my flax, and he had a shilalat and I had none; so he gave it me over the head, I crying ' murder ! murder ! ' and clinging to the scales to save me, and they set a swinging and I with them, plase your honour, till the bame comes down a'top o'the back o'my head, and kilt me, as your honour sees." " I see that you are alive still, I think." " It's not his fault if I am, plase your honour, for he left me for dead, and I am as good as dead still : if it be plasing to your honour to examine my head, you'll be sinsible I'm telling nothing but the truth. Your honour never seen a man kilt as I was and am — all which I'm ready (when convanient) to swear before your honour." J The reiterated assurances which this hero gives us of his being killed, and the composure with which he offers to swear to his own assassination and decease, appear rather surprising and ludicrous to those who * A gripe or fast hold. + An oak stick, supposed to be cut from the famous wood of Shilala. £ This is nearly verbatim from a late Irish complainant. ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 179 are not aware that kill is here used in a metaphorical sense, and that it has not the full force of our word killed. But we have been informed by a lady of unquestionable veracity, that she very lately received a petition worded in this manner — " To the right hon. lady E P . " Humbly showeth ; " That your poor petitioner is now lying dead in a ditch," &c. This poor Irish petitioner's expression, however preposterous it sounds, might perhaps be justified, if we were inclined to justify an Irishman by the example, not only of poets comic and tragic, but of prose writers of various nations. The evidence in favour both of the fact and the belief, that people can speak and walk after they are dead, is attested by stout warriors and grave historians. Let us listen to the solemn voice of a princess, who comes sweeping in the sceptred pall of gorgeous tragedy, to inform us that half herself has buried the other half. " Weep eyes ; melt into tears these cheeks to lave : One half myself lays t'other in the grave." * For six such lines as these Corneille received six thousand livres, and the admiration of the French court and people during the Augustan age of French literature. But an Italian is not content with killing * " Pleurez, pleurez mes yeux et fondez vous en eau, La moitie de ma vie a mis 1'autre au tombeau." N2 180 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. by halves. Here is a man from Italy who goes on fighting, not like Witherington, upon his stumps, but fairly after he is dead. " Nor yet perceived the vital spirit fled, But still fought on, nor knew that he was dead." * Common sense is somewhat shocked at this single instance of an individual fighting after he is dead ; but we shall, doubtless, be reconciled to the idea by the example of a gallant and modern commander, who has declared his opinion, that nothing is more feasible than for a garrison to fight, or at least to surrender, after they are dead, nay, after they are buried. — Witness this public document. " Liberty and Equality. , 6. } Garrison of Ostend. " Muscar, commandant of Ostend, to the com- mandant in chief of his British majesty. " General, " The council of war was sitting when I received the honour of your letters. We have unanimously resolved not to surrender the place until we shall have been buried in its ruins," &c. One step further in hyperbole is reserved for him, who, being buried, carries about his own sepulchre. " H pover uomo che non sen' era accorto, Andava combattendo ed era niorto." ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 181 " To live a life half dead, a living death, And buried ; but oh, yet more miserable ! Myself my sepulchre, a moving grave !" No person, if he heard this passage for the first time from the lips of an Irishman, could hesitate to call it a series of bulls ; yet these lines are part of the beautiful complaint of Samson Agonistes on his blindness. Such are the hyperboles sanctioned by the genius, or, what with some judges may have more influence, the name of Milton. The bounds which separate sublimity from bombast, and absur- dity from wit, are as fugitive as the boundaries of taste. Only those who are accustomed to examine and appraise literary goods are sensible of the pro- digious change that can be made in their apparent value by a slight change in the manufacture. The absurdity of a man's swearing he was killed, or de- claring that he is now dead in a ditch, is revolting to common sense ; yet the living death of Dapperwit, in the " Rape of the Lock," is not absurd, but witty ; and representing men as dying many times before their death is in Shakspeare sublime : *' Cowards die many times before their death ; The brave can never taste of death but once." The most direct contradictions in words do not (in English writers) destroy the effect of irony, wit, pathos, or sublimity. In the classic ode on Eton College, the poet ex- claims— 182 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. " To each their sufferings, all are men Condemned alike to groan ; The feeling for another's pain, Th' unfeeling for their own." Who but a half-witted dunce would ask how those that are unfeeling can have sufferings ? When Milton in melodious verse inquires " Who shall tempt with wandering feet The dark unbuttom'd infinite abyss, And through the palpable obscure find out His uncouth way ! " what Zoilus shall dare interrupt this flow of poetry to object to the palpable obscure, or to ask how feet can wander upon that which has no bottom ? It is easy, as Tully has long ago observed, to fix the brand of ridicule upon the verbum ardens of orators and poets — the " Thoughts that breathe, and words that burn." CHAPTER VII. PRACTICAL BULLS. As we have not hitherto been successful in finding original Irish bulls in language, we must now look for them in conduct. A person may be guilty of a solecism without uttering a single syllable — " That man has been guilty of a solecism with his hand," an ancient critic said of an actor, who had pointed his ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 183 hand upwards when invoking the infernal gods " You may act a lie as well as speak one/' says Wollaston. Upon the same principle, the Irish may be said to act, as well as to utter bulls. We shall give some instances of their practical bulls, which we hope to find unmatched by the blunders of all other nations. Most people, whether they be savage or civilized, can contrive to revenge themselves upon their enemies without blundering ; but the Irish are exceptions. They cannot even do this without a butt. During the late Irish rebellion, there was a banker to whom they had a peculiar dislike, and on whom they had vowed vengeance : accordingly they got possession of as many of his bank-notes as they could, and made a bonfire of them ! This might have been called a feu de joie, perhaps, but certainly not un feu d'artifice ; for nothing could show less art than burning a banker's notes in order to destroy his credit. How much better do the English un- derstand the arts of vengeance ! Captain Drink- water * informs us, that during the siege of Gibraltar, the English, being half famished, were most violently enraged against the Jews, who withheld their stores of provision, and made money of the public distress —a crime never committed except by Jews : at length the fleet relieved the besieged, and as soon as the fresh provisions were given out, the English soldiers and sailors, to revenge themselves upon the Jews, burst open their stores, and actually roasted a pig at • See his account of the siege of Gibraltar. 184 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. a fire made of cinnamon. There are other persons, as well as the Irish, who do not always understand their own interests where their passions are con- cerned. That great warrior, Hyder Ali, once lost a battle by a practical bull. Being encamped within sight of the British, he resolved to give them a high idea of his forces and of his artillery ; for this pur- pose, before the engagement,* he ordered his army to march early, and conveying some large pieces of cannon to the top of a hill, he caused them to be pointed at the English camp, which they reached admirably well, and occasioned a kind of disorder and haste in striking and removing tents, &c. Hyder, delighted at having thus insulted the English, caused all his artillery, even the very smallest pieces, to be drawn up the hill for the purpose of making a vain parade, though the greater part of the balls could never reach the English : he imagined he should give the enemy a high idea of his forces, and inti- midate them by showing all his artillery, and the vivacity with which it was worked; and in order that his intention might be answered, he encouraged the soldiers himself by giving money to the can- noneers of those pieces that appeared to be the best served. The English presently, after this farce was over, obliged Hyder to come down from labour-in-vain hill, and to give them battle in earnest. As the historian observes, " The ridiculous cannonade at the " Life of Hyder Ali Khan, vol. ii. p. 231. ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 185 top of the hill had exhausted his ammunition, his great guns were useless to him, and he lost the day by his premature rejoicings before the battle." A still more ancient precedent for this preposterous practical bull, of rejoicing for an anticipated victory, was given by Xerxes, we believe, who brought with him an immense block of marble, on which he in- tended to inscribe the date and manner of his victory over the Greeks. When Xerxes was de- feated, the Greeks dedicated this stone to Nemesis, the goddess of vengeance. But Xerxes was in the habit of making practical bulls, such as whipping the sea, and begging pardon for it afterwards ; throwing fetters into the Hellespont as a token of subjugation, and afterwards expiating his offence by an offering of a golden cup and Persian scimetar. To such blunders can the passions betray the most renowned heroes, although they had not the mis- fortune to have been born in Ireland. The impatience which induced Hyder AH to an- ticipate victory is not confined to military men and warlike operations; if we descend to common life and vulgar business, we shall find the same disposi- tion even in the precincts of Change-alley: those who bargained for South Sea stock, that was not actually forthcoming, were called bears, in allusion to the practice of the hunters of bears in Canada, who were accustomed to bargain for the skin of the bear before it was caught ; but whence the correla- tive term bull is derived we are at a loss to deter- mine, and we must also leave it to the mercantile 186 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. speculators of England to explain why gentlemen call themselves bulls of wheat and bulls of coals: all we can say is, that these are not Irish bulls. There is one distinguished peculiarity of the Irish bull — its horns are tipped with brass* It is gene- rally supposed that persons who have been dipped in the Shannon t are ever afterwards endowed with a supernatural portion of what is called by enemies impudence or assurance, by friends, self-possession or civil courage. These invulnerable mortals are never oppressed with mauvaise honte, that malady which keeps the faculties of the soul under ima- ginary imprisonment. A well-dipped Irishman, on the contrary, can move, speak, think, like Demos- thenes, with as much ease, when the eyes of numbers are upon him, as if the spectators were so many cabbage-stalks. This virtue of civil courage is of inestimable value in the opinion of the best judges. The great lord Verulam — no one, by-the- bye, could be a better judge of its value than he, who wanted it so much — the great lord Verulam declares, that if he were asked what is the first, second, and third thing necessary to success in public business, he should answer boldness, boldness, boldness. Success to the nation which possesses it in perfection ! Bacon was too acute and candid a philosopher not to acknowledge, that like all the • See the advice of Cleomeues to Crius. HERODOTUS ERATO. •f- It is said that the waters of the Garonne are famed for a similar virtue . ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 187 other goods of life this same boldness has its counter- vailing disadvantages. "Certainly/' says he, "to men of great judg- ment, bold persons are a sport to behold ; nay, and to the vulgar, boldness hath somewhat of the ridiculous; for if absurdity be the subject of laughter, doubt you not but great boldness is seldom without some absurdity ; especially it is a sport to see when a bold fellow is out of countenance, for that puts his face into a most shrunken and wooden posture, as needs it must." The man, however, who possesses boldness in per- fection, can never be put out of countenance, -and consequently can never exhibit, for the sport of his enemies, a face in this wooden posture. It is the deficiency, and not the excess of this quality, that is to be feared. Civil boldness without military courage would, indeed, be somewhat ridiculous : but we cannot accuse the Irish of any want of military courage ; on the contrary, it is supposed in England, that an Irishman is always ready to give any gentle- man satisfaction, even when none is desired. At the close of the American war, as a noble lord of high naval character was returning home to his family after various escapes from danger, he was detained a day at Holyhead by contrary winds. Reading in a summer-house, he heard the well- known sound of bullets whistling near him : he looked about, and found that two balls had just passed through the door close beside him ; he looked out of the window, and saw two gentlemen who were just 188 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. charging their pistols again, and, as he guessed that they had been shooting at a mark upon the door, he rushed out, and very civilly remonstrated with them on the imprudence of firing at the door of a house without having previously examined whether any one was withinside. One of them immediately answered, in a tone which proclaimed at once his disposition and his country, " Sir, I did not know you were within there, and I don't know who you are now; but if I've given offence, I am willing," said he, holding out the ready-charged pistols, " to give you the satisfaction of a gentleman — take your choice." With his usual presence of mind the noble lord seized hold of both the pistols, and said to his asto- nished countryman, " Do me the justice, sir, to go into that summer-house, shut the door, and let me have two shots at you ; then we shall be upon equal terms, and I shall be quite at your service to give or receive the satisfaction of a gentleman." There was an,air of drollery and of superiority in his manner which at once struck and pleased the Hibernian. " Upon my conscience, sir, I believe you are a very honest fellow," said he, looking him earnestly in the face, " and I have a great mind to shake hands with you. Will you only just tell me who you are ?" The nobleman told his name — a name dear to every Briton and every Irishman. " I beg your pardon, and that's what no man ever accused me of doing before," cried the gallant ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 189 Hibernian ; " and had I known who you were, I would as soon have shot my orvn soul as have fired at the door. But how could I tell who \vas within- side ? " " That is the very thing of which I complain," said his lordship. His candid opponent admitted the justice of the complaint as soon as he understood it, and he pro- mised never more to be guilty of such a practical bull. CHAPTER VIII. THE DUBLIN SHOEBLACK. UPON looking over our last chapter on practical bulls, we were much concerned to find that we have so few Irish and so many foreign blunders. It is with still more regret we perceive that, notwith- standing our utmost diligence, we have not yet been able to point out the distinguishing characteristic of an Irish bull. But to compensate for this disap- pointment we have devised a syllogism, which some people may prefer to an a priori argument, to prove irrefragably, that the Irish are blunderers. After the instances we have produced, chapter 6th, of the verbum ardens of English and foreign poets, and after the resemblance that we have pointed out betwixt certain figures of rhetoric and the Irish 190 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. bull, we have little reason to fear that the candid and enlightened reader should object to our major. Major. — Those who use figurative language are disposed to make bulls. Minor. — The Irish use figurative language. Conclusion. — Therefore the Irish are disposed to make bulls. We proceed to establish the truth of our minor, and the first evidence we shall call is a Dublin shoe- black. He is not in circumstances peculiarly favour- able for the display of figurative language ; he is in a court of justice, upon his trial for life or death. A quarrel happened between two shoeblacks, who were playing at what in England is called pitch-farthing, or heads and tails, and in Ireland, head or harp. One of the combatants threw a small paving stone at his opponent, who drew out the knife with which he used to scrape shoes, and plunged it up to the hilt in his companion's breast. It is necessary for our story to say, that near the hilt of this knife was stamped the name of Lamprey, an eminent cutler in Dublin. The shoeblack was brought to trial. With a number of significant gestures, which on his audience had all the powers that Demosthenes ascribes to action, he, in a language not purely Attic, gave the follow- ing account of the affair to his judge. " Why, my lard, as I was going past the Royal Exchange I meets Billy. ' Billy/ says I, ' will you sky a copper ? ' ' Done,' says he, ' Done,' says I ; and done and done's enough between two jantlemen. With that I ranged them fair and even with my ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 191 hook-em-snivey — up they go. ' Music ! ' says he, ' Skulls ! ' says I ; and down they come three brown mazards. ' By the holy ! you flesh'd em/ says he. ' You lie/ says I. With that he ups with a lump of a two year old, and lets drive at me. I outs with my bread-earner, and gives it him up to Lamprey in the bread-basket." To make this intelligible to the English, some comments are necessary. Let us follow the text, step by step, and it will afford our readers, as lord Kames says of Blair's Dissertation on Ossian, a de- licious morsel of criticism. As I was going past the Royal Exchange I meets Billy. In this apparently simple exordium, the scene and the meeting with Billy are brought before the eye by the judicious use of the present tense. Billy, says I, mill you sky a copper ? A copper ! genus pro specie ! the generic name of copper for the base individual halfpenny. Sky a copper. To sky is a new verb, which none but a master hand could have coined : a more splendid metonomy could not be applied upon a more trivial occasion : the lofty idea of raising a metal to the skies is sub- stituted for the mean thought of tossing up a half- penny. Our orator compresses his hyperbole into a single word. Thus the mind is prevented from dwelling long enough upon the figure to perceive its enormity. This is the perfection of the art. Let the genius of French exaggeration and of eastern lUii ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. hyperbole hide their diminished heads — Virgil is scarcely more sublime. " Ingrediturque solo et caput inter nubila condit." " Her feet on earth, her head amidst the clouds." Up they go, continues our orator. Music ! says he — Skulls ! says I. Metaphor continually : on one side of an Irish halfpenny there .is a harp ; this is expressed by the general term music, which is finely contrasted with the word scull. Down they come, three brown mazards. Mazards ! how the diction of our orator is enriched from the vocabulary of Shakspeare ! the word head, instead of being changed for a more general term, is here brought distinctly to the eye by the term mazard, or face, which is more appropriate to his majesty's profile than the word skull or head. By the holy ! you flesh' d 'em, says he. By the holy ! is an oath in which more is meant than meets the ear; it is an ellipsis — an abridgment of an oath. The full formula runs thus — By the holy poker of hell ! This instrument is of Irish in- vention or imagination. It seems a useful piece of furniture in the place for which it is intended, to stir the devouring flames, and thus to increase the torments of the damned. Great judgment is neces- sary to direct an orator how to suit his terms to his auditors, so as not to shock their feelings either by what is too much above or too much below common life. In the use of oaths, where the passions are ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 193 warm, this must be particularly attended to, else they lose their effect, and seem more the result of the head than the heart. But to proceed — By the holy ! you flesh' d 'em. To flesh is another verb of Irish coinage; it means, in shoeblack dialect, to touch a halfpenny, as it goes up into the air, with the fleshy part of the thumb, so as to turn it which way you please, and thus to cheat your opponent. What an intricate ex- planation saved by one word ! • You lie, says I. Here no periphrasis would do the business. With that he ups with a lump of a two year old, and lets drive at me. He ups with. — A verb is here formed of two pre- positions— a novelty in grammar. Conjunctions, we all know, are corrupted Anglo-Saxon verbs; but prepositions, according to Home Tooke, derive only from Anglo-Saxon nouns. All this time it is possible that the mere English reader may not be able to guess what it is that our orator ups with or takes up. He should be apprised, that a lump of a two year old is a middle-sized stone. This is a metaphor, borrowed partly from the grazier's vocabulary, and partly from the arithmetician's vade- mecum. A stone, to come under the denomination of a lump of a two year old, must be to a less stone as a two year old calf is to a yearling ; or it must be to a larger stone than itself, as a two year old calf is to an ox. Here the scholar sees that there must be two statements, one in the rule of three direct and 194 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. one in the rule of three inverse, to obtain precisely the thing required; yet the untutored Irishman, without suspecting the necessity of this operose pro- cess, arrives at the solution of the problem by some short cut of his own, as he clearly evinces by the propriety of his metaphor. To be sure, there seems some incongruity in his throwing this lump of a two year old calf at his adversary. No arm but that of Milo could be strong enough for such a feat. Upon recollection, however, bold as this figure may seem, there are precedents for its use. " We read in a certain author," says Beattie, " of a giant, who, in his wrath, tore off the top of the promontory, and flung it at the enemy; and so huge was the mass, that you might, says he, have seen goats browsing on it as it flew through the air." Compared \vith this, our orator's figure is cold and tame. " I outs with my bread-earner," continues he. We forbear to comment on outs with, because the intelligent critic immediately perceives that it has the same sort of merit ascribed to ups with. What our hero dignifies with the name of his bread-earner is the knife with which, by scraping shoes, he earned his bread. Pope's ingenious critic, Mr. Warton, bestow's judicious praise upon the art with which this poet, in the Rape of the Lock, has used many " periphrases and uncommon expressions," to avoid mentioning the name of scissors, which would sound too vulgar for epic dignity — fatal engine, forfex, meeting points, &c. Though the metonymy of ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 195 bread-earner for a shoeblack's knife may not equal these in elegance, it perhaps surpasses them in in- genuity. / gives it him up to Lamprey in the bread-basket.* Homer is happy in his description of wounds, but this surpasses him in the characteristic choice of cir- cumstance. Up to Lamprey, gives us at once a complete idea of the length, breadth, and thickness of the wound, without the assistance of the coroner. It reminds us of a passage in Virgil — " Cervice orantis capulo tenus abdidit ensem." " Up to the hilt his shining falchion sheathed." Let us now compare the Irish shoeblack's meta- phorical language with the sober slang of an English blackguard, who fortunately for the fairness of the comparison, was placed somewhat in similar circum- stances. Lord Mansfield, examining a man who was a wit- ness in the court of King's Bench, asked him what he knew of the defendant. " Oh, my lord, I knew him. I was up to him." " Up to him !" says his lordship ; " what do you mean by being up to him ? " " Mean, my lord ! why, / was down upon him." " Up to him, and down upon him ! " says his lordship, turning to counsellor Dunning, " what does the fellow mean ? " • The stomach. o 2 196 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. " Why, I mean, my lord, as deep as he thought himself, / slugged him." " I cannot conceive, friend," says his lordship, " what you mean by this sort of language ; I do not understand it." " Not understand it !" rejoined the fellow, with surprise : " Lord, rvhal aflat you must be ! " Though he undervalued lord Mansfield, this man does not seem to have been a very bright genius. In his cant words, " up to him, down upon him, slagged him," there are no metaphors ; and we confess our- selves to be as great flats as his lordship, for we do not understand this sort of language. " True, no meaning puzzles more than wit," as we may see in another English example. Pro- verbs have been called the wisdom of nations ; there- fore it is fair to have recourse to them in estimating national abilities. Now there is an old English pro- verb, " Tenterten steeple is the cause of Goodwin sands." " This proverb," says Mr. Ray, " is used when an absurd and ridiculous reason is given of any thing in question; an account of the original whereof I find in one of bishop Latimer's sermons in these words — ' Mr. Moore was once sent with commission into Kent to try out, if it might be, what was the cause of Goodwin's sands, and the shelf which stopped up Sandwich haven. Thither cometh Mr. Moore, and calleth all the country before him, such as were thought to be men of experience, and men that could, ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 197 of all likelihood, best satisfy him of the matter con- cerning the stopping of Sandwich haven. Among the rest came in before him an old man with a white head, and one that was thought to be little less than a hundred years old. When Mr. Moore saw this aged man, he thought it expedient to hear him say his mind in this matter (for being so old a man, it was likely that he knew the most in that presence or company) ; so Mr. Moore called this old aged man unto him and said, ' Father,' said he, ' tell me, if you can, what is the cause of the great arising of the sands and shelves here about this haven, which stop it up so that no ships can arrive here. You are the oldest man I can espy in all the company, so that if any man can tell any cause of it, you, of all like- lihood, can say most to it, or, at leastwise, more than any man here assembled.' " ' Yea, forsooth, good Mr. Moore,' quoth this old man, ' for I am well nigh a hundred years old, and no man here in this company any thing near my age.' " ' Well, then,' quoth Mr. Moore, ' how say you to this matter ? What think you to be the cause of these shelves and sands which stop up Sandwich haven ? ' " ' Forsooth, sir,' quoth he, ' I am an old man ; I think that Tenterten steeple is the cause of Goodwin's sands. For I am an old man, sir,' quoth he, ' I may remember the building of Tenterten steeple, and I may remember when there was no steeple at all there ; and before that Tenterten or Totterden steeple was in building, there was no manner of talking of any 198 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. flats or stands that stopped up the haven, and there- fore I think that Tenterten steeple is the cause of the decay and destroying of Sandwich haven.' "* — Thus far the bishop. The prolix pertinacity with which this old aged man adheres to the opinion that he had formed, without any intelligible reason, is characteristic of an English peasant ; but however absurd his mode of judging may be, and however confused and incon- gruous his ideas, his species of absurdity surely bears no resemblance to an Hibernian blunder. We cannot even suspect it to be possible that a man of this slow, circumspect character could be in any danger of making an Irish bull ; and we congratulate the English peasantry and populace, as a body, upon their possessing that temper which " Wisely rests content with sober sense, Nor makes to dangerous wit a vain pretence." Even the slang of English pickpockets and coiners is, as we may see in Colquhoun's View of the Metro- polis, free from all seducing mixture of wit and humour. What Englishman would ever have thought of calling persons in the pillory the babes in the wood ? This is a common cant phrase amongst Dublin repro- * This ancient old man, we fear, was more knave than fool. History informs us, that the bishop of Rochester had directed the revenue, appropriated for keeping Goodwin harbour in repair, to the purpose of building a steeple. — Vide Fuller's Worthies of England, page 65. ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 199 bates. Undoubtedly such phrases tend to lessen the power of shame and the effect of punishment, and a witty rogue will lead numbers to the gallows. English morality is not in so much danger as Irish manners must be from these humorous talents in their knights of industry. If, nevertheless, there be frequent exe- cutions for capital crimes in England, we must ac- count for this in the words of the old lord chief justice Fortescue — " More men," says his lordship, " are hanged in Englonde in one year than in Fraunce in seven, because the English have better hartes ; the Scotchmenne likewise never dare rob, but only commit larcenies." At all events, the phlegmatic temper of Englonde secures her from making bulls. The pro- pensity to this species of blunder exists in minds of a totally different cast ; in those who are quick and enthusiastic, who are confounded by the rapidity and force with which undisciplined multitudes of ideas crowd for utterance. Persons of such intellectual characters are apt to make elisions in speaking, which they trust the capacities of their audience will supply : passing rapidly over a long chain of thought, they sometimes forget the intermediate links, and no one but those of equally rapid habits can follow them successfully. We hope that the evidence of the Dublin shoe- black has, in some degree, tended to prove our minor, that the Irish are disposed to use figurative lan- guage : we shall not, however, rest our cause on a single evidence, however respectable ; but before we summon our other witnesses, we beg to relieve the 200 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. reader's attention, which must have been fatigued by such a chapter of criticism. They shall now have the tale of a mendicant. A specimen of city rhetoric is given in the shoeblack ; the country men- dicant's eloquence is of a totally different species. CHAPTER IX. THE HIBERNIAN MENDICANT. PERHAPS the reader may wish to see as M ell as hear the petitioner. At first view you might have taken him for a Spaniard. He was tall ; and if he had been a gentleman, you would have said that there was an air of dignity in his figure. He seemed very old, yet he appeared more worn by sorrow than by time. Leaning upon a thick oaken stick as he took off his hat to ask for alms, his white hair was blown by the wind. " Health and long life to you ! " said he. " Give an old man something to help to bury him. He is past his labour, and cannot trouble this world long any way." He held his hat towards us, with nothing impor- tunate in his manner, but rather with a look of confidence in us, mixed with habitual resignation. His thanks were : " Heaven bless you ! — Long life ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 201 and success to you ! to you and yours ! and may you never want a friend, as I do." The last words were spoken low. He laid his hand upon his heart as he bowed to us, and Mralked slowly away. We called him back; and upon our questioning him farther, he gave the following ac- co\mt of himself: — " I was bred and born — but no matter where such a one as I Avas bred and born, no more than where I may die and be buried. /, that have neither son, nor daughter, nor kin, nor friend, on the wide earth, to mourn over my grave when I am laid in it, as I soon must. Well ! when it pleases God to take me, I shall never be missed out of this world, so much as by a dog : and why should I ? — having never in my time done good to any — but evil — which I have lived to repent me of, many's the long day and night, and ever shall whilst I have sense and reason left. In my youthful days God was too good to me : I had friends, and a little home of my own to go to — a pretty spot of land for a farm, as you could see, with a snug cabin, and every thing complete, and all to be mine ; for I was the only one my father and mother had, and accordingly was made much of, too much; for I grew headstrong upon it, and high, and thought nothing of any man, and little of any woman, but- one. That one I surely did think of; and well worth thinking of she was. Beauty, they say, is all fancy ; but she was a girl every man might fancy. Never was one more sought after. She was then just in her prime, and full of life and spirits ; but 202 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. nothing light in her behaviour — quite modest — yet obliging. She was too good for me to be thinking of, no doubt ; but ' faint heart never won fair lady/ so I made bold to speak to Rose, for that was her name, and after a world of pains, I began to gain upon her good liking, but couldn't get her to say more than that she never seen the man she should fancy so well. This was a great deal from her, for she was coy and proud-like, as she had a good right to be ; and, besides being young, loved her little innocent pleasure, and could not easy be brought to give up her sway. No fault of hers : but all very natural. Well ! I always considered she never would have held out so long, nor have been so stiff with me, had it not been for an old aunt Honour of hers — God rest her soul ! One should not be talking ill of the dead ; but she was more out of my way than enough ; yet the cratur had no malice in her against me, only meaning her child's good, as she called it, but mistook it, and thought to make Rose happy by some greater match than me, counting her fondness for me, which she could not but see something of, childishness, that she would soon be broke of. Now there was a party of English soldiers quartered in our town, and there was a sergeant amongst them that had money, and a pretty place, as they said, in his own country. He courted Rose, and the aunt favoured him. He and I could never relish one another at all. He was a handsome portly man, but very proud, and looked upon me as dirt under his feet, because I was an Irishman ; and at every word ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 203 would say, ' That's an Irish bull!' or ' Do you hear Paddy's brogue ? ' at which his fellow-soldiers, being all English, would look greatly delighted. Now all this I could have taken in good part from any but him, for I was not an ill-humoured fellow ; but there was a spite in him I plainly saw against me, and I could not, nor would not take a word from him against me or my country, especially when Rose was by, who did not like me the worse for having a proper spirit. She little thought what would come of it. Whilst all this was going on, her aunt Honour found to object against me, that I was wild, and given to drink ; both which charges were false and malicious, and I knew could come from none other than the sergeant, which enraged me the more against him for speaking so mean behind my back. Now I knew, that though the sergeant did not drink spirits, he drank plenty of beer. Rose took it, how- ever, to heart, and talked very serious upon it, observing she could never think to marry a man given to drink, and that the sergeant was remark- ably sober and staid, therefore most like, as her aunt Honour said, to make a good husband. The words went straight to my heart, along with Rose's look. I said not a word, but went out, resolving, before I slept, to take an oath against spirits of all sorts for Rose's sweet sake. That evening I fell in with some boys of the neighbours, who would have had me along with them, but I dented myself and them ; and all I would taste was one parting glass, and then made my vow in the presence of the priest, 204 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. forswearing spirits for two years. Then I went straight to her house to tell her what I had done, not being sensible that I was that same time a little elevated with the parting glass I had taken. The first thing I noticed on going into the room was the man I least wished to see there, and least looked for at this minute : he was in high talk with the aunt, and Rose sitting on the other side of him, no way strange towards him, as I fancied ; but that was only fancy, and effect of the liquor I had drunk, which made me see things wrong. I went up, and put my head between them, asking Rose, did she know what I had been about? " ' Yes ; too well ! ' said she, drawing back from my breath. And the aunt looked at her, and she at the aunt, and the sergeant stopped his nose, saying he had not been long enough in Ireland to love the smell of whiskey. I observed, that was an uncivil remark in the present company, and added, that I had not taken a drop that night, but one glass. At which he sneered, and said that was a bull and a blunder, but no wonder, as I was an Irishman. I replied in defence of myself and country. We went on from one smart word to another ; and some of his soldiermen being of the company, he had the laugh against me still. I was vexed to see Rose bear so well what I could not bear myself. And the talk grew higher and higher ; and from talking of blun- ders and such trifles, we got, I cannot myself tell you how, on to great party matters, and politics, and religion. And I was a catholic, and he a protestant; ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 205 and there he had the thing still against me. The company seeing matters not agreeable, dropped off till none were left but the sergeant, and the aunt, and Rose, and myself. The aunt gave me a hint to part, but I would not take it ; for I could not bear to go away worsted, and borne down as it were by the English faction, and Rose by to judge. The aunt was called out by one who wanted her to go to a funeral next day : the Englishman then let fall something about our Irish howl, and savages, which Rose herself said was uncivil, she being an Irish woman, which he, thinking only of making game on me, had forgot. I knocked him down, telling him that it was he that was the savage to affront a lady. As he got up he said that he'd have the law of me, if any law was to be had in Ireland. " ' The law ! ' said I, ' and you a soldier ! ' " ' Do you mean to call me coward ? ' said he. ' This is what an English soldier must not bear.' With that he snatches at his arms that were beside him, asking me again, did I mean to call an English- man coward ? " ' Tell me first,' said I, ' did you mean to call us Irish savages ? ' " That's no answer to my question,' says he, ' or only an Irish answer.' " ' It is not the worse for that, may be/ says I, very coolly, despising the man now, and just took up a knife, that was on the table, to cut off a button that was hanging at my knee. As I was opening of the knife he asks me, was I going to stab at him 206 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. with my Irish knife, and directly fixes a bayonet at me ; on which I seizes a musket and bayonet one of his men had left, telling him I knew the use of it as well as he or any Englishman, and better ; for that I should never have gone, as he did, to charge it against an unarmed man. " ' You had your knife,' said he, drawing back. " ' If I had, it was not thinking of you," said I, throwing the knife away. ' See ! I'm armed like yourself now : fight me like a man and a soldier, if you dare/ says I. " ' Fight me, if you dare/ says he. " Rose calls to me to stop; but we were both out of ourselves at the minute. We thrust at each other — he missed me — I hit him. Rose ran in between us to get the musket from my hand : it was loaded, and went off in the struggle, and the ball lodged in her body. She fell ! and what happened next I cannot tell, for the sight left my eyes, and all sense forsook me. When I came to myself the house was full of people, going to and fro, some whispering, some crying ; and, till the words reached my ears, ' Is she quite dead ? ' I could not understand where I was, or what had happened. I wished to forget again, but could not. The whole truth came upon me, and yet I could not shed a tear ! but just pushed my way through the crowd into the inner room, and up to the side of the bed. There she lay stretched, almost a corpse — quite still ! Her sweet eyes closed, and no colour in her cheeks, that had been so rosy ! I took hold of one of her hands, that hung down, ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 207 and she then opens her eyes, and knew me directly, and smiles upon me, and says, ' It was no fault of yours : take notice, all of you, it was no fault of his if I die ; but thai I won't do for his sake, if I can help it ! ' — that was the word she spoke. I think- ing, from her speaking so strong, that she was not badly hurt, knelt down to whisper her, that if my breath did smell of spirits, it was the parting glass I had tasted before making the vow I had done against drink for her sake ; and that there was nothing I would not do for her, if it would please God to spare her to me. She just pressed my hand, to show me she was sensible. The priest came in, and they forced our hands asunder, and carried me away out of the room. Presently there was a great cry, and I knew all was over." Here the old man's voice failed, and he turned his face from us. When he had somewhat recovered himself, to change the course of his thoughts, we asked whether he were prosecuted for his assault on the English sergeant, and what became of him ? " Oh ! to do him justice, as one should do to every one," said the old man, " he behaved very handsome to me when I was brought to trial ; and told the whole truth, only blamed himself more than I would have done, and said it was all his fault for laughing at me and my nation more than a man could bear, situated as I was. They acquitted me through his means. We shook hands, and he hoped all would go right with me, he said; but nothing ever went right with me after. I took little note 208 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. ever after of worldly matters : all belonging to me went to rack and ruin. The hand of God was upon me : I could not help myself, nor settle mind or body to any thing. I heard them say sometimes I was a little touched in my head : however that might be I cannot say. But at the last I found it was as good for me to give all that was left to my friends, who were better able to manage, and more eager for it than I ; and fancying a roving life would agree with me best, I quitted the place, taking nothing with me, but resolved to walk the world, and jiist trust to the charity of good Christians, or die, as it should please God. How I have lived so long He only knows, and his will be done." CHAPTER X. IRISH WIT AND ELOQUENCE. " WILD wit, invention ever new," appear in high perfection amongst even the youngest inhabitants of an Irish cottage. The word wit, amongst the lower classes of Ireland, means not only quickness of re- partee, but cleverness in action ; it implies invention and address, with no slight mixture of cunning ; all which is expressed in their dialect by the single word 'cuteness (acuteness). Examples will give a ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 209 better notion of this than can be conveyed by any definition. An Irish boy (a 'cute lad) saw a train of his com- panions leading their cars, loaded with kishes* of turf, coming towards his father's cabin; his father had no turf, and the question was how some should be obtained. To beg he was ashamed ; to dig he was unwilling — but his head went to work directly. He took up a turf which had fallen from one of the cars the preceding day, and stuck it on the top of a pole near the cabin. When the cars were passing, he appeared throwing turf at the mark. " Boys ! " cried he, " which of ye will hit ? " Each leader of the car, as he passed, could not forbear to fling a turf at the mark; the turf fell at the foot of the pole, and when all the cars had passed, there was a heap left sufficient to reward the ingenuity of our little Spartan. The same 'cuteness which appears in youth conti- nues and improves in old age. When general V was quartered in a small town in Ireland, he and his lady were regularly besieged, whenever they got into their carriage, by an old beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, assailing them daily with fresh importunities and fresh tales of distress. At last the lady's charity, and the general's patience, were nearly exhausted, but their petitioner's wit was still in its pristine vigour. One morning, at * Baskets. F 1 210 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. the accustomed hour, when the lady was getting into her carriage, the old woman began — " Agh ! my lady; success to your ladyship, and success to your honour's honour, this morning, of all days in the year ; for sure didn't I dream last night that her ladyship gave me a pound of tea, and that your honour gave me a pound of tobacco ? " " But, my good woman," said the general, " do not you know that dreams always go by the rule of contrary ? " " Do they so, plase your honour ? " rejoined the old woman. " Then it must be your honour that will give me the tea, and her ladyship that will give me the tobacco ? " The general being of Sterne's opinion, that a bon-mot is always worth more than a pinch of snuff, gave the ingenious dreamer the value of her dream. Innumerable instances might be quoted of the Hibernian genius, not merely for repartee, but for what the Italians call pasquinade. We shall cite only one, which is already so well known in Ireland, that we cannot be found guilty of publishing a libel. Over the ostentatious front of a nobleman's house in Dublin, the owner had this motto cut in stone : — " Otium cum dignitate. — Leisure with dignity." In process of time his lordship changed his resi- dence; or, since we must descend to plebeian Ian- ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 211 guage, was committed to Newgate, and immediately there appeared over the front of his apartment his chosen motto, as large as the life, in white chalk, " Otium cum dignitate." Mixed with keen satire, the Irish often show a sort of cool good sense and dry humour, which gives not only effect, but value to their impromptus. Of this class is the observation made by the Irish hack- ney coachman, upon seeing a man of the ton driving four-in-hand down Bond-street. " That fellow," said our observer, " looks like a coachman, but drives like a gentleman." As an instance of humour mixed with sophistry, we beg the reader to recollect the popular story of the Irishman who was run over by a troop of horse, and miraculously escaped unhurt. "Down upon your knees and thank God, you reprobate," said one of the spectators. " Thank God ! for what ? Is it for letting a troop of horse run over me ? " In this speech there is the same sort of humour and sophistry that appears in the Irishman's cele- brated question : " What has posterity done for me, that I should do so much for posterity ? " The Irish nation, from the highest to the lowest, in daily conversation about the ordinary affairs of life, employ a superfluity of wit and metaphor which would be astonishing and unintelligible to a majority of the respectable body of English yeomen. Even p2 212 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. the cutters of turf and drawers of whiskey are orators ; even the cottiers and gossoons speak in trope and figure. Ask an Irish gossoon to go early in the morning, on an errand, and he answers, " I'll be off at the flight of night." If an Irish cottager would express to his landlord that he wishes for a long lease of his land, he says, " I would be proud to live on your honour's land as long as grass grows or water runs." One of our English poets has nearly the same idea : — " As long as streams in silver mazes run, Or spring with annual green renews the grove." Without the advantages of a classical education, the lower Irish sometimes make similes that bear a near resemblance to those of the admired poets of antiquity. A loyalist, during the late rebellion, was describing to us the number of the rebels who had gathered on one spot, and were dispersed by the king's army ; rallied, and were again put to flight. " They were," said he, " like swarms of flies on a summer's day, that you brush away with your hand, and still they will be returning." There is a simile of Homer's which, literally trans- lated, runs thus : " As the numerous troops of flies about a shepherd's cottage in the spring, when the milk moistens the pails, such numbers of Greeks stood in the field against the Trojans." Lord Kames observes, that it is false taste to condemn such com- ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 213 parisons for the lowness of the images introduced. In fact, great objects cannot be degraded by com- parison with small ones in these similes, because the only point of resemblance is number ; the mind in- stantly perceives this, and therefore requires no other species of similitude. When we attempt to judge of the genius of the lower classes of the people, we must take care that we are not under the influence of any prejudice of an aristocratic or literary nature. But this is no easy effort of liberty. " Agh ! Dublin, sweet J&sus be wid you ! " ex- claimed a poor Irishman, as he stood on the deck of a vessel, which was carrying him out of the bay of Dublin. The pathos of this poor fellow will not probably affect delicate sensibility, because he says rvid instead of with, and Jasus instead of Jesus. Adam Smith is certainly right in his theory, that the sufferings of those in exalted stations have gene- rally most power to command our sympathy. The very same sentiment of sorrow at leaving his country, which was expressed so awkwardly by the poor Irish- man, appears, to every reader of taste, exquisitely pathetic from the lips of Mary queen of Scots. " Farewell, France ! Farewell, beloved country ! which I shall never more behold ! "* In anger as well as in sorrow the Irishman is elo- quent. A gentleman who was lately riding through the county of , in Ireland, to canvass, called to " Vide Robertson's History of Scotland. 214 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. ask a vote from a poor man, who was planting willows in a little garden by the road side. " You have a vote, my good sir, I am told," said the candidate, in an insinuating tone. The poor man struck the willow which he had in his hand into the ground, and with a deliberate pace came towards the candidate to parley with him. " Please your honour," said he gravely, " I have a vote, and I have not a vote." " How can that be ? " " I will tell you, sir," said he, leaning, or rather lying down slowly upon the back of the ditch facing the road, so that the gentleman, who was on horse- back, could see only his head and arms. " Sir," said he, " out of this little garden, with my five acres of land and my own labour, I once had a freehold ; but I have been robbed of my freehold ; and who do you think has robbed me? why, that man ! " pointing to his landlord's steward, who stood beside the candidate. " With my own hands I sowed my own ground with oats, and a fine crop I expected — but I never reaped that crop: not a bushel, no, nor half a bushel, did I ever see ; for into my little place comes this man, with I don't know how many more, with their shovels and their barrows, and their horses and their cars, and to work they fell, and they ran a road straight through the best part of my land, turning all to heaps of rubbish, and a bad road it was, and a bad time of year to make it ! But where was / when he did this ? not where I am now," said the orator, raising himself up and stand- ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 215 ing firm; "not as you see me now, but lying on my back in my bed in a fever. When T got up I was not able to make my rent out of my land. Besides myself, I had my five children to support. I sold my clothes, and have never been able to buy any since but such as a recruit could sell, who was in haste to get into regimentals — such clothes as these," said he, looking down at his black rags. " Soon I had nothing to eat : but that's not all. I am a weaver, sir : for my rent they seized my two looms ; then I had nothing to do. But of all this I do not complain. There was an election some time ago in this county, and a man rode up to me in this garden as you do now, and asked me for my vote, but I refused him, for I was steady to my landlord. The gentleman observed I was a poor man, and asked if I wanted for nothing ? but all did not signify ; so he rode on gently, and at the corner of the road, within view of my garden, I saw him drop a purse, and I knew, by his looking at me, it was on purpose for me to pick it up. After a while he came back, thinking, to be sure, I had taken up the purse, and had changed my mind, but he found his purse where he left it. My landlord knew all this, and he promised to see justice done me, but he forgot. Then, as for the candidate's lady, before the election nothing was too fair-speaking for me ; but afterward, in my distress, when I applied to her to get me a loom, which she could have had from the Linen Board by only asking for it, her answer to me was, ' I don't know that I shall ever want a vote again in the county.' 216 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. " Now, sir," continued he, " when justice is done to me (and no sooner), I shall be glad to assist my landlord or his friend. I know who you are, sir, very well : you bear a good character : success to you ! but I have no vote to give to you or any man." "If I were to attempt to make you any amends for what you have suffered," replied the candidate, " I should do you an injury ; it would be said that I had bribed you ; but I will repeat your story where it will meet with attention. I cannot, however, tell it so well as you have told it." " No, sir," was his answer, " for you cannot feel it as I do." This is almost in terms the conclusion of Pope's epistle from Eloisa to Abelard : — " He best can paint them who shall feel them most." In objurgation and pathetic remonstrancing elo- quence, the females of the lower class in Ireland are not inferior to the men. A thin tall \voman wrapped in a long cloak, the hood of which was drawn over her head, and shaded her pale face, came to a gentle- man to complain of the cruelty of her landlord. " He is the most hard-hearted man alive, so he is, sir," said she ; " he has just seized all I have, which, God knows, is little enough ! and has driven my cow to pound, the only cow I have, and only dependance I have for a drop of milk to drink ; and the cow itself too standing there starving in the pound, for not a wisp of hay would he give to cow or Christian ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 217 to save their lives, if it was ever so ! And the rent for which he is driving me, please your honour, has not been due but one week : a hard master he is ; but these middle men are all so, one and all. Oh ! if it had been but my lot to be a tenant to a gentleman born, like your honour, who is the poor man's friend, and the orphan's, and the widow's — the friend of them that have none other. Long life to you ! and long may you live to reign over us ! Would you but speak three words to my landlord, to let my cow out of pound, and give me a fortnight's time, that I might see and fatten her to sell against the fair, I could pay him then all honestly, and not be racked entirely, and he would be ashamed to refuse your honour, and afraid to disoblige the like of you, or get your ill-will. May the blessing of Heaven be upon you, if you'll just send and speak to him three words for the poor woman and widow, that has none other to speak for her in the wide world." Moved by this lamentable story, the effect of which the woman's whole miserable appearance corroborated and heightened, the gentleman sent immediately for her hard-hearted landlord. The landlord appeared ; not a gentleman, not a rich man, as the term landlord might denote, but a stout, square, stubbed, thick- limbed, gray-eyed man, who seemed to have come smoking hot from hard labour. The gentleman re- peated the charge made against him by the poor widow, and mildly remonstrated on his cruelty : the. man heard all that was said with a calm but unmoved countenance. 218 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. " And now have you done ?" said he, turning to the woman, you had recommenced her lamentations, " Look at her standing there, sir. It's easy for her to put on her long cloak, and to tell her long story, and to make her poor mouth to your honour ; but if you are willing to hear, I'll tell you what she is, and what I am. She is one that has none but herself in this world to provide for ; she is one that is able to afford herself a glass of whiskey when she pleases, and she pleases it often ; she is one that never denies herself the bit of staggering bob* when in season; she is one that has a snug house well thatched to live in all the year round, and nothing to do or nothing that she does; and this is the way of her life, and this is what she is. And what am I ? I am the father of eight children, and I have a wife and myself to provide for. I am a man that is at hard labour of one kind or another from sunrise to sunset. The straw that thatched the house she lives in I brought two miles on my back ; the walls of the house she lives in I built with my own hands ; I did the same by five other houses, and they are all sound and dry, and good to live in, summer or winter. I set them for rent to put bread into my children's mouth, and after all I cannot get it ! And to sup- port my eight children, and my wife, and myself, what have I in this world," cried he, striding suddenly with colossal firmness upon his sturdy legs, and raising to heaven arms which looked like fore- " Slink calf. E8SAY ON IRISH BULLS. 219 shortenings of the limbs of Hercules; " what have / in this wide world but these four bones ? " * No provocation could have worked up a phlegmatic English countryman to this pitch of eloquence. He never suffers his anger to evaporate in idle figures of speech : it is always concentrated in a few words, which he repeats in reply to every argument, per- suasive, or invective, that can be employed to irritate or to assuage his wrath. We recollect having once been present at a scene between an English gentle- man and a churchwarden, whose feelings were griev- ously hurt by the disturbance that had been given to certain bones in levelling a wall which separated the churchyard from the pleasure ground of the lord of the manor. The bones belonged, as the church- warden believed or averred, to his great great grand- mother, though how they were identified it might be difficult to explain to an indifferent judge ; yet we are to suppose that the confirmation of the suspicion was strong and satisfactory to the party concerned. The pious great great grandson's feelings were all in arms, but indignation did not inspire him with a single poetic idea or expression. In his eloquence, indeed, there was the principal requisite, action : in reply to all that could be said, he repeatedly struck his long oak stick perpendicularly upon the floor, and reiterated these words — " It's death, sir ! death by the law ! It's sacrilege, * This was written down a few minutes after it had been spoken. ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. sir ! sacrilege by act of parliament ! It's death, sir ! death by the law ! and the law I'll have of him, for it's lawful to have the law." This was the whole range of his ideas, even when the passions had tumbled them all out of their dormi- tories. Innumerable fresh instances of Irish eloquence and wit crowd upon our recollection, but we forbear. The examples we have cited are taken from real life, and given without alteration or embellishment. CHAPTER XL THE BROGUE. HAVING proved by a perfect syllogism that the Irish must blunder, we might rest satisfied with our labours ; but there are minds of so perverse a sort, that they will not yield their understandings to the torturing power of syllogism. It may be waste of time to address ourselves to persons of such a cast ; we shall therefore change our ground, and adapt our arguments to the level of vulgar capacities. Much of the comic effect of Irish bulls, or of such speeches as are mistaken for bulls, has depended upon the tone, or brogue, as it is called, with M'hich they are uttered. The first Irish blun- ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 221 tiers that we hear are made or repeated in this pecu- liar tone, and afterward, from the power of association, whenever we hear the tone we expect the blunder. Now there is little danger that the Irish should be cured of their brogue ; and consequently there is no great reason to apprehend that we should cease to think or call them blunderers. Of the powerful effect of any peculiarity of pro- nunciation to prepossess the mind against the speaker, nay even to excite dislike amounting to antipathy, we have an instance attested by an eye-witness, or rather an ear-witness. " In the year 1755," says the Rev. James Adams, " I attended a public disputation in a foreign uni- versity, M'hen at least 400 Frenchmen literally hissed a grave and learned English doctor, not by way of insult, but irresistibly provoked by the quaintness of the repetition of sh. The thesis was, the concur- rence of God in actionibus viciosis: the whole hall re- sounded with the hissing cry of sh, and its continual occurrence in actio, actione, viciosa, &c. It is curious that Shiboleth should so long continue a criterion among nations ! What must have been the degree of irritation that could so far get the better of the politeness of 400 Frenchmen as to make them hiss in the days of I'ancien regime ! The dread of being the object of that species of antipathy or ridicule which is excited by unfashionable peculiarity of accent has induced many of the misguided natives of Ireland to affect what they imagine to be the English pronunciation. 222 JESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. They are seldom successful in this attempt, for they generally overdo the business. We are told by Theophrastus, that a barbarian, who had taken some pains to attain the true Attic dialect, was discovered to be a foreigner by his speaking the Attic dialect with a greater degree of precision and purity than was usual amongst the Athenians themselves. To avoid the imputation of committing barbarisms, people sometimes run into solecisms, which are yet more ridiculous. Affectation is alwrays more ridi- culous than ignorance. There are Irish ladies, who, ashamed of their country, betray themselves by mincing out their ab- juration, by calling tables teebles, and chairs cheers ! To such renegadoes we prefer the honest quixotism of a modern champion* for the Scottish accent, who, holding asserting that " the broad dialect rises above reproach, scorn, and laughter," enters the lists, as he says of himself, in Tartan dress and armour, and throws down the gauntlet to the most prejudiced antagonist. "How weak is prejudice!" pursues this patriotic enthusiast. " The sight of the High- land kelt, the flowing plaid, the buskined leg, pro- vokes my antagonist to laugh ! Is this dress ridi- culous in the eves of reason and common sense? * James Adams, S. R. E. S., author of a book entitled, " The Pronunciation of the English Language vindicated from imputed Anomaly and Caprice ; with an Appendix on the Dialects of Human Speech in all Countries, and an analytical Discussion and Vindication of the Dialect of Scotland." ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 223 No ; nor is the dialect of speech : both are charac- teristic and national distinctions. " The arguments of general vindication," continues he, "rise powerful before my sight, like the Highland bands in full array. A louder strain of apologetic speech swells my words. What if it should rise high as the unconquered summits of Scotia's hills, and call back, with voice sweet as Caledonian song, the days of ancient Scottish heroes ; or attempt the powerful speech of the Latian orator, or his of Greece ! The subject, methinks, would well accord with the attempt: Cupidum, Scotia optima, vires deficiunl. I leave this to the king of songs. Dunbar and Dunkeld, Douglas in Virgilian strains, and later poets, Ramsay, Fer- guson, and Burns, awake from your graves ; you have already immortalized the Scotch dialect in raptured melody ! Lend me your golden target and well- pointed spear, that I may victoriously pursue, to the extremity of South Britain, reproachful ignorance and scorn still lurking there : let impartial candour seize their usurped throne. Great, then, is the birth of this national dialect," &c. So far so good. We have some sympathy with the rhapsodist, whose enthusiasm kindles at the names of Allan Ramsay and of Burns; nay, we are willing to hear (with a grain of allowance) that " the manly eloquence of the Scotch bar affords a singular pleasure to the candid English hearer, and gives merit and dignity to the noble speakers, who retain so much of their own dialect and tempered propriety of English sounds, that they may be emphatically termed British 224 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. orators." But we confess that we lose our patient decorum, and are almost provoked to laughter, when our philological Quixote seriously sets about to prove that Adam and Eve spoke broad Scotch in Paradise. How angry has this grave patriot reason to be with his ingenious countryman Beattie,* the cele- brated champion of Truth, who acknowledges that he never could, when a boy or man, look at a certain translation of Ajax's speech into one of the vulgar Scotch dialects without laughing ! We shall now with boldness, similar to that of the Scotch champion, try the risible muscles of our English reader; we are not, indeed, inclined to go quite such lengths as he has gone : he insists, that the Scotch dialect ought to be adopted all over England ; we are only going candidly to confess, that we think the Irish, in general, speak better English than is commonly spoken by the natives of England. To limit this proposition so as to make it appear less absurd, we should observe, that we allude to the lower classes of the people in both countries. In some counties in Ireland, a few of the poorest labourers and cottagers do not understand English, they speak only Irish, as in Wales there are vast numbers who speak only Welsh; but amongst those who speak English we find fewer vulgarisms than amongst the same rank of persons in England. The English which they speak is chiefly such as has been traditional in their families from the time of the * Vide Illustrations on Sublimity, in his Essays. ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 225 early settlers in the island. During the reign of Elizabeth and the reign of Shakspeare, numbers of English migrated to Ireland ; and whoever attends to the phraseology of the lower Irish may, at this day, hear many of the phrases and expressions used by Shakspeare. Their vocabulary has been preserved nearly in its pristine purity since that time, because they have not had intercourse with those counties in England which have made for themselves a jargon unlike to any language under heaven. The Irish brogue is a great and shameful defect, but it does not render the English language absolutely unintel- ligible. There are but a few variations of the brogue, such as the long and the short, the Thady brogue and Paddy brogue, which differ much in tone, and but little in phraseology ; but in England, almost all of our fifty-two counties have peculiar vulgarisms, dialects, and brogues, unintelligible to their neigh- bours. Herodotus tells us that some of the nations of Greece, though they used the same language, spoke it so differently, that they could not under- stand each other's conversation. This is literally the case at present between the provincial inhabit- ants of remote parts of England. Indeed the lan- guage peculiar to the metropolis, or the cockney dialect, is proverbially ridiculous. The Londoners, who look down with contempt upon all that have not been bred and born within the sound of Bow, talk with unconscious absurdity of weal and winegar, and vine and vindors, and idears, and ask you oiv you do ? Q 1 226 ESSAY ON IRISH BUJLLS. and 'ave ye bin taking the Aair in 'yde park ? and 'a* your 'orse 'ad any Aoats, &c. ? aspirating always where they should not, and never aspirating where they should. The Zummerzetzheer dialect, full of broad oos and eternal zeds, supplies never-failing laughter when brought upon the stage. Even a cockney audience relishes the broad pronunciation of John Moody, in the Journey to London, or of Sim in Wild Oats. The cant of Suffolk, the vulgarisms of Shropshire, the uncouth phraseology of the three ridings of York- shire, amaze and bewilder foreigners, who perhaps imagine that they do not understand English, when they are in company with those who cannot speak it. The patois of Languedoc and Champagne, such as " Mein Jis sest at bai via," Mon fils c'est un beau veau, exercises, it is true, the ingenuity of travellers, and renders many scenes of Moliere and Marivaux difficult, if not unintelligible, to those who have never resided in the French provinces; but no French patois is more unintelligible than the follow- ing specimen of Tummas and Meary's Lancashire dialogue : — Thomas. " Whau, but I startit up to goa to th' tits, on slurr'd deawn to th' lower part o' th' hey- mough, on by th' maskins, lord ! whot dust think ? boh leet hump stridd'n up o' summot ot felt meety heury, on it startit weh meh on its back, deawn th' lower part o' th' mough it jumpt, crost th' leath, eaw't o' th' dur whimmey it took, on into th' wetur- ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 227 i ng poo, os if th' dule o' hell had driv'n it, on there it threw meh en, or 1 fell off, I connaw tell whether, for th' life o' meh, into the poo." Mary. " Whoo-wo, whoo-wo, whoo ! whot, ith neme o' God ! widneh sey ? " Thomas. " If it wur naw Owd Nick, he wur th' orderer on't, to be shure * * *. Weh mitch powlering I geet eawt o' th' poo, 'lieve * meh, as to list, I could na tell whether i'r in a sleawm or wak'n, till eh groapt ot meh een ; I crope under a wough and stode like o' gawmblingjt or o parfit neatril, till welly day," &c. Let us now listen to a conversation which we hope will not be quite so unintelligible. CHAPTER XII. BATH COACH CONVERSATION. IN one of the coaches which travel between Bath and London, an Irish, a Scotch, and an English gentleman happened to be passengers. They were well informed and well-bred, had seen the world, • The glossary to the Lancashire dialect informs us, that 'lieve me comes from beleemy, believe me ; from belamy, my good friend, old French. + Gawmbling (Anglo Saxon gawmless), stupid. Q2 228 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. had lived in good company, and were consequently superior to local and national prejudice. As their conversation was illustrative of our subject, we shall make no apology for relating it. We pass the usual preliminary compliments, and the observations upon the Mreather and the roads. The Irish gentleman first started a more interesting subject — the Union ; its probable advantages and disadvantages were fully discussed, and, at last, the Irishman said, " What- ever our political opinions may be, there is one wish in which we shall all agree, that the Union may make us better acquainted with one another." " It is surprising," said the Englishman, " how ignorant we English in general are of Ireland : to be sure we do not now, as in the times of Bacon and Spenser, believe that wild Irishmen have Avings; nor do we all of us give credit to Mr. Twiss's assertion, that if you look at an Irish lady, she answers, ' port, if you please' " Scotchman. — " That traveller seems to be almost as liberal as he who defined oats — food for horses in England, and for men in Scotland : such illiberal notions die away of themselves." Irishman. — " Or they are contradicted by more liberal travellers. I am sure my country has great obligations to the gallant English and Scotch mili- tary, not only for so readily assisting to defend and quiet us, but for spreading in England a juster notion of Ireland. Within these few months, I sup- pose, more real knowledge of the state and manners ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 229 of that kingdom has been diffused in England by their means, than had been obtained during a whole century." Scotchman. — " Indeed, I do not recollect having read any author of note who has given me a notion of Ireland since Spenser and Davies, except Arthur Young." Englishman. — " What little knowledge I have of Ireland has been drawn more from observation than from books. I remember when I first went over there, I did not expect to see twenty trees in the whole island : I imagined that I should have nothing to drink but whiskey, that I should have nothing to eat but potatoes, that I should sleep in mud-walled cabins; that I should, when awake, hear nothing but the Irish howl, the Irish brogue, Irish answers, and Irish bulls ; and that if I smiled at any of these things, a hundred pistols would fly from their holsters to give or demand satisfaction. But expe- rience taught me better things : I found that the stories I had heard were tales of other times. Their hospitality, indeed, continues to this day." Irishman. — -" It does, I believe ; but of later days, as we have been honoured with the visits of a greater number of foreigners, our hospitality has become less extravagant." Englishman. — " Not less agreeable : Irish hospi- tality, I speak from experience, does not now consist merely in pushing about the bottle ; the Irish are convivial, but their conviviality is seasoned with wit and humour ; they have plenty of good conversation 230 ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. as well as good cheer for their guests ; and they not only have wit themselves, but they love it in others ; they can take as well as give a joke. I never lived with a more good-humoured, generous, open-hearted people than the Irish." Irishman. — " I wish Englishmen, in general, were half as partial to poor Ireland as you are, sir." Englishman. — " Or rather you wish that they knew the country as well, and then they would do it as much justice." Irishman. — " You do it something more than justice, I fear. There are little peculiarities in my countrymen which will long be justly the subject of ridicule in England." Scotchman. — " Not among well-bred and well- informed people : those who have seen or read of great varieties of customs and manners are never apt to laugh at all that may differ from their own. As the sensible author of the Government of the Tongue says, ' Half-witted people are always the bitterest revilers.' " Irishman. — " You are very indulgent, gentlemen ; but, in spite of all your politeness, you must allow, or, at least, I must confess, that there are little de- fects in the Irish government of the tongue at which even rvhole-\vitted people must laugh." Scotchman. — " The well-educated people in all countries, I believe, escape the particular accent, and avoid the idiom, that are characteristic of the vulgar." ESSAY ON IRISH BULLS. 231 Irishman. — " But even when we escape Irish brogue, we cannot escape Irish bulls." Englishman. — " You need not say Irish bulls with such emphasis ; for bulls are not peculiar to Ireland. I have been informed by a person of un- questionable authority, that there is a town in Ger- many, Hirschau, in the Upper Palatinate, where the inhabitants are famous for making bulls." Irishman. — " I am truly glad to hear we have companions in disgrace. Numbers certainly lessen the effect of ridicule as well as of shame : but, after all, the Irish idiom is peculiarly unfortunate, for it leads perpetually to blunder." Scotchman. — " I have heard the same remarked of the Hebrew. I am told that the Hebrew and Irish idiom are much alike." Irishman (latighing) — " That is a great comfort to us, certainly, particularly to those amongst us who are fond of tracing our origin up to the remotest an- tiquity; but still there are many who would willingly give up the honour of this high alliance to avoid its inconveniences ; for my own part, if I could ensure myself and my countrymen from all future danger of making bulls and blunders, I would this instant give up all Hebrew roots; and even